#20 Turning around a shitty situation
Victim versus Versatility. Shadows and Gremlins
Dear Lovely You!
A few days last week were a bit shitty. I did something I don’t do very often these days. I made myself really stressed. There are parts of myself that are really unpleasant and that I can hardly admit to myself let alone you. Parts that are hard to accept, so I want to push them away.
I got all in my head ruminating about our situation and what should be done to make things easier. My husband currently has a prolapsed disc that is very painful and debilitating. It's been going on for over six months and he has been dealing with it like an absolute hero. Not once has he complained, even though he has trouble sleeping, sitting, lying, walking and hasn’t sat down to eat in all this time. He can’t drive or go out on his own or do the sporty things that allow him to thrive.
He has managed to continue to work albeit less than before. He's still doing what he can in the kitchen. He has had various treatments with varying degrees of success but it’s not healing. It was time for a new opinion.
We finally received an NHS appointment with a spinal specialist. I was relieved. In my mind I was hoping for some kind of resolution. I read on the internet (always dangerous!) that if a prolapsed disc hasn't healed after 4 months that is the optimum time for surgery. I thought that would be the next obvious step.
I was wrong! Instead, we were told he had three options. 1. Wait longer and see if it heals. 2. Steroid injections which wouldn’t heal it but might relieve the pain. Statistics on this? 40% chance it would not work or would make it worse. 3. Surgery. Then he was asked what he wanted to do. It brought up more questions than answers. How would we know what to do for the best?
It's not my decision. It's not my body. But the whole thing obviously impacts my life. I was disappointed. I began worrying about and looking for how we could make our lives easier and simpler both physically and financially. Looking for a way to get away from the perceived pressure of having to make a decision and to find a solution.
Over and over, I went in my head. Trying to work out what we should do. Stress hormones swimming through my body. Fear about the future. Of now having an older husband that I was potentially going to have to look after and not having yet become free of looking after children.
The future, my future, looked bleaker and bleaker by the minute. I felt like I wanted to run away. I felt angry and resentful. And I couldn't talk about it in this state because I knew from experience that steel barriers would go up from my husband and then I would feel shut down.
THE IMPORTANCE OF RECOGNISING WHAT’S IN OUR CONTROL (and what’s not)
I quickly started to realise I was feeling stressed because I was causing it. I had been listening to others too much and picking up on their thoughts, beliefs and fears and making them my own. But seeing a very unappealing future ahead I naturally wanted to do something about it. I am human after all.
I am very clear about what is in my control and what is not. Generally speaking, I can let go of what is not. But this innate part of my personality is a long-time partner that I push against, try to deny and then let fly.
It's obsessive, scared, critical, an over thinker, calculating, manipulative, mean, needy and leads to burn out and analysis paralysis.
What parts of yourself do you try to deny and push away?
REFRAMING SHITTY SITUATIONS
One of the skills I have in my tool kit is to Reframe things. Deep into day two and I was working on myself and as I washed the veg, I decided I would Reframe the whole thing.
Yes, my husband is quite debilitated at the moment. We don't know if he will get full function back but we expect him to get most of the way there. Chances are he will. Yes, we have less money and bills have gone up but we're still covering those at the moment. And yes, at some point I may find myself in the role of his carer but bloody hell he is a very patient patient! It could be worse and I have been through a LOT worse.
THE QUESTION I ASKED MYSELF THAT CHANGED MY PERSPECTIVE…
Questions can be a powerful way of shifting perspective.
So, what would it be like if, no matter what happens, we make the next phase of our lives the best yet?
Ahh --- what a relief. I felt better straight away, energy was released, and I took myself for a long walk into the woods.
When I got back, I was able to discuss my processing with him. I felt buoyant and managed to get a lot of work done over the weekend as the energy I had been putting into worrying was channeled into productivity.
Now I'm not saying it's perfect. I am not saying it's what I would Choose. But there are so many things out of our control and it's important to differentiate between what is and what isn't.
VICTIM VERSUS VERSATILITY
While I was hooked up to the Victim part of myself there was no reasoning with me. I would not have listened to anyone. It was more important to be right!
However, remembering to trust myself, remembering how resilient and strong I am, feeling my own life force flowing through me and using the Stress energy to fuel making a great life for us, I know we can have a brilliant future.
In the middle of the sodden woods where I was walking and recording all my reflections onto my voice recorder, the words from that Flashdance song started going through my head and I felt like dancing again.
‘What a feeling…’
THE TRUTH IS…
I am versatile. I am flexible. I am adaptable.
There are days I feel everything is possible and days in between I am filled with self-doubt. I knew what I was doing but I wasn’t at first ready to stop it. I was rehearsing what I was going to say to Ashley and how I was going to persuade him. I was pushing for solutions and pushing to control things that are out of my control, in order to feel better.
