One woman's breakthrough to her True Self #51
"This belief was so empowering that it acted as an unwavering and unshakable foundation and sees me as well as I am today."
Dear Lovely You,
it is a fact that we need to see to believe that what we want is possible for us by finding role models and examples of expanders who have gone before us. People who have had the same struggles but come out triumphant the other side.
I am excited to introduce Amber Horrox who I met a few months ago on a poetry workshop. I immediately loved her energy and how we connected.
I felt, this is a women in her power. This is a woman who has had the courage to completely change her life and go against societal norms to heal herself of chronic illness and live authentically.
Amber writes: Warrior Within where she empowers people with chronic illnesses to heal themselves.
I asked Amber about what it means to be her True Self, what obstacles she faces and what she does when she gets stuck to get herself out of a rut.
Amber’s generous response.
One of the biggest realisations I’ve had this year so far is that I have never been as true to myself as I am now. I have also never been as well as I am now and I wonder at the correlation between the two?
In a deep healing treatment the other year I came across one of my deepest fears; the fear of being me. I fear the repercussion. Will I be beaten up? Will I be burned at the stake? Will I be shunned by my community?
Caring and empowered in relationship
It is in my nature to be caring and in many ways I have always been caring. However, I have also been hurt and carry a lot of trauma. So in many ways my fear of getting hurt has not always meant I have been as caring as I would like. I have been on a deep healing journey for 6 years now and so I have healed a lot in the way of past trauma and my fears around getting hurt. My boyfriend often compliments how caring I am but there is a big difference to how I show up in this relationship versus ones of the past.
Sacrifices made from being a people pleaser
Yes, I would describe myself as a recovering people pleaser. I learnt from a very young age to be a good girl. My Dad nicknamed me Good Girl. I was very good in school and got good grades. I gave so much of myself to my job that in retrospect, I sacrificed myself like a lamb to slaughter. In sacrificing all my needs in order to please, I lived a life of fatigue for many years, eventually leading to burnout, mental health breakdown and chronic illness.
A few years ago I added the Brene Brown quote to my vision board “authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we are supposed to be and embracing who we really are”.
Total breakdown before being able to put myself first
It took for complete disability by illness for me to prioritise my needs and put myself first. Up until that point, I didn’t even know what my needs were or that I had any that weren’t being met.
Now I live my life as my true self, I feel a sense of freedom I have never known. I see life through an entirely different lens than the one I did before. I hear a different voice in my head. One that tells me “I can” and not that “I can’t”. A voice that encourages me and knows that its not about what “I should” be doing, its about asking myself the question “what do I want?”.
Back in my corporate days at work, I was told I wasn’t good enough. That I had to do what I was told. What I was being told to do went against everything that I knew to be true. Being told I wasn’t good enough was a reflection of my own inner belief system.
Being my true self in a romantic relationship
I feel the most like my true self in my life now. I am 18 months into a romantic relationship. One of my priorities in the first year was a) adjusting to life in a relationship after 2.5 years being single and being completely transformed as a person due to all I’d been through combined with b) not losing myself in anyway this time round. Trickier than you might think.
Making this a priority has paid off big time. There have been times when it felt easy to get swept away, however, I continue to do what I want, love what I do and live everyday like I’m on holiday. And now I have the most amazing partner by my side who compliments me and supports me all the way.
Trusting my intuition
I make decisions about what’s right for me based on signs, synchronicities, messages, dreams, feelings and ‘knowings’ combined. I call this alignment and when all these factors are in alignment with what it is I truly want, need and desire. There is no right or wrong, it just is.
How I get unstuck & useful practices for balance
When I’m not feeling like myself, I know that I am out of balance in some way. What lifts me out of it is bringing back the balance. I do this through meditation, walks in nature, breathing deeply, drinking freshly made ginger tea, journalling and movement in the form of yoga.
A couple of years ago I turned this into a day retreat I call “Bring Back the Balance” and I now hold space for and guide others to come back to themselves in the same way I practice this too.
Connecting with my inner child and healing practices
Self-love is a practice I’ve undertaken in the last 5 years. I started with buying a body moisturiser called Body Love which costs more than I would have ever previously spent on myself. In doing so I realised that I never moisturised my tummy region and made this part of my self-love practice. It’s evolved from here slowly over time. I have a go to “self-love and acceptance” You Tube meditation I do which helped connect to my inner child.
I was shocked to discover that she didn’t even have a tiny scrap of self-worth. She felt completely worthless. With practice and patience, I went on to fully integrate my inner child. She now feels loved, cared for and wanted in a way she never has before.
Unusual self-care practice
An unusual self-care practice has been to connect to the belief that, “I matter. My health matters”.
This appeared to act as a catalyst to the life-changing transformation I embarked upon in 2018 when I learnt to drown out the noise of everyone around me, tune into my own inner knowing, unleash this warrior within that I never before knew existed and took back the reigns of creation for my own life, health and healing. This belief was so empowering that it acted as an unwavering and unshakable foundation and sees me as well as I am today. It appears to be the complete opposite of the way we treat ourselves and the value we place on health, collectively speaking and within the society as we experience it today. I hope to be the catalyst for this change in so much as this has been a catalyst for me.
Boundaries I have put in place
Ooofff, boundaries. I had to bring in boundaries as part of aligning my menstrual cycle with the seasons. Boundaries came into play in my most challenged time healthwise (once I broke the chronic pain and chronic fatigue cycle and recovered from the first of the 3 health relapses that I’ve experienced in the past 6 years). Specifically, saying no. Closing down my work diary. And rest, rest and more rest.
I reached a point in 2022 where it was easier to be bedbound in severe/agonising pain than it was to say no and do what it took just to avoid severe/agonising pain (the pain remaining to a very high level and very slowly and steadily reducing in duration). I upset a friend who was not used to me saying no. I had never said no to anything in my life. Now I have to say no as many times as 4 or 5 each week especially when I am in the window where I am most challenged each month.
Self belief
You know what you are doing, keep doing it. I am here with you. You are not alone. We are together. Together we are in this. I am your best friend. I am here to cheer lead you on. Listen to those whispers. They are guiding you. Showing you the way. Don’t let anybody else tell you what is true for them is true for you. This is true for them, this may not true for you.
It took me until I was 42 to realise that I was accountable for taking care of myself. That I could effectively take care of myself. That I could trust myself. This came about when unexpectedly finding myself alone on holiday in Tenerife.
As part of my inner child work, I decided to let my inner child run riot that week. I decided to let her run the show. I gave her the go ahead to do what she wanted, eat what she wanted, spend what she wanted.
I ate ice cream a couple of times, tried the desserts in the all inclusive (didn’t like them), drank a couple of cocktails, booked a spa day and a massage, bought a gorgeous summer dress (something I hadn’t allowed myself to do for a long time) and went parasailing (I had no idea I had to jump off a mountain to do that! I just knew that I was going to regret it if I went home without doing it).
The outcome? I discovered that my inner child knew how to look after herself all along. She was safe. She could be trusted. She knew what she was doing.
My thanks to Amber Horrox from Warrior Within for this heartfelt collaboration. Click on this link to find out more.
With Love
from our True Self to Yours
Amber & Karen xx
PS. If you would like to collaborate with me and share your journey of recovering your True Self ( a journey that can take a lifetime so maybe incomplete) you can contact me by DM if you have the substack app or reply to this email if you are a subscriber. I would love to hear your story.
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Amazing! What a powerful read.
This is gorgeous. Thank you @Karen Robinson and @Amber Horrox 💕💕