Is Personal Development Ruining Your Self Worth? #52
Stepping back and taking inventory of what's working and what's not. Embracing a bit of woo woo and relaxing into my true self. 💜
Dear Lovely You,
I have had a break from coaching for about eighteen months to give me space to apply and embody what I know and come back to myself, instead of lurching from one thing to another with a sense of desperation which can lead me in the wrong direction.
I got to a point I didn't feel I had much more to learn about myself. Over and over I was finding a lack of self-worth at the root of my issues. But why?
Had it always been that way? It seemed, at least on the surface, it hadn't.
As a young woman I had been able to make decisions for myself. Blustering through. Pushing and striving for a better life. But while I was pushing I was ignoring my needs. Pretending they didn't matter. More than that, not even realising I had any needs beyond loking after others.
My mind over-riding any hint of perceived weakness from my body. Everyone keeps going, so I have to too.
I am not allowed to struggle. Who says?
Just one more thing to do (which invariably leads to others), one more person to help.
No! Don’t stop they’ll think you’re lazy, weak, selfish, a failure…
Where did that idea come from?
How did it become a belief that unconsciously was running the show?
Rushing around trying to ensure everyone else was ok. But feeling it must be a weakness if I ask for help or admit I’m crumbling?
The answer is, it started somewhere before I was seven years old and was reinforced by many other similar situations, at least to my mind, that backed up and gave me evidence I was right.
I’m not worthy unless I keep beating myself up to do and be more.
Does personal development cause low self-worth?
I have lived within the personal development world for over twenty years and it does become addictive. I am so fascinated by the mind and people and what makes us tick and have seen it as the way in to getting to the root cause of our human condition. What could be wrong with that?
Don't we all want to feel and function better?
Well no, some people are perfectly happy with the way they are, if not with the way life is.
But if we're not happy with the way our lives are, the only thing that is within our control to change it is ourselves.
However, over the last two decades personal development has become a huge industry with thousands of self help books, online courses, retreats and even TV Channels telling us what we must do to be better humans and more successful.
And in the pursuit of self improvement we can lose track of all that we have already gained and have.
And herein lies the rub. In my race to resolve health issues, to be happier, to be more successful, I realised I have been silently telling myself you're not good enough, again and again and again.
Not noticing (or too stubborn to stop because I HAVE to DO something) that what I was doing wasn’t working.
Ironically my striving to heal myself and failing had developed into another big stick to beat myself up.
It must be me. I must be doing something wrong. I haven't found the right thing yet. I have to keep trying.
Trying instead of being.
Ahh.. relaxing and enjoying what I have. Allowing myself to rest, recover, recharge.
Desperation for a cure was the very thing that propels me to keep going. A dogged determination not to give up.
In the belief that: I'll just carry on doing more of this, spending money on that, do another course, read another book, learn another technique and eventually I'll find the magic key that's going to heal me.
Don't get me wrong, I don't regret a single minute or a single pound I have spent on my training and coaching. I love it and I knew right from the start I had to do it without knowing where it was going to lead. And I love that there is now growing research and evidence that what used to be thought of as woo woo, pie in the sky muppet magic, does in fact help to rewire the brain so we can start manifesting the lives we truly want.
Stepping back and taking inventory
Self awareness does involve effort though.
And it does involve building a real sense of self-worth as we get to know and honour our true selves.
I have a clever mind and it ALWAYS wants to be in control of everything.
Finding practitioners who can get beyond the bluff is difficult. I would work out what they were doing and pre-empt them. I would find myself expanding on their thoughts and explanations before they did because I have to appear to know best. This was my unconscious protection mechanism.
But how to get beyond that? How to actually find my blind spots?
You see, I was good at sounding and looking like I had myself all worked out (and in many ways I did) but I didn't know how or what to change to FEEL better.
It turns out it’s really quite simple.
STOP.
STAND BACK.
OBSERVE.
NOTICE WHAT YOU’RE DOING.
NOTICE IF WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS ACTUALLY HELPING YOU.
NOTICE (AND BE HONEST) IF YOU ARE JUST GOING AROUND IN CIRCLES.
NOTICE HOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL WHEN YOU ARE.
REALLY NOTICE HOW DESPERATE STRIVING FEELS IN YOUR BODY.
NOTICE THAT, OH I HAVE BEEN HERE BEFORE. I STOP. I OBSERVE AND AND TRY TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT ONLY TO FIND MYSELF REPEATING THE SAME PATTERN.
DECIDE TO STOP THE UNHELPFUL PATTERN BUT FAIL MULTIPLE MORE TIMES BECAUSE IT’S SO WIRED IN.
YOU CAN GET SO FAR ON YOUR OWN THROUGH FREE WILL BUT THERE ARE SOME STUBBORN LITTLE WHATSITS THAT JUST WON’T BUDGE.
HAVING HAD A PROPER BREAK THOUGH YOU CAN SEE WHAT’S NOT WORKING ANY MORE.
