Mrs Nice Just Left the Building (Field) #43
Nice people also have nasty thoughts and emotions and how to work through triggers that bring up a lot of shit!
Dear Lovely You,
one of the scariest things about becoming an empowered caretaker is owning your emotions.
Myth: nice people never get angry. If you could see inside a nice person you would see all the suppressed emotions like a congealed mass of rotting ropes strangling their insides or a simmering volcano. Just because you can’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there.
Myth: nice people never have bad thoughts. Did you know there’s a part of the brain (can’t remember which part of course because of my menopause brain playing tricks on me and I am feeling too lazy to go and look it up) - now what was I saying… Oh yeah… there’s a part of the brain that lights up when we have vengeful thoughts? And we all have them! Just as well you can’t see inside my brain.
If you’re like me in the past, you will avoid conflict at all costs and bend over backwards to ensure you don’t have to face it. Pleasing people and making everyone else be right or stay comfortable as you shove down and deny your own feelings.
This is not a letter about taking sides. But it is a letter about honouring your difficult emotions, overcoming your own gremlins and understanding why we have certain, over the top reactions, to things that we find hurtful.
It’s not fair - the story (my version)
He bawled across the field, "Karen can I have a word?" without stopping he continued, "can you keep to the footpath?"
And as an afterthought, "Please." Up until this point seven months ago, I had happily walked these fields up to the woods for twenty-five years.
When his father was alive we would stop and have a chat while he herded sheep, fixed fences or shifted bales. Always respectful and neighbourly. Several times a year I would find a ewe in distress, a sick lamb or one with its head stuck in the fence or that had died, an empty water trough not refilling. I would ring his wife and let them know. It felt good to be helpful and neighbourly.
When a tree took a fence down by the woods and their sheep escaped my husband let them know. And when the old farmer was ill, I comforted his wife. When he died we went to his funeral. ‘Neighbours,’ she said as she fell into my husband’s arms. It didn’t occur to me then that anything much would change.
And for the last four and a half years as his wife, their son and family took over the reigns, I have continued to walk through one of their fields most days oblivious to what was to come.
"The very same brain centers that interpret and feel physical pain also become activated during experiences of emotional rejection. In brain scans, they light up in response to social ostracism, just as they would when triggered by physically harmful stimuli. When people speak of feeling hurt or of having emotional pain, they are not being abstract or poetic, but scientifically quite precise."
~ Gabor Mate
Emotions out of proportion to the issue and fed by my stubborn thoughts
So it came as a big shock to find myself being treated in this way. I have never done any harm to them, their animals or their land. In fact, the opposite. I was so hurt I couldn't walk up there for months afterwards.
Walking has saved me and supported me since I was nine years old. It’s what i have continued to do through many difficult times. My daily sanity had been whipped away and I didn't want to see them. I was so upset and hurt and I couldn’t trust myself not to tell them all to FUCK OFF!
I’m not sure there’s a braver sentence than ‘My feelings are hurt.’ It’s simple, vulnerable and honest. Brene Brown
I took the car instead and drove around to the woods. Disappointed and angry, I felt I was in the right and they were in the wrong. I tried to work out why the change of attitude. At first I thought it might be my neighbours dogs I’ve been walking. But I have been walking them for four years, so I didn’t think so. They are obedient and I always keep them on a lead when I am forced to go through a field with farm animals.
I reasoned that maybe he was having a bad day. Tired from lambing or maybe had a row with his wife. We never know what’s going on in someone else’s life.
After a while, having to get in the car every day wore thin. I went back to walking from our house, mostly sticking to the footpath and always avoided fields with sheep and cattle in, unless they were already in those fields which were on the footpath.
But I felt tense. Was he going to say anything again?
Anger is a catalyst. Holding on to it will make us exhausted and sick. Internalising anger will take away our joy and spirit; externalising anger will make us less effective in our attempts to create change and forge connection. Brene Brown.