I was feeling under pressure to make decisions about things in terms of our life and lifestyle. I wanted answers now, to be free of the pressure of thinking about it. But with no quick fix to get us back to ‘normal,' I wallowed.
Do you remember the Hippopotamus song?
REMEMBERING THIS I SMILED…
‘So follow me, follow
Down to the hollow
And there let us wallow in glorious mud…’
Wallowing and being a victim can be a way of life. I know people who are 'happy wallowers,' who revel in it but it doesn't work for me.
I may have been able to pull myself out of the stress I was causing more quickly but I needed some time to acknowledge what was going on. There was some Grief there for the life we had and comparing that to the life we now have and are maybe facing.
None of us know what the future holds.
We have since had a further consultation with another spinal specialist who was a lot clearer and has recommended surgery. We feel confident in him and what he said. A totally different experience. There’s a very good chance of a full recovery and a back up plan.
We don't know if Ashley will fully recover his previous fitness levels. Perhaps he won't manage half marathons, 10k races and competing in duathlons in the European and World Championships. Perhaps he won’t go back to working full time. But we’re hopeful he will continue to lead a full and active life as he grows into his Autumn years.
What do you fear most about getting older?
HAVING SPACE TO REFLECT INCREASES AWARENESS AND CLARITY
Walking and writing are where I process the ups and downs of what’s going on in my life.
They are the spaces where ideas, realisations, solutions and resolutions spontaneously occur. They are the spaces where I ask myself meaningful questions.
On this occasion, the stress I was feeling was largely of my own making.
I was in my head, ruminating on what needed to change and I needed the space to do that. But the solutions won't come from my head.
REFRAMING SITUATIONS
I Reframed the downward spiral into decrepitude, into how can we make these the best years yet.
I am now Choosing what I do with this stress energy. The stress is Energy. I am choosing not to funnel that energy into all the shitty thoughts that were making me feel worse. In fact, I am channeling that energy back inside myself to my creative core.
The thoughts won't go away completely yet but I have stopped feeding them.
Equally if I flip my observations to people who have overcome adversity; and the fact that I have overcome my own adversity, the whole picture changes. I/we will come through it. I will survive it and more than that I hope will actually thrive as a result because it gives me compost for my writing life. It's feeding my writing practice.
Writing about what I Know is reminding me what I Know and helping me Embody that Knowing. It's showing me over and over how to live my life, how to let go of the weeds and focus on cultivating sunflowers.
WHAT I DID.
Noticed I was creating the thoughts that were creating the anxiety. AKA, taking responsibility.
Acknowledged the fear I was feeling.
Took note of what's in my control and what's not.
Let go of what’s not in my control.
Asked myself a meaningful question.
Chose to change how I was thinking about the situation.
Reframed the situation.
Felt much better. :o)
ACCEPTING THE DARK SIDE OF MY NATURE
The wallower is a part of myself I am uncomfortable with admitting. Some people refer to these personality traits as Shadows.
I am Remembering and Re-remembering to accept, love and embrace the Dark Side of myself as much as my calm, caring, organised qualities.
Pushing My Shadow Self away breaks off parts of my humanity. Breaking off parts of my True Nature is not an act of compassion.
Behind this behaviour of wallowing and ruminating was fear. Fast and furious fear. If I can Allow myself the Grace to Embrace the dark side of myself, without being patronising and with a Deep Sense of Compassion she will recover much more quickly.
How I was feeling was true for me. That wallowing and terror of what's going to happen, of what the future holds, of spending my whole life looking after others felt real. That fear was true and will come back again until I reach a point of surrender. Of Acceptance. Of feeling Safe even when I feel Unsafe.
THESE FRIGHTENED PARTS ARE UNRESOLVED ASPECTS FROM CHILDHOOD
Rather than feeding that compost I am allowing it to break down and process and love that frightened part as much as I love the other parts of myself. Unconditionally. And I know we can change our perception together. The frightened Parts, Aspects, Shadows, Gremlins and little Echos of myself are still parts that need love, acknowledgement and expression.
From that compost and the seeds I have planted from my own awareness, knowledge, life experience and deep knowing, I can then allow something else to grow.
With Love
From my True Self to Yours
Karen xx
👉 If you enjoyed reading this letter, feel free to share it with friends, comment or click the ❤️ button on this post so more people can discover it on Substack 🙏. Thank you.Thanks for reading Honouring Your True Self ! Subscribe for free to receive new posts and support my work.
P.S. I want to get to know YOU and for us to build this COMMUNITY together.
Sharing our thoughts, ideas and struggles on what it means to be our True Selves; what stops us and what needs to happen for us to Nurture and Nourish our Flourishing. To Thrive rather than just Survive.
HERE’S THE NEXT INSTALLMENT…
#2 Dear Steve
Love letters to my dead brother
From somewhere in the ether
Any time in space
Dear ))) Sis (((,