That’s quite a comprehensive list and I definitely experienced lots of those things after my dad’s death.
Some other things that came to me…
I wish I’d taken the opportunity to talk to a counsellor at the time to help process my feelings. When work offered it, back in 2008 at the age of 21, I looked at the person like they had two heads! - “therapy is for people who are mentally unwell” was my thinking - “I’m just sad because my dad has died”… I had none of the understanding of mental health back then - it even just 15 years ago it wasn’t anywhere near to being ‘normalised’ as it more or less is now.
I feel that could have really helped set me up better - instead of having the anger start hitting me 10 years later after another experience triggered it.
On the subject of anger, that was a big one for me - but not angry at my dad. Partly angry at the woman who caused the accident and caused his death. But not entirely at her - and that was the hardest thing I found, was having anger with nowhere to direct it - I wished sometimes that I was religious, so I could blame god and be angry at him. But no, just nowhere to direct it.
And, as it turns out after many months of counselling a decade later, it wasn’t just anger I was feeling. The anger was all that could get out because I’d been suppressing my other emotions - holding back the sadness. Trying to protect the people around me and ‘be strong’.
Switching off my state of depression like a light switch because ‘enough was enough’ and because it was impacting my wife and my job and my chances of being able to get a mortgage if I didn’t hold onto my job. External pressures that directed me to just ‘switching it off’. And as it turned out, that’s how I felt about my emotions for a decade - I barely cried over that period - and it felt like there was literally a switch in my brain that had been flicked that wouldn’t allow the emotion out, that I needed to feel.
So it became anger - anger at seemingly tiny things, that would boil over and cause me to punch a wall in rage. Or at it’s worst as I was processing this anger - punching myself in frustration - feeling my mind was broken, like I was broken.
And that took more time to heal. To learn to ‘be kind to myself’ - I’m still working on it.
So that’s a lot of my experience - there’s so much to it that it’s no surprise you can fill a book. It’s a lovely idea.
sorry for delay in replying. I have been making the most of the sunshine while it lasts. Feels like we've ony had about 3 weeks of warm summer sunshine this year! ;0) And I didn't want to rush my repsonse to this as I think you have raised some really important points.
You were very young to lose you're dad and I know it was hard. I felt for you all and wanted to help more even though I had nothing to give.
I have a section in the book about getting help. The only thing I would say is that in the initial aftermath of grief counselling/coaching and trying to fix things doesn't help apart from being able to talk to someone who understands grief and get an understanding ourselves of what's going on and what's 'normal' (or rather to be expected) and what's not. I read a few books on it. :0) Some helpful. Some not.
We do need to allow time for grief to move through us. Unless of course we already have mental or emotional issues that are exacerbated by it. But to start with there is nothing anyone can do except let us grieve. So I think your intuition was probably right on this but like most of us you didn't realise that you still needed to FEEL what you were feeling and allow time and space for that to move through you.
Then if we get stuck in the grief that is definitely the time to seek help.
We do know that things can get triggered later down the road. I saw some research somewhere that was looking at why some soldiers get PTSD and others don't when they have witnessed the same things. It turned out that those who do get it were being re-triggered from something earlier in their lives (usually as children) that they hadn't been able to resolve in some way.
It sounds like you had been suppressing a whole spectrum of emotions to protect others and likely to have been a pattern in your life long before the trauma. It's very common for 'nice' people to do that. I mentioned a book a while back about this whole topic. - When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress
AND yes I completely know what you mean about feeling so angry but not having anywhere to direct that anger! I went through this too with the drivers who caused the death of my son and brother and having to deal with the police and courts who were proscuting those drivers and feeling so let down at the end of it all.
This is why the Nervous System Regulation work is SO important. To get it OUT, EXPRESSED but safely. Here's a link to my Nervous SYstem Regulation teacher videos explaining about the importance of feeling and expressing anger. https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=irene+lyon+anger
And yes I have thought a lot about religion. I am spiriutal but now religious. But I threatened the universe with all the force I could muster at the time. I used to go for long walks in all weathers and scream and rant and cry. It helped a bit.
Switching off is also common. In Nervous SYtems terms it is a protection mechanism known as the 'freeze response.' When an animal is caught by a preditor it literally freezes. The nervous system shuts down and the animal then prepares to die. If it gets the opportunity to escape it switches back to fight or flight stress energy. Humans do this too to protect themselves from perceived threats and so not to feel. But if we get stuck in it long term it literally depresses the system. I was an absolute expert on this. It was a deeply ingrained pattern in me from age 2 and I totally shut down after Steve died. I couldn't cope with any more pain. I stayed like that for 7 years and have been learning to thaw through nervous system regulation work for the last 8 years.
So depression is shut down/ freeze and inablity to FEEL.
This is why I say - 'joy is the ability to feel all emotions without attachment to any of them.'
Emotions are energy in motion. The abilty to feel ALL our emotions without fear of any of them is totally liberating.
Interesting that for you it was 'external pressure!' So much pressure is put on us to perform and to perform in certain ways which is one of the reasons I set up this blog. Because I have had enough of it! I want us to be able to trust our own intution without having the external pressures turn us away from our own wellbeing!!! From our own sense of KNOWING what is right for us. To TRUST ourselves again.
I am very much still working on myself too! It's hugely challenging to change patterns of thoughts, beliefs and behaviour and it doesn't happen over night. But as we become more aware we can start to change things and be more compassionate with ourselves rather than putting on a brave face all the time for the sake of those around us.
Hi Karen,
That’s quite a comprehensive list and I definitely experienced lots of those things after my dad’s death.
