Worrying is not caring #63
Worrying is a state of Mind that keeps you imprisoned and doesn't help anyone. To free yourself of worry is to know that nothing's wrong and you never did anything wrong.
Dear Lovely You,
when I first found out about my loved ones being diagnosed with cancer I rapidly fell into old patterns.
I felt anxious and in a panic to get tests done, results heard, treatment options discussed.
My Mind whirled through all possible scenarios even before the official diagnosis.
And landed on the ‘worst case scenario’ which it played out in my mind over and over again.
I thought it was clever.
I thought it was a protection mechanism.
I thought it would keep me/us safe.
And I was, of course, trying to control the outcome.
My Mind reasoned, if I know the worst case scenario, I can work out how to handle it.
If I can handle a worst case scenario, I can handle anything less or in between.
In reality, this only served to fuel anxiety, creating a soup of stress hormones in my system causing inflammation and pain in my Body.
I began to feel exhausted again.
My breath shortened. My body contracted. My solar plexus filled with heat. The quality of my sleep reduced.
I pushed through. It’s all very well when life is ‘normal’ muddling along but this felt urgent and like it needed more grit. More determination.
More force.
A force I needed to ensure my loved ones got the tests, had the treatment options discussed and the treatment they needed.
It was my best attempt to Protect and Preserve them.
That’s what the Mind does, tries to Protects and Preserve. That’s what it thinks its job is and it does this based on past evidence of things going wrong.
I was back to worrying about everything.
All the things that needed doing. All the people that needed my attention. All the admin and extra admin from dealing with different medical departments.
And still keeping all the usual things running. Work, cooking, cleaning, shopping for food, the garden and keeping up with loved ones.
As well as joining forums rich with information to arm myself. Talking to nurses within charities for expert guidance.
Filling my mind and feeding my mind.
Giving it more evidence that I needed to stay in a state of stress, panic and fear.
Feeding anxiety and making me feel even more alone.
But worrying didn’t change anything except sometimes to speed up the pace at which we received information.
It didn’t change the tests, diagnosis, potential prognosis or treatment.
It didn’t change the fact that hospital departments are very poor at communicating with each other or that doctors specialising in different areas of the body seem incapable of seeing the Body (and Mind) as a whole.
And it didn’t make us feel any better.
In fact, worrying didn’t help at all.
It didn’t mean I cared any more than anyone else.
It didn’t mean I was going to change anything.
It didn’t mean I could control the outcome.
But it did mean I was starting to wreck myself again.
That my stress-soaked Body had to work even harder to rebalance.
That loved ones themselves began to worry about me.
And started asking me to take care of myself (while my Mind screamed, ‘how?!' and thought later).
And they asked me to let things go a little (while my Mind and Body held on tight and pushed through).
And my True Self observed and waited patiently in the sidelines.
I was being driven by old habits and Constraints that had been running my whole life.
Things I thought I had overcome and resolved.
I was aware of them in a way but didn’t understand
a) why these things were still running after all the work I have done on myself
b) why, with all my knowledge and skills, I couldn’t ‘just bloody stop it!!’
c) what I needed to do differently…
…until now.
“Past hurt informs future fear.” Peter Crone.
In the next few weeks I’ll talk about what I now know and how I am shifting my perception to free myself from these Constraints so I can move forward in a healthier, easier and freer way.
I’ll explain what drives unhealthy behaviour and habits.
I’ll tell you about conversations I’ve had with my Ego Identity (aka Mind). Sometimes funny. Sometimes moving.
And I‘ll show you how my True Self (aka My True Essence) is now getting a look in so I can begin to live with more grace and ease, more patience and less pressure, more trust and less fear.
Come and join me on my sofa while we listen and talk and please feel free to share with your caring friends and family.
With Love
from My True Self to Yours
xx Karen xx
www.thekarenrobinson.uk
PS. Share with your caring friends and family so more people can gather together and become Empowered Carers. 👇👇👇
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