Stop Pretending You're OK When You're Not #36
Stop pushing through when you really need to stop and feel or rest.
Thank you for subscribing to Honouring Your True Self with me Karen Robinson and allowing me into a corner of your life.
These Love letters are for over-caring, over-giving, people pleasers who are worn out and need to put some zest back into their lives.
Weekly tips, hints and guidance so you can become more of your True Self and let go of the shoulds, have tos and musts that keep you stuck and start taking some actions towards more freedom, fun and flow.
Dear Lovely You,
every year, at this time, I try to resist what I am feeling. My son died in a road crash sixteen years ago and I don't really fix the date in my head but it's like my body always remembers. I try to keep going but there needs to be a pause. I am still figuring out the best way to navigate it.
This morning I dragged myself up the hill to the woods behind our house. I didn't try to make myself happy or lift myself up, I just noticed how I was feeling.
Sad.
I haven’t liked to admit to sadness because to me it meant failure. I mean, it meant I had failed.
I have never had the same thoughts or feelings about others. Others are allowed their sadness, encouraged to feel all their emotions and let them work through. And that’s a strength, having the ability to feel your feelings. It was just me who was weak and useless.
I made it mean, I haven’t worked hard enough or applied my skills well enough for me (after 16 years) to not feel sad about it any more. I know it’s ridiculous because I KNOW for a fact that grief never goes away, it just mellows over time.
But this is how it feels in my body. Like defeat. I am defeated. I am not good enough (again). And if I admit it, people will think I am a failure or haven’t tried hard enough.
Does this sound familiar to you in the way you speak to yourself?
I know this isn’t true (at least of the people who matter) but I don’t quite yet have a visceral feeling of having embodied that truth. However, I am hopeful that it will happen.
Quietly allowing myself to feel and express
I wasn’t even thinking about Luke. I eventually stopped to sit a while on a wet bench. It was raining lightly. And there I cried for a bit. It was not dramatic. I don't need a witness but I do need to honour how I am feeling instead of trying to fix it.
My intention is to stop adjusting my public mask of optimism, so everyone else feels comfortable, and continue my journey into deeper authenticity.
Feeling under pressure to perform
It wasn’t great timing because last week I made a commitment to meet my paid members in the Chat room for some group coaching. It was my first foray into anything Chat roomy and I wanted to really give value. But I felt I had stumbled at the first block. For a day I felt ashamed that I couldn’t even show up for that. But my gut was also triggered and so the inflammation in my body was affecting my abilty to think clearly too. I needed to rest.
Inner Goals
By the second day things were calming down and I started to listen to an interview with one of my favourite self-help authors, Dr Gabor Mate. It was very comforting to hear his reminders that being too nice, too kind, over-caring and concerned for the wellbeing of others at our own expense, makes us sick.
Towards the end of the interview they were talking about goals and the interviewer spelled out what his were but said he felt a disconnect. Gabor pointed out that it was because all his goals were external ones. Success in his business. Success as a father. Success in his relationship. Gabor asked, ‘what about inner peace?’
Silence.
I felt that silence hit my heart.
Working with the parts of us that have broken off to stay safe
It’s funny because I had been journalling when I got up and had decided to ask that part of myself that is still hanging on and not feeling safe to let go yet (so my body can relax and be healthy) how I can help it. I was going to continiue by asking it something profound. Something meaningful. Something that might get a shift. My habit always impatient and wanting to push for progress.
The way I was taught to work with these parts that have broken off and dissociated, was to invite them out. Imagine what they look like. Name them. I would come up with names like; The Blob, Prudence, Leaden, etc, really descibing the quality of the part. And this has been very effective for me and my clients. But this time I felt drawn to ask her what her name was. And she said her name is Karen!
So simple and yet so obvious. Of course she’s Karen. She’s always been Karen, at least in this lifetime. I remembered to keep it simple. Not to push. Not to set up my own agenda and to deeply listen.
