Dealing with a crisis when you're already over-stretched #55
Dealing with a crisis when you're already over-stretched #55
And coaching myself through catastrophising
Dear Lovely You,
over the last four weeks as I have navigated caring for a loved one who has been very ill, I have had to let go of a lot of things while I continue to take care of myself.
I let go of things having to be done. I let go of perfectionism. I let go of some deep seated emotions. I let go of having to be the one that knows.
I let go of writing this letter to you even though my head told me I should. I followed my heart and I did what was right for me and my family.
I let go of always having to be right. I let go of dignity. I let go of the feeling that nobody cares about me.
I eventually let go of a lot of fear.
PAUSE while you ponder… What do you need to let go of?
During that time I have felt a pleasure and comfort in ordinary things like washing up, bathing, planting a few bean plants, weeding and my beloved walks in the woods.
You can join me in the peaceful woods with my neighbour’s dogs Ruby & Bella for a few minutes here:
Going through this difficult time I found myself dropping into an old pattern of catastrophising
Without wishing to be dramatic, I was also thinking about what I would do if I had a serious disease diagnosis. I saw myself taking off alone on a car camping holiday and spending time on cool British beaches while I got my head straight. Then clearing my mind and taking the actions that I choose and deem appropriate for myself without the fear and pressure of loved ones and the medical establishment.
Does that seem selfish?
Being diagnosed with a serious illness can be (though often isn't) a catalyst for a person to suddenly realise the truth of who they are and what they want in life.
It's not even that we don't know before such an occurence who we want to be. But we hide behind fear and let the status quo remain, protecting others from our wants, needs and desires lest it upset, irritate or offend them. And really we are protecting ourselves from hearing or seeing the disappointment from others that’s aimed at us.
As a caring person do you find yourself bending over backwards to please people or make them feel comfortable even when their behaviour is inappropriate?
One of the receptionists at our Doctor's surgery has a very unfortunate manner or should I say attitude?
As a family we find it difficult to ask for help but when we do, we really need it. So to hear her tutting and sighing while we explain why we need to speak to a doctor or nurse is excruciatingly painful.
Here I want to make excuses for her. I don't know what has gone on in her life to make her close her heart and be so cold. Or maybe it’s a personality trait and she’s simply in the wrong job.
But, I am not responsible for that and when I or my family need CARE we expect to find compassion at the end of the phone, not impatience, contempt and being made to feel like we are a bloody nuisance.
Do you make excuses for other people's bad behaviour?
I also know, having worked in a doctor’s surgery, that this kind of attitude breeds through the team as patients are discussed and judged behind closed doors and a toxic culture ensues.
Even as I write this, I can feel my body trying to contract and recoil into safety and trying to stop me saying anything.
And thoughts tumbling around my head as I try to avoid conflict. What are they saying about me/us? They don't like me/us? Are we being unreasonable? Demanding?
Even though I know we had a right to medical care and were being obstructed from that, I still want to keep the peace to maintain future relationships there.
Wanting and expecting everyone to be kind like me
We are patient, kind, caring people. We have a habit of avoiding conflict at all costs which is not always a healthy response. We bend over backwards to ensure others feel comfortable and we rarely ask for help.
So when the chips are down and we really are in need, we hope and expect that we will get some compassion, understanding and help.
After the conversation was finished and we hung up the phone, in the privacy of our own home, I found myself smashing the palms of my hands into the kitchen table. They stung so much I was tempted to stop but there was some pleasure in allowing such powerful emotions to be expressed and some queer bliss in the pain, so I continued.
I totally exploded with rage at the attitude we were being expected to take without compliant (they record calls for training purposes) and it took me by surprise.
Weeks of stress, holding everything together and suppressing my fear were catapulted out and everything I had been thinking poured from my mouth LOUD, unguarded and unedited.
My two adult sons came racing downstairs, thinking someone must have died.
Without hesitation, as I sobbed, they wrapped their arms around me and held me for a long time.
The trigger for this outburst was a feeling that no-one cares. All the dots from past experiences where I felt no-one cared and couldn’t express how I felt joined up together in one huge volcanic explosion.
The perception that no-one cares had been sitting unconscious, unresolved and still being held within me by my Inner Child.
But as I was held by my sons, I was reminded that I am very much cared about and loved, by family and friends.
The people that count really do care about me. The people that don't count don't know me and have their own shit going on and that's not my responsibility.
I apologised to my family and we talked it through. They all understood.
We finally turned a corner after waiting for two weeks to get to see the doctor and then getting an urgent referral but too late. By this time I had already booked a private consultation with a specialist.
(Note: here in the UK, in theory, everyone is entitled to free health care. The reality is that the NHS has been broken for many years as successive governments quietly dismantle and privatise what was an amazing public service a couple of decades ago.)
We finally got hold of the medication that was needed. We have finally had some tests with more to come and can see an end to this current escapade.
It’s highly likely that there is nothing serious going on and once my loved one has had the treatment they need in a few weeks time, life will carry on as normal.
Anger as medicine
In the world of self and spiritual development so called ‘negative emotions’ are often demonised if not discouraged.
You may be surprised to hear that it’s healthy to express anger as long as we do it without harm to ourself or others.
The important thing is to feel it fully and let it pass through us but again since most of us were discouraged from showing anger as children it takes practice to know the difference between acting anger out, which can also be detrimental to our health as well as relationships and really having firm boudaries when it’s time to say NO or ENOUGH!