Round two of ‘it’s not fair’
New Year’s Eve though, it was pouring with rain and my husband and I made a snap decision to go across their fields (no sheep around) to get into the relatively more sheltered woods more quickly. In the back of my mind, I didn’t expect to see them as the weather was so horrible and the sheep were all in the lower fields well away from where we were walking.
Of course, that would be the day the farmers wife and son would be coming to check the animals. They saw us and drove straight up the hill beyond the sheep, their quad truck revving up behind us. They were polite but told us in no uncertain terms to keep to the footpath as they were bringing pregnant ewes up there.
Exasperated I told them how upset I was by their attitude. I explained that I was brought up in the countryside and I always respected the animals, the land and them. I have never done them any harm.
‘But it’s private land,’ she said as the son kept repeating over and over that they were bringing pregnant ewes up there (which was a lie as they were bringing them up on the opposite side as we came back down). I knew they had googled trespassing and were just going through the motions of the advice there about getting people ‘OFF MY LAND!’ I know because I looked it up when I got home and the son was just repeating the exact words.
In my head - HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU TOO!!! 🤬☹😖 Then 😭
What was actually going on here?
I went into shock both times. My fight/flight senses were turned on. I couldn’t fight (that’s illegal!) so I fled instead but the stress energy that had been released needed to process through.
When the fight/flight response has been triggered, the autonomic nervous system also kicks in the peaceful side of the nervous system, to calm everything back down again. But the stress response needs to be worked through first. You can find out about the importance of regulating your nervous system HERE.
In the past I would have shut down completely and gone into the freeze response, numbing out and contracting in order to protect myself but I now know that this is not a healthy long term strategy. Having worked at re-regulating my nervous system the last few years, I allowed myself to feel the shock, hurt, disappointment and anger rather than internalise it.
In other words, I honoured my emotions rather than deny them for the sake of appearing like a ‘nice’ person.
To help to process the stress energy, I walked more briskly, did push ups from the kitchen worksurface, talked to my family and wrote down how I was feeling (burning the paper afterwards). Writing things down is a proven strategy for dealing with stress.
I’ve had to work through the muddled emotions of hurt, anger and disappointment once more but this time have been able to do so much more quickly and clearly.
That’s how it works with this work. Each time becoming more aware and each time being able to unravel the meanings and take a faster route through them, towards acceptance and compassion for yourself.
There are no guarantees that others will treat you well just because you treat them well.
And like my friend says, I expect everyone to be like me. Kind, caring, respectful, honest and thoughtful. This is true but unrealistic.
But what's also true is, I use my naturally caring and kind nature as a defensive protection mechanism, to ensure people treat me kindly too. But it's never a guarantee that they will.
Sound familiar?
I have no control over how others treat me, even if I am the nicest person in the world. Damn!
It is a strategy that many of us caring folk use (unconsciously) to stay safe but it can prevent us from having honest boundaries about what is and isn’t acceptable for us too.
Knowing what’s in Your Control and What’s Not Can Help
What I wanted to have happen…
To reason with them so I could carry on as normal, walking up the fields into the woods. Keeping an eye on the animals. Letting them know if something was wrong. A wave. A smile. Passing the time of day. Small talk. Chit chat. Pleasantness.
Not in my control.
How I would have prefered them to handle the changes
If the farmer had driven up to me (four years ago would have been ideal) and spoken calmly and had said that now he is in charge, he wanted to change some things and ensure everyone stuck to the footpath. If he had acknowledged that he appreciated my support over the years and didn't wish me any harm, it would have made a difference.
Not in my control.
And, I admit, I still would have been upset and cross because it triggered a lot of old stuff of not being allowed to do what I want to do from my childhood. Of being told what to do by parents, teachers and employers! I was acting out the feelings and thoughts that I hadn’t been able to express as a child and an adult and appearing to make the whole thing bigger than it was or is.
