Is what you want, what you need? #60

The most important question you’re probably not asking yourself.

Dear Lovely You,

there’s a weak shadow of the window frame cast across the sunflower coloured wall of our living room as the sun slides behind the mountains. It’s late afternoon but the sky is still quite light and peppered with a few sparkles where the sun bleaches wisps of cloud.

The first snow of the season landed early and unexpectedly two days ago. It had been a very mild autumn until then. Now the sharp air catches my cheeks when I go out to fill the bird feeders but I am well rewarded when I return indoors to the snuggly warmth of a radiator and watch the sparrows queue up for their feasts.

When it snows around here, things come to a standstill. My initial dismay at seeing the overnight snowfall was quickly replaced by a slowing down and acceptance of what is.

It’s weather.

It’s out of my control.

It means some of the things that were meant to happen today won’t happen today.

Phew… I love it when things get cancelled!

I have time.

I have space.

Just to be.

I have spent the afternoon doing…

nothing at all.

It’s been such a long time since I did this. Months of stress, fear and sadness as loved ones faced serious health issues had led me to keeping myself busy, using up all that adrenaline productively.

But it had to come to an end.

It wasn’t sustainable, especially with the winter months drawing in.

I’ve had to stop.

I have surrendered to the unknown, the incontrollable, to the possibilty of human mortality and found a sense of acceptance at last.

What will be will be.

Driven by my need to protect and shelter my loved ones was not all useless. It fired me on to push the health professionals to do their jobs. Getting appointments made and results sent, so the information needed was there to make important decisions.

Still, I wish I hadn’t had to be that person. The one they don’t like. The one they think is a nuisance. The one that gets talked about in disinfected offices and canteen hubs. I care less about that than I do about my loved ones getting proper care but I do care. I wish I didn’t.

Loved ones are now getting the treatment they need and there is more than a good chance they will all fully recover. The treatment is long and not always without its complications but worth the chance of more life.

Nightmares come and go but there is always a sliver of anticipation of, ‘what next?’ that sits around the edges of my body. It’s been there a lifetime and won’t yet let go completely. I long for the day though, when I can relax like our cat Misty. She’s currently sprawled on the back of the sofa with her legs hanging down the back, totally confident that all is as it should be.

Doing nothing this afternoon was deliberate. I could have gone to bed but I don’t sleep. I watched the end of a film. I gazed out of the window not seeing anything and got hot with our other cat, Marigold, on my lap purring her way to bliss. When she got too hot and moved I dozed off for a few minutes.

I thought about doing things. A bit of sewing. I bit of knitting. Painting a skirting board.

Instead I loaded more logs onto the woodburner. I rolled on the floor feeling my spine spiral and unravel and my joints loosen.

I thought about the pieces of writing I have started and might finish.

Then I sat there some more and still did nothing.

And this is just what I needed.

The last few weeks I have stopped asking:

What do I want? What do I desire? What would that be like? What are my goals? All of which puts my mind into the future, dragging my body with it.

It creates striving, stress and a sense of lack in a body that is already depleted. It creates a sense of lack in a life where I already have enough and am enough.

I forget this often until I remember again.

Usually until I am forced to remember again.

Instead, I have been asking myself each day:

What do I need?

What do I need today?

What do I need this moment?

The question: what do I need, brings me instantly back into the now.

I notice my body and where it aches or feels heavy with tiredness and I know I need more rest.

Or I notice anxiety and instantly want to quell it.

Honouring my needs…

I notice what needs doing that day and let go of everything I can without guilt or judgement or explaining.

Over and over again I come back to the same answers to, what do I need?

I need to rest.

I need to stop.

I need a chat with a friend.

I need a walk but maybe shorter than usual, not one driven by my ego.

I need simplicity.

I need to rest.

I need to rest.

I need to escape into a book or a film.

I need to rest.

Pause now and ask yourself, what do I need?

Sit with the question for a few days or weeks.

Let it immerse itself in your being and sing to you.

And let me know how you get on.

Click on this link to go to the webpage and

With Love
from My True Self to Yours
xx Karen xx

www.thekarenrobinson.uk

Share with your caring friends and family and subscribe or give it a like so more people can gather together and become Empowered Carers. 👇👇👇

Honouring Your True Self is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts become a free or paid subscriber.

---

MEDICAL DISCLAIMER

Any information or guidance we provide is not a substitute for the consultation, diagnosis, and/or medical treatment of your doctor or healthcare provider.

You must not rely on any information or guidance we provide you with as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or healthcare provider and we expressly disclaim all responsibility, and shall have no liability, for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffered by you or any third party as a result of your reliance on any information or guidance we provide you with.