Karen then thanked me for being here, for listening. Then she told me she needed some lightness in her life. That life had become too serious. She told me to go for that walk I was, at this point, only considering going on. She told me not to overthink it, just go. Be playful. Relax. Let the dogs lead you. (I often walk my neighbours dogs).
I asked her if there was anything else, still wanting something significant but no, just start there, is all I got back. Then follow the flow.
Stop Pretending
When I got back I continued my journalling to her. I told her how I just noticed how I was feeling and sat on the bench and had a little cry.
I reflected on how I always try to put on a brave face or cheer myself up and how annoying I find it when other people do that to me. It’s another habit, trying to be what they want me to be but today I didn’t.
Today I let my face be sad rather than a mask of inauthenticity.
I reflected on how my husband keeps smiling at me, occcasionally brushing his hand across my back. I perceive this as him wanting reassurance but I have no reassurance to give today.
It’s time to stop pretending
It’s time to stop performing. It’s time to be and allow myself to fully feel what I am feeling.
Gabor Mate teaches from his and the research of others, that we learn to be inauthentic as children because attachment to our care givers always trumps being authentic. Ideally we would have both. We would have the freedom within our childhood families to express our emotions without judgement. We would be unconditionally accepted. But most of us didn’t get that and neither did our own parents and grandparents.
We wiggle and squirm to try to work out what the adults need in order to survive our childhoods. That’s not to say we weren’t loved but we have needed to be particular types of people to be accepted within our families systems and that becomes an unconscious habit we continue into our adult lives.
For me, that has meant always putting on a brave face and continuiing to be amenable and helpful and caring, no matter what I am going through myself.
Resolutions
Coming out of the fog I have been in the last few days and having these simple yet profound realisations I then have to decide whether to share or not. Whether to be authentic here. Hey, I was really struggling and feeling shitty and not at all like I could help anyone. Or hide it and write something more high vibe and uplifting, so you think I’ve got it all worked out. Performing a part that I am so familiar with.
But that wouldn’t help you because I am human and not perfect and neither are you and we actually don’t want to be perfect. Not really because there is no such thing as perfection and it’s too exhausting pretending we are.
Bringing these ideas of Inner Goals and Being Authentic together I wondered what inner peace would look like for me and it’s this...
It’s showing up in my own life and accepting how I feel and my own struggles without judgement.
It’s allowing myself to fully feel what I am feeling.
It’s giving myself time and space to process what I am going through.
Most of all, it’s knowing I have my own back.
I can then decide what and with whom I share.
I had started my day wanting to get on with writing for you here and beating myself up for not having been able to do it the last few days. Feeling behind with everything.
I am ending my day writing the most easy letter I have written to you so far. I feel more relaxed and rested. I’m not bubbly but I’m no longer so sad either.
I’m not reaching for the stars, I’m reaching for satisfaction and inner peace and that is enough.
Coaching Prompt
Imagine what it would be like to feel exactly how you want to feel and make a short list of you Inner Goals and Intentions for the next year.
Meet me in the comments and let me know how you got on and ask for help if you get stuck.
With love
From My True Self to Yours
Karen xx
PS. Meet me in the comments and let me know how you got on with feeling into what your Inner Goals and Intentions are.
PPS. If you have enjoyed and found value in this letter please feel free to share with family and friends. Commenting and clicking the ‘like’ button helps more people to see it.
Be gentle with yourself and know that this is a safe container for us to share and support each other to find ways to be Empowered AND Caring.
To give from Abundance not an empty cup.
Karen, first a hug to you. Grief stays with us and we continue to work through, time after time. It's so important to honor our feelings and make space for that. All our sad, our grief, our fear, our lonely, and work through them. I practice this regularly.
My inner goals and intentions for next year are to find more space for my inner joys as well as my pains. :)
As well as inner peace, I am feeling I want a sense of space and expansion too.