Exhausted Caretaker to Empowered Caretaker: are you ready to make the shift? #40
Exhausted Caretaker to Empowered Caretaker: are you ready to make the shift? #40
Rediscover the vibrant You your family also love
Love letters for deeply caring, over-giving, people pleasers who want to make the shift from Exhausted Caretakers to Empowered Caretakers.
Tips, hints and guidance and a safe Community of like-minded souls, where you come home to your True Self. Let go of the shoulds, have tos and musts that keep you stuck and start feeling more freedom, fun and flow.
"The moment you change your perception is the moment you rewrite the chemistry of your body." ~ Bruce H. Lipton
Dear Lovely You,
Getting your needs met in an unhealthy way
When I became forty, I felt like I had become the age I had always been. I was always mature, always with an old head on young shoulders, always sensible, reliable, dependable and caring.
Sound familiar?
At the time it really tickled me but it also brought up a lot of questions and a sense of horror that my life was just a constant round of putting everyone else first.
I was proud of being so caring but I was also bloody exhausted!
It’s a role that many of us play in order to feel safe in our families growing up.
As a child I was drawn to stories about characters creating communities, cautionary tales or stories with meanings. At some point my mother read Aesop's fables to us and I understood one in particular instantly. Don't Cry Wolf. Only ask for help when you’re really in trouble. I did, unwittingly, take this literally to the extreme, as I felt other’s needs were always more important than my own. I had no concept of what ‘really in trouble’ meant for me. I just kept going and completely forgot I had any needs of my own. At the time, I had no idea I was doing this, let alone why.
And, in fact, you could argue that I was getting my needs met by being that way. I was ensuring I was loved and cared for because I was a ‘good girl’. Sensible, thoughtful, reliable and caring. It seemed to me, those were the qualities that were expected above all others and that’s how I remained safe.
This was my safe role.
My safe identity.
By playing safe I ensured I was loved, liked and accepted.
One of the main reasons deeply caring people who over give stay stuck in unhealthy ways of being, (rescuing, constantly helping others, unable to say no to more and more demands on your time, energy and other resources) is your Perception.
Perception is how you look at the world and what you believe about it and your place in it.
Unhealthy Perception
As you stay stuck in over giving, You may be thinking…
I have to,
no-one else can or will do it,
they need me,
I need to be needed to be of value,
I can’t say no,
I can do it best,
I’m indispensible,
I might lose my security or status if I stop or
I’ll have to pay for changing things in some way if I stop,
which, on the surface, can seem like pretty compelling reasons to not change anything.
Now if all this were true, it would mean that EVERY SINGLE PERSON ON THE PLANET would have to put everyone else first in order to be loved, liked and not abandoned. But most people are not living like this and they are still loved, liked and cared about by enough people that they have healthy, happy relationships and communities.
You may not even realise you’re thinking like this because the thoughts are often unconscious and the behaviours so wired in, that it’s just how you are and you don’t feel like you have a choice.
The underlying message you are giving yourself is: if I don’t keep giving, I won’t be loved or liked and might get abandoned. And this plays into our human instinct to survive. You do whatever you perceive to be the right thing to survive in your family growing up.
This might sound extreme but it’s how it feels inside and what drives these behaviours of over giving.
If you have been with me a while, you’ll know I’m still working on this too. The problem is, by continuing to over give and people please, we end up neglecting and abandoning ourselves.
And yes there are people who have dependent children (I did for most of my adult life) or aging parents and ill partners or other relatives and sacrifices have to be made sometimes.
But children grow and need to be allowed to evolve and become responsible adults.
All adults need to take responsibilty for their own happiness, health and wellbeing.
That is not your responsibilty.
But You being happy, healthy and well is your responsibilty.
Most of us are just living with people who have got used to us doing it all for them and this is a disservice to them, sometimes taking away their own sense of agency, self worth and belief in themselves.
It is also a disservice to ourselves if we are denying our own needs at the expense of others.
If you want to raise happy, responsible children who can go out into the world and look after themselves, you have to be willing to let them go and make their own mistakes.
If you want healthy relationships with your partners and other adults, where each is equally important, then you have to be willing to have boundaries and be honest about what you want.
It can be complicated to unravel and change the dynamics but not impossible once you get clear and honest about your own limits, needs and desires.
Getting your needs met in an healthy way
These days I am very clear and I know, my family love me no matter what but it didn’t really occur to me until my son died and I was falling apart. I didn’t have to be strong, reliable or even caring. There were no expectations on me from myself or others to be anything but a grieving mother. I wrote about it HERE.