Some other things that came to me…
I wish I’d taken the opportunity to talk to a counsellor at the time to help process my feelings. When work offered it, back in 2008 at the age of 21, I looked at the person like they had two heads! - “therapy is for people who are mentally unwell” was my thinking - “I’m just sad because my dad has died”… I had none of the understanding of mental health back then - it even just 15 years ago it wasn’t anywhere near to being ‘normalised’ as it more or less is now.
I feel that could have really helped set me up better - instead of having the anger start hitting me 10 years later after another experience triggered it.
On the subject of anger, that was a big one for me - but not angry at my dad. Partly angry at the woman who caused the accident and caused his death. But not entirely at her - and that was the hardest thing I found, was having anger with nowhere to direct it - I wished sometimes that I was religious, so I could blame god and be angry at him. But no, just nowhere to direct it.
And, as it turns out after many months of counselling a decade later, it wasn’t just anger I was feeling. The anger was all that could get out because I’d been suppressing my other emotions - holding back the sadness. Trying to protect the people around me and ‘be strong’.
Switching off my state of depression like a light switch because ‘enough was enough’ and because it was impacting my wife and my job and my chances of being able to get a mortgage if I didn’t hold onto my job. External pressures that directed me to just ‘switching it off’. And as it turned out, that’s how I felt about my emotions for a decade - I barely cried over that period - and it felt like there was literally a switch in my brain that had been flicked that wouldn’t allow the emotion out, that I needed to feel.
So it became anger - anger at seemingly tiny things, that would boil over and cause me to punch a wall in rage. Or at it’s worst as I was processing this anger - punching myself in frustration - feeling my mind was broken, like I was broken.
And that took more time to heal. To learn to ‘be kind to myself’ - I’m still working on it.
So that’s a lot of my experience - there’s so much to it that it’s no surprise you can fill a book. It’s a lovely idea.
Hi Byron,
sorry for delay in replying. I have been making the most of the sunshine while it lasts. Feels like we've ony had about 3 weeks of warm summer sunshine this year! ;0) And I didn't want to rush my repsonse to this as I think you have raised some really important points.
You were very young to lose you're dad and I know it was hard. I felt for you all and wanted to help more even though I had nothing to give.
I have a section in the book about getting help. The only thing I would say is that in the initial aftermath of grief counselling/coaching and trying to fix things doesn't help apart from being able to talk to someone who understands grief and get an understanding ourselves of what's going on and what's 'normal' (or rather to be expected) and what's not. I read a few books on it. :0) Some helpful. Some not.
We do need to allow time for grief to move through us. Unless of course we already have mental or emotional issues that are exacerbated by it. But to start with there is nothing anyone can do except let us grieve. So I think your intuition was probably right on this but like most of us you didn't realise that you still needed to FEEL what you were feeling and allow time and space for that to move through you.
Then if we get stuck in the grief that is definitely the time to seek help.
We do know that things can get triggered later down the road. I saw some research somewhere that was looking at why some soldiers get PTSD and others don't when they have witnessed the same things. It turned out that those who do get it were being re-triggered from something earlier in their lives (usually as children) that they hadn't been able to resolve in some way.
It sounds like you had been suppressing a whole spectrum of emotions to protect others and likely to have been a pattern in your life long before the trauma. It's very common for 'nice' people to do that. I mentioned a book a while back about this whole topic. - When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress
You can find it here: https://uk.bookshop.org/a/12625/9781785042225
AND yes I completely know what you mean about feeling so angry but not having anywhere to direct that anger! I went through this too with the drivers who caused the death of my son and brother and having to deal with the police and courts who were proscuting those drivers and feeling so let down at the end of it all.
This is why the Nervous System Regulation work is SO important. To get it OUT, EXPRESSED but safely. Here's a link to my Nervous SYstem Regulation teacher videos explaining about the importance of feeling and expressing anger. https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=irene+lyon+anger
And yes I have thought a lot about religion. I am spiriutal but now religious. But I threatened the universe with all the force I could muster at the time. I used to go for long walks in all weathers and scream and rant and cry. It helped a bit.
Switching off is also common. In Nervous SYtems terms it is a protection mechanism known as the 'freeze response.' When an animal is caught by a preditor it literally freezes. The nervous system shuts down and the animal then prepares to die. If it gets the opportunity to escape it switches back to fight or flight stress energy. Humans do this too to protect themselves from perceived threats and so not to feel. But if we get stuck in it long term it literally depresses the system. I was an absolute expert on this. It was a deeply ingrained pattern in me from age 2 and I totally shut down after Steve died. I couldn't cope with any more pain. I stayed like that for 7 years and have been learning to thaw through nervous system regulation work for the last 8 years.
So depression is shut down/ freeze and inablity to FEEL.
This is why I say - 'joy is the ability to feel all emotions without attachment to any of them.'
Emotions are energy in motion. The abilty to feel ALL our emotions without fear of any of them is totally liberating.
Interesting that for you it was 'external pressure!' So much pressure is put on us to perform and to perform in certain ways which is one of the reasons I set up this blog. Because I have had enough of it! I want us to be able to trust our own intution without having the external pressures turn us away from our own wellbeing!!! From our own sense of KNOWING what is right for us. To TRUST ourselves again.
I am very much still working on myself too! It's hugely challenging to change patterns of thoughts, beliefs and behaviour and it doesn't happen over night. But as we become more aware we can start to change things and be more compassionate with ourselves rather than putting on a brave face all the time for the sake of those around us.
Thank you for your response.
Much love to you Dear Cousin. xx