#9 Dear Steve
Love letters to my dead brother
Steve was my best friend and losing him is the the most painful experience I have ever gone through in my life. And I’ve been through a lot!
It has been my intention for some years to write a book as a series of letters to him of all the things I have wanted to talk to him about. All the things I want to ask. All the things I need to express to him. All the family experiences he’s missed. I think it will tell a story, a sort of memoir of our lives together, but also show people how to come through grief and live again.
Wednesday 13th September 2023
Dear Steve,
forgive myself! Forgive myself!?
Really?
I don’t know how.
I can’t make it up to him like I can for the others. Time ran out for that when he died. If I could have taken back every angry word, I would have right then when I saw his beautiful dead body. His long dark lashes stroking his cheeks.
If I could have. If I thought it would make a difference. If I could have him back.
So many mistakes. So many hurts.
I am full of remorse and regret and I can't forgive myself. I can't!
I always thought I knew best. Thought he would be okay.
I am an intelligent women. I should have known better.
I don't mean to keep punishing myself but I can't seem to help it. It keeps coming up no matter how much work I do on it. Not all the time but from time to time it’s still there.
Luke told me not to worry about it before he died. When he was coming back and eating with us occasionally. When I tried to apologise. I can't remember what 'it' was but I was apologising. Oh, maybe to do with school, bringing him here. Taking him away from his friends and family. He said it didn't matter. That he didn't go to school much anyway.
I looked through his school books that had been left in the attic. The evidence clear that over two years of being here he stopped trying. He clearly didn't care less.
I cannot forgive myself. I cannot!
I was so stressed had got myself into a situation that was too much for me and for us that I forgot who I was. His Mother! The one person he should have been able to rely on!
The others must know I love them. They're still here! But what about Luke? How can I ever make it up to him? What must he think of me?
I know what you're going to say. That there's nothing to forgive.
That we made a pact. A soul pact.
It makes no sense to me.
That the love I had and have for him is enough too.
That the love I have now I must give to myself.
I don't know how.
I don't know how to love myself unconditionally. I don't know how to love myself when I have inflicted so much pain and damage on another living being.
I have been afraid to ask about him. Afraid to try to connect with him.
You see, I knew you would always love me but then I don't remember ever being mean to you. Well apart from when I was about eight and you six and I let you get blamed for something I did and you didn't get your wagonwheel that mum had bought us for a treat. Umm… sorry about that Steve.
And Luke was so beautiful. I was so young. No excuse. I was mature. Not mature enough. Not as mature as I thought. Arrogant. Thinking I knew it all. Knew better. How can I forgive myself for my arrogance? How?
How am I supposed to face myself?
And what about Luke?
When I think of him I can only see his anxiety. How tense he was. Never feeling safe. Never feeling safe because of me.
But I could have protected him. I could have made better decisions.
I love you Steve but I am so angry with myself.
Lots of love, hugs and kisses,
Your Sister,
XX Karen XX
Well, lovely cousin, that one made me tear up a bit!
I understand not being able to forgive yourself for things and things you wish you could have done or said differently to someone you loved who’s not here anymore to say it to.
But I want to tell you something on Luke’s behalf, as a son, to a mother. His love for you will always be absolutely unconditional. He won’t have even seen or noticed some of the things you probably can’t forgive yourself for. Without knowing the facts, I expect most of the things you feel responsible for aren’t your responsibility. There’s no perfect parenting blueprint to follow. As a son, all I care about is that my parents cared and tried. I adore my mum for all she’s done for me and I will love her unconditionally for that. I’m sure there are things she may have wanted to do differently with hindsight - like all parents probably look back with the wisdom they never had the benefit of having when they were just learning how to be a parent - but I could not care less.
I am absolutely certain Luke would feel the same.
I realise these are just words and likely won’t stop you feeling the way you do. But do know that I truly mean what I say.
Take care
Byron