I made the whole episode mean that, I mean less to them than they do to me. I obviously mistakenly thought that we could be friends.
I was making my sense of self worth dependent on what they think of me, when the only person I can depend on in that respect is myself!
I didn't want things to change. I didn't want to be told what I could or couldn't do after twenty-five years of being comfortable with long walks in nature straight from my door.
I didn't want to face the fact that their relationship to me had changed and they didn't value it as highly as I did. That hurt too much.
And my Inner Child was having a total meltdown as she had a mega, long overdue tantrum inside my body.
Working it through
Difficult emotions need to be worked through until you reach a point of acceptance. They need to be acknowledged and expressed safely in order to be released. But when you have old unresolved emotions, that get triggered by new difficult situations, it can take time to unravel.
Having the ability and capacity to see things as they are, rather than how you want them to be and allowing yourself to work through them, helps us to evolve and grow.
It’s also helping me to be more honest about who I really am and stop hiding behind this ‘nice’ facade.
And I want to see more caring people like you being honest about and expressing how you really feel when you have had to be the dependable one all the time. Being able to express your emotions truthfully and safely is literally a life saver.
Meet me in the comments and let me know what your biggest fear is about feeling these difficult emotions?
I understand that getting my knickers in a twist is not going to change anything. It’s clear that there is no negotiating with them. I understand that I have no control over them whatsoever.
I understand the very real emotions (old and new) that I have been feeling need to be felt, expressed and released. I can let my Inner Child rant and stamp and keep her safe and not feel ashamed for doing so.
I will respect their boundaries and stick to the footpath, not for them but for my own peace of mind. I accept that the relationship is different to the one I had with his father and the fantasy I had in my mind. That is, I admit, I was wrong about our relationship.
At times, I am almost grateful for their betrayal. But it doesn’t change the fact that there is now something between us (an uncomfortable tolerance at best) which currently spoils my daily walks. Unfortunately, I am not yet that enlightened that I can rise above it quickly. I am human and fallible and I have emotions like a tangle of pumpkins from my past that makes a vicious soup.
I will, have an intention to lower my expectations of other people and stop pretending everyone thinks and behaves like me because they just don't. This idea will take some time to bed in. To remember that I am not a child any more and I don’t need to go out of my way to please everyone else to keep myself safe. I am an adult and I am not dependent on them.
Stopping using your kindness as a protection mechanism is liberating. In fact, it helps you to have firmer boundaries too.
I won’t any longer wonder which direction to go in up to the woods. No decision to make any more because it’s been made for me. I won’t be feeling tension about being caught out but I will, I think be feeling tension whenever I see them for the forseeable future. But I’m sticking to the ‘rules.’
On the up side…
It’s going to force me to walk elsewhere more often and it is good for me to experience different environments and who knows what I might discover by being a bit more adventurous. A change of scene is good for you and helps to rewire the brain.
With Love
from my True Self to Yours
Karen xx
PS. Meet me in the comments and let me know what your biggest fear is about feeling these difficult emotions of hurt and anger?
This has been a healing read.
1. I used to get told I was “too nice” on occasion at work. It’s only now I get what they mean! Our relationship suffered in the end because deeper and more difficult conversations that led to mutual understanding could not be held.
2. I can see only for the first time how Deeply triggered get by a certain person in my life is down to me being too nice and that person exploding her emotions, judgements and opinions all over me (on occasions). I get triggered because I suppress all mine and do as I’m told and she doesn’t !!! Light bulb moment - thank you💡
My biggest fear about difficult emotions (happened when my dad was dying and I was busiest myself cleaning his room -a room that was deep cleaned daily and cleaning not being my forte !!) was that I would “fall apart”
If I stopped. It took for my youngest brother to insist I take a break and tell me that it “ok to fall apart” if that’s what happened. My dad died and 3 months later I became completely disabled by illness and could no longer get out of bed to drag myself to work and hide the illness I’d had since I was 18.