My family love me when I am enjoying my life and doing the things that light me up. When I am cheerful and fun to be around.
My family love me even when I don’t agree with their view of the world.
My family love me even when I tell them I am too tired to help them or see them.
My husband loves me even when I tell him I can’t support him today.
My husband loved me when I gave up my nursing career and later embarked on several failed attempts at being self employed.
My sons still love me even though I refuse to do their washing and insist they take it in turns to cook, bring logs in and when I tell them I can not be their taxi service.
I am still a caring person but I have more boundaries now and they accept that because they love me.
They’ve always loved me.
That was never going to change.
I wish I had known this sooner.
But I didn’t know that as a child. I kept playing out this role, trying to keep everyone happy, while ignoring the fact that I have limits in terms of time and energy (like everyone else) and neglected my own needs and desires. The need to hang on to this role kept repeating through to my forties when I started to take a deeper look at what was dragging me down all the time.
But the real underlying need was to know I was loved and accepted. Oh!
With every life transition there are losses and gains.
Some transitions we choose. Others are thrust upon us.
If you keep giving to others and neglecting your own needs, eventually something has to give and it may come, in the end, with exhaustion and ill health. The body knows.
Or, if you’re not already exhausted and you’re reading this, perhaps you’ve noticed a niggling feeling that something isn’t right and want to do something about it?
My New Perception & Making Space for Change
"We may not be responsible for the world that created our minds, but we can take responsibility for the mind with which we create our world." ~ Gabor Mate
I don’t feel I have anything to prove any more. I like who I am. I am still caring. I know what’s important to me and strive for a fair but assertive approach to doing the things I want.
I know myself really well and am aware of my weaknesses but not ashamed of them.
I flit from one thing to another like a butterfly seeking nectar. I often start projects enthusiastically and don’t finish things. So what!
I have stopped doing things for my kids and the walls didn’t come tumbling down.
I bristle when I am told something I don’t want to hear or don’t believe, instead of holding it all in and pretending it doesn’t matter, whilst continually putting the emotional needs of others first.
And I talk calmly and clearly about why I bristled to maintain the beautiful relationships I have.
There are times still when I get grumpy and feel resentful when I have to take care of others and I don’t really have the energy but those occasions are getting rarer because I am communicating my needs, limits and desires and how I’m feeling.
The shift
I have decided I matter, rather than everyone else matters first.
What I want matters.
What nourishes me matters.
What my needs and desires are matter.
My energy and health matter.
AND SO DOES YOURS!
Boundaries are Priorities
And you must make yourself the first priority before you run out of steam to help everyone else.
Here are some of my priorites at the moment (yes they change over time)…
I want to be free to explore more deeply who I am whilst having more creativity, play and fun in my life. I allow time for that.
I am also super aware of my strengths and all the experiences that have led me here.
I am extremely perceptive and can see a myriad of different points of view without judgement and that perspective frees me up to judge myself and others less and make healthier more sustainable choices.
I am a good communicator, fair and honest AND assertive when needed.
I am trustworthy and hmm… yes I am reliable still but that’s because I am clearer of my limits and know when to say no. Because I am not over-committing, it’s easier to be reliable for the things I can do.
I enjoy solitude and I take long walks on my own most days to recharge. This is non-negotiable.
I do yoga to pop music just because I can. You don’t have to do things in a particular way to get the best from them. Try shaking things up and making them work for you.
I have great relationships and am surrounded by family and friends who love me (and I believe it) without having to do everything for them. I don’t have to be all things to all people.
I know that music, dancing and singing lights me up, as does colour and art and creativity and I make time for these when I have the energy.
I see so much opportunity as I get older that I don’t want it to stop. I don’t want to stop. I’ve got to fit it all in now before it’s too late AND at my own pace.
I am letting go of being mum and starting to be Karen again.
A friend. A play mate. A creative. A writer.
A midlife warrior exploring her world in a new light.
No longer obligated to run my life around everyone else.
A fascilitator of deeply caring people who are ready to make the shift from Exhausted Caregivers to Empowered Caregivers.
And you can have this freedom too!
Are you ready to join me in this Community of people making the shift from Exhausted to Empowered Caretakers?
"Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are." ~ Brené Brown
Changing your perception of who you think you have to be, so you feel vibrant and alive and can give from a place of abundance instead of lack, could be the best decision you ever make.
With Love
From my True Self to Yours
Karen xx
PS. Remember to come join in in the comments and let us know Are you ready to join me in this Community of people making the shift to Empowered Caretakers?