EXPLORE NEW OPTIONS AND POSSIBILITIES TO REWIRE YOUR BRAIN SO YOU CAN TAKE CONSISTENTLY ALIGNED AND CONGRUENT ACTION.
REMEMBER THAT STRIVING WON’T HELP AND DO THE NEW THINGS WITH PATIENCE.
NOTICE NEW RESULTS AND REMEMBER TO BE PATIENT, COMPASSIONATE AND OBSERVANT.
LET SUCCESSFUL STEPPING STONES BE ORDINARY SO YOU DON’T GET OVER EXCITED AND OVER-STRETCH YOURSELF AGAIN.
Choosing a bit of Woo Woo
Having had a break from working with any practitioners I felt ready for a next step. Over the year I had collected a list of practitioners, therapists, body workers, yoga teachers and others including some I had already worked with.
I went for a few massages. That should have worked I thought, as my Love Language is physical touch and massage is known to help release oxytocin. It seemed like an obvious choice. But after three sessions with a really experienced body worker who actually listens I felt worse. I listened to my body and stopped.
I tentatively reconnected with a teacher and practitioner I thought might help me but there were hiccups with her communication three times and I knew in my bones I was going in the wrong direction. STOP.
It was time for a new approach.
I then saw a comment in a thread on social media that peaked my interest. The author of the message was saying they had tried all sorts of approaches to heal chronic health issues to no avail and was asking for help. But one person said they were having success with something completely different and to DM her. Her offer wasn't to me but I messaged her anyway. She happily described the progress she was making with Body Code, Emotion Code and Belief Code (which is a kind of energy healing) clearing a lot of emotional blocks and limiting beliefs. After years of feeling stuck with an auto-immune condition was finally making progress.
I had to try it. But I still wasn't sure so I wrote down all the practitioners and modalities on little slips of paper. Folded them then tossed them around before dowsing. Yes I am one of those people who has a dowser which I use from time to time. This left me with three things to try.
Body Code, Groove (which is a fun dance class I sometimes go to) and some fancy pants yoga I had heard of locally.
I plumped for Body Code because… well I haven’t tried anything like that before so why not? Body Code works with the subconscious mind instead of trying to change the conscious mind which always thinks it knows best.
The subconscious mind is where real sustainable change happens and rewires the brain. You have to work with it and learn too but it really is shifting a LOT of stuff and I felt the benefit from the very first session.
It’s such a relief to get a little uplift and feel some hope again. I am feeling more present, more compassionate and umm… parts of my personality that I have repressed are leaking out from time to time and what comes out of my mouth sometimes surprises me.
This is scarey. In the past when it happened, I would be too concerned about how it was affecting my relationships and contract, repress my authentic self and revert back to people pleasing. This time I have been able, from a place of love, to explain to my family what is going on, apologise and ask them to be patient as I learn how to manage this newfound bubble of energy.
Instead of suppressing those parts that I would rather other people didn’t see, I am embracing them. The critical, self-righteous, know it all needs space to breathe and I am looking forward to the positive fruits of it’s energy.
As I relax into myself a little more things are beginning to shift. I catch myself beginning the old pattern of striving -in my head- and pause more. I'm listening to my impulses more and acting less from a place of fear or lack.
With Love
from My True Self to Yours
Karen xx
PS. If you would like to collaborate with me and share your journey of recovering your True Self ( a journey that can take a lifetime so maybe incomplete) you can contact me by DM if you have the substack app or reply to this email if you are a subscriber. I would love to hear your story.
Honouring Your True Self is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.
Yes we matter and our health matters. And I don't know if it's a case of getting there wherever there is. I feel now it's more like totally accepting where I am now. All of it and because I have come to this place things I thought mattered seem to matter less. Things I want to manifest I still want but feel completely unattached to whether they happen or not. Well mostly anyway. 😅 💜
Thank you for sharing SO MUCH of your journey here and so openly 🙏
I am fascinated by other chronic illness journeys in addition to my own.
I feel the way we approach it has everything to do with how we heal (as opposed to what we do and how much of it we do and how perfectly we get it right etc).
I am also deeply intrigued by the part our belief system has to play with our wellness (or lack thereof).
I’ve only recently heard of the emotion codes, I know someone who does it and will be embarking on this journey myself at some point.
For me, it all changed when I woke up to the newfound belief one day that “I matter. My health matters”. From that moment on I learned to let my body lead the way. So it didn’t matter insomuch as what I did (one by one I went on to do alllll the things) but it felt more connected to where I started from, the energy I gave to it and the body led approach that guided me step by step. All in the direction it is that I wanted to go - even though I had no idea if I would get there. I could never see the whole road ahead, only ever the next step.
It’s been brutal of course. Mountain climb after mountain climb. Treacherous. Vastly misunderstood. But the improvements to my health have been significant, year upon year upon year. And that, to me, was the most important thing.
It’s only now I can see why the world thought I was crazy and when I look back on how my life is now, I can see why what I’ve achieved is deemed impossible. Because I fully understand and appreciate what it’s taken.
Please, keep me updated on your journey with the emotion codes. Very intrigued about this.