Can you be the carer and cared for? #59

Letting go of control

Photo by Chinh Le Duc on Unsplash

Dear Lovely You,

energy is everything. It lights a spark.

Gives you a bounce that motivates you to get on and live.

But then shit happens. It happens to us all.

And sometimes I can't. I can't do it all on my own.

And waiting is murder.

Waiting and not knowing when the waiting will end.

This week? Next week? The week after?

And then there will be another wait. And another wait.

And at some point things will get worse. But we don't know how much worse or how quickly. But we do know they'll get worse.

And then what?

It's scary.

I only need my bounce and my spark to feel prosperous. I wish it would come back.

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Not everything you’ve been through will get resolved - that’s life.

Anger spills out so easily at the moment. Fuelled by events from my past that I have worked on and worked on and still get triggered. Still unresolved. And that’s how it is.

Some things will continue to nark me like a persistent itch.

How can I help? Yes you, how can I help you?

(If you’re receiving this by email, click on the link above which will take you to the page to add your comment).

Working out what you need

I need a deep conversation with a woman I love. A woman that understands me and admires me for who I am. Not what society or the pressure on women have deemed I should be.

I am a strong woman.

I am worthy of a life where I can thrive.

I don't have to be all things to all people.

And neither do you.

I just need to be all I need to be for me.

Now what do I need?

Peace.

Tranquility.

Belly laughs.

Time out.

People who get me.

A fierce conversation.

More fierce conversations.

Sanity.

Insanity

Answers.

I need to know what's happening and what needs to happen.

I need to know what my future holds.

I need to know nothing and just live each day as it comes and that’s hard to accept.

But I know something else is coming.

Something unwanted.

Something that will rock the foundations of my world as I know it. That already has in a way.

Life will never be the same again. But isn't this what I wanted? Change.

Now change is here but I don't want it like this.

But you don't get to choose. You don't get to choose how your life will pan out.

There will be surprises and shocks. There will be things you have to experience and cope with that you don't want to experience and cope with. But cope you will. In spite of yourself.

So rage. Rage and let all the feels spill out.

Let them dance across the page. Fall from your mouth. Punch the table with a tight fist.

So no!

Even though you know it also has to be a yes.

A yes to life. All of it. Because the best laid plans also get scuppered.

Spiritual people will tell you it's happening for you. That might make you mad or confused.

No matter. Whether it is or it isn't, you'll learn a lot about yourself. How resilient you are. How determined you can be.

How you make it easier for yourself or harder.

How what you're going through now, at the hardest time, relates to your everyday life.

What you need to reject. New things or ways of being you need to embrace.

All of it is what makes a rich life.

Breaks you open. Makes you curious again, if you allow it.

With every fibre of my being, I don't want this!

I know.

Not Now! Not ever!

I know.

And yet... Here we are. Facing it anyway.

One day at a time.

Can you be the carer and be cared for?

Those people that care most for you are waiting in the back­ground. Waiting for the word or words that will bring them to you. Maybe you’ve been keeping them at arm's length. But they are ready, waiting. Primed. And when the axe falls, they'll be there to hold you. To help you pick up the pieces

To listen.

To advise - though you might not want or need that.

You don’t need fixing.

You need holding. You need to be heard. You need to be accepted just as you are and whatever you’re expressing.

Broken. Sad. Pissed off. Defeated. Exhausted. Confused. Indecisive.

All of it is welcome here.

You can’t control everything and that’s okay even when it doesn’t feel okay

Fire transforms things. It might not be what you want.

It can destroy a house or melt down metals to make beautiful jewellery or burn down a forest so it is rejuvenated.

We have less control than we think or would like.

In my own life, I can't do anymore. I can't do anything but wait.

And when the waiting is over, I will probably wish I were still waiting. Waiting for the final blow.

Waiting to hear the words that will change everything.

Waiting and living.

Waiting to see what life brings us next.

I don't want this next phase. But I do want answers.

But more than that I want freedom. I want to get away. Run away from this nightmare.

And be and be and be.

But while we're waiting I can't do any of that. I have to wait. Be patient. Not push. Not be a nuisance. Just wait.

And be free to feel everything.

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Leave a comment and let me know if you feel you can be the carer and let yourself be cared for or does the thought make you squirm?

With Love
from My True Self to Yours
xx Karen xx

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