Check out this video with my Nervous System Regulation teacher:
Coaching Myself Out Of Catastrophising
I decided to do some journalling. It is a great, scientifically proven, way to get everything out and gain a new perspective. I use it as a tool to coach myself.
I was highly stressed and imagining the worst. An old pattern. Having a vivid imagination is a double edged sword. 😆
I have many skills, knowledge and resources to help myself but all this was being over ridden by a deep fear within me that was trying to gain some control.
Some questions that were on my mind were:
Why do I imagine the worst when I know it just makes me more stressed?
Do I want to be a victim?
Is there a part of me that likes being a victim or needs it?
I then free flow wrote out my thoughts.
Note: I have lightly edited them to make sense here as when I write it often comes out all jumbled up rather than in a linear fashion.
There were Unconscious Beliefs that were holding this tendency to catastrophise in place
If I am a victim I still need someone to look after me and I need someone to look after me.
Hearing myself say this I know this is not true and I am quite capable of looking after myself. I can let that one go but… it will take repetition and practise to shift that inner feeling completely.
It helps me prepare for the worst case scenario.
If I imagine the worst case scenario I can work out how I am going to deal with it which gives me the illusion of having some control.
But…
It also causes a lot of stress for me and especially for others if I don't keep my thoughts to myself. But I can’t keep my thoughts to myself because I am too stressed. I need to talk it through with an appropriate person.
The purpose of catastrophising is to stay in the drama, to stay alert and keep unhelpful people at bay. And a protection mechanism to keep others alert to the fact I might need help and support but I don’t want to appear needy.
I wondered, where did this tendency to catastrophise come from?
It’s a habit I learned from one or two adults while I was growing up. And it’s a need in me to feel supported with an underlying feeling of shame that I even need help.
I hate to feel needy. It’s something I have fought against since I was a young woman feeling (or I should say believing) it made me seem weak and vulnerable. It’s okay for others but not okay for me. I have to stay strong for everyone else. Yet another ingrained belief.
But we all need support sometimes.
It also gives me a sense of purpose to rescue others. It pushes the stress hormones up and makes me feel alive. It gives me energy to act and to cope.
But I know I would cope better if I was calmer.
Underneath all that drama is fear.
Fear of the unknown and being out of control.
One of my biggest fears is not having control over my own body or being able to protect my loved ones.
I can't control the outcome but I can control some aspects of what occurs in between. A need to gather information to protect us. To have the best possible outcome. To control things that are out of my control. And an attempt to control other people to keep us safe.
It prevents other people taking advantage.
To stake my claim on my right to help and protect my loved ones.
Is it helpful/healthy to catastrophise?
It feels horrible!
What would be a better healthier way of dealing with a crisis?
Get the facts bit by bit, step by step and allow time to digest them.
Be patient.
Journal about how I am feeling.
Accept how I am feeling. All of it. Fear, anxiety, upset, impatience and journal on this.
Be present.
Take care of myself and my needs.
Ask for help.
Keep relevant people informed.
Talk to trusted friends.
Talk to trusted friends.
Talk to trusted friends.
Or talk to a professional.
Let the person involved make their own decisions whilst offering my own wisdom and insights without any attachment to them taking my advice. In other words let go of control. Surrender to not knowing what I don’t know.
Let go of anything that's non-essential.
Rest. Meditate.
Go to nature. Ground.
Long breaths out.
Humming and rocking are also great ways to soothe.
Find healthy ways to express fear and anger.
Cry if it arises. You don’t have to always be the strong one.
Be present.
Go for more walks.
The Outcome
Most of the things on my list of resources I did do and they helped. But the overwhelming fear that’s been there for so long sabotaged my ability to resolve the issue until I went deeper and took the time to coach myself and listen to the underlying shame.
Since I went through this journalling process and continued to journal daily (a good habit I had let slip) I’ve had a much less stressful week. I have remained much calmer. I am sleeping well and getting on with everyday life.
I am enjoying the birdsong, smelling the earth and freshly mown grass.
I have had many ideas of how I might work again which excites me (while still maintaining essential daily self-care as I manage chronic health issues).
I have been able to add in a few new foods to my diet. Bananas, peaches and egg white. Yum! When you haven’t had certain foods for a long time they taste like pure nectar.
I am more accepting of myself and my limitations.
I am dealing with the facts rather than my imagination.
I am a little more patient with waiting now some of the things are in place to get things rolling.
I have dipped my toe into coaching with a client again and it feels good and nourishing to be of service once again.
When the Universe throws us a curve ball and we have unresolved trauma in our systems, what seems like the right way to respond can be out of reach as primitive coping mechanisms take over.
It’s important to remember that our Inner Child can only respond in the way it knows how and to hold it (and yourself) gently and with compassion as it works things through.
Having the awareness and observation techniques to untangle what is going on, whether you do that on your own or with a trusted friend or practitioner is powerful in relieving unhelpful symptoms and behaviour and takes a lot of patience and practise.
With twenty years of coaching experience and a wealth of self awareness, I am able to do this for myself now most of the time but I choose to still work with other practitioners because there is always something to learn and we all have blind spots.
Next time the cards you are dealt are less than perfect remember to ask for help if you need it. 💜
With Love
from My True Self to Yours
Karen xx
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