#28 Little Steps to Honouring Your True Self
Loved ones and boundaries
I have been reviewing some of my letters and noticed this one relates to todays. Popping it here in case you’re new here or missed it.
But scroll down for this weeks letter.
This weeks letter…
Dear Lovely You,
I've worked with people who had jobs working with things who needed to be working with people and vice versa. I've worked with people so stuck in grief they weren’t truly alive any more. I’ve worked with people who knew before they got married to their spouse they shouldn't be marrying them but they did anyway. I’ve worked with people who are dying inside because they think they have to look after everyone else first and couldn’t get past that to have a more fulfilling and healthy life for themselves.
I was told stories by my teachers of people making miraculous recoveries from serious disease because they were brave enough to take bold action.
When you have nothing to lose it's often easier to choose.
Like the man who was diagnosed with a tumour on his spine near his neck and was given six months to live. A successful businessman, he gave up his business, left his family and travelled. Two years later he returned to his doctor who wanted to know why he was still alive.
When we won't say no, when we ignore our own needs and desires eventually our bodies say it for us.
There have been many other people I have worked with who started to find that same clarity but it was too frightening to risk changing things. This is the rub. It takes a LOT of courage to change things. A lot of courage to change when people have got used to you or depend on you being a certain way.
They got used to an identity that you have projected.
And why do we do that?
To feel safe.
It feels safer to keep being the person everyone else now wants us to be than to admit we were wrong and want a different life.
I am no different. I have stayed in relationships that weren’t working seething and resentful inside. I stayed in my nursing career for over ten years even though six months into my training I knew I didn't want to be a nurse. In fact, even before I started my training and after I got my placement, I was rushed into hospital with suspected appendicitis. It wasn't appendicitis but my body was talking to me.
I know what my needs are now but back then I thought I just had to try harder.
Do you believe you’re good enough?
So many of the lies we tell ourselves are impregnated into our psyche by well-meaning, or not so well-meaning adults.
Could do better. Must work harder. Don't show us up. Stop showing off. Be good. Be quiet. Add yours…
All different versions of you’re not good enough and you have to act like we want you to to be deemed good enough.
Some rebel, most of us unwittingly believe what we're told and internalise it.
And it's all a lie.
We are born perfect and if our families, society, our education systems, teachers, didn't mess us up because of other agendas, we would be able to navigate this life with more authenticity, freedom, fun and flow.
We would remain curious and open more of the time. We would be more likely to discover what makes us feel good and lights us up and follow those things more. Instead, we are cajoled into thinking we are less than worthy of a place on this planet.
We feel we should think ourselves lucky that we have food and a home and to survive. We follow the breadcrumbs of compliments we're offered, that usually have an agenda behind them (something along the lines of – we want you to be like us), to manipulate us into doing what the other person/people wants us to do.
We manage to keep our heads above water but not to thrive.
Life has become a survival game. A victim game. A whose life is worse game.
Instead of one filled with love, community, acceptance and support.
Little steps that can make a big difference
But we don't have to burn our bridges to overhaul our lives. We don't have to and often can't. What paralyses us is fear of change. It's easier to keep things as they are because it feels like we're going to have to make monumental changes which is too overwhelming, but we don't.
Most of us do live with people who love us and most of the time it's about making little changes that make a big difference.
The problem is our nervous system can still perceive little changes as big. So, it takes time and patience and a bucket full of awareness to catch ourselves and calm our systems.
Making bite size changes that make a big difference
It's rarely as difficult as we think though. Last weekend I announced to my family that I would no longer be cooking at weekends. I had known it for months. I had noticed the resentment I felt at cooking every day (even though I don’t mind cooking) and never having a day off from it. I currently live with my husband and three of my adult sons. We all get on. We all love each other and there is a lot of respect and I don’t have any issues with them still being at home. In fact I believe it can be a healthy way to live in community with others.
My older son works full time and contributes financially. He's very practical and useful to have around. He's been filling the holes in our drive, and helped my husband to fix the fridge the other day. But he doesn't cook. He has no confidence for it. The other two are a lot younger. They take it in turns to cook our evening meal six days a week.
The youngest has just completed a distance learning degree and has a lot of techy know how which is also very useful for old codgers like us. The other is taking a break after finishing a very stressful job. They all do their own washing and keep their things to their own rooms.
But it's a lot of people to think about feeding each week and I find myself constantly putting them all first, working out who eats what, who is going to be here or worrying about if there's enough hot water for people to have showers.
On a daily basis, I am thinking about what food to get in and what to cook. It appears easy to them because I am pretty organised and have been doing it for so many years. Cooking comes naturally to me, even with a household of us who have various food sensitivities, likes and dislikes. It seemed petty not to cook for everyone EVERY day even though I didn't really want to.
It’s time to get honest with yourself
Getting honest with myself about this a few months ago I found myself making excuses to continue AND noticing the resentment I felt at the same time and I know that that's not healthy.
I know that resentment eats us up inside and then spills out in irritability at the slightest thing, because we haven't been honest with ourselves or our loved ones.
I knew I had to do something about it. I knew I had to lay down some boundaries.
Laying down firm boundaries
First, I told my husband. I didn't over explain or try to justify it but informed in a dispassionate way. I made it clear it was a non- negotiable. His response - I hear you.
Hmm... easier than I thought.
My eldest son who doesn't cook was silent. I can only mind-read his thoughts and they're probably something like - I'll go to the pub or cook my own, but I'm not cooking for this lot with all their weird demands.
My youngest said he didn't want to cook weekends either with a big smile on his face, knowing one of his days is the weekend!
Finally, I told my middle son and he and the youngest pronounced Sunday evenings they would have pizza! This is not a regular meal in our house as I cook everything from scratch but compromises will have to be made sometimes and I am completely cool with that.
In reality, this change just means they will have to work it out between them (ie: communicate with each other!) or cook for themselves. I have insisted that if they cook for themselves, they also clear up after themselves. I am not having dishes pile up and being ignored. It would drive me mad! Boundaries.
In the end it will probably be easier than everyone thinks. My husband won't be left to do it all which was one of my fears. Saturday lunch will be leftovers from Friday's big meal that I cook. yep! Still looking after them. :o) Saturday evenings the youngest will cook as usual. Sunday lunch my husband will cook and the evenings will be pizza. Simple.
Because I had thought it through and was able to communicate clearly, dispassionately and with humour everyone is on board
Phew!
This weekend will be the first weekend I haven't cooked for over thirty-six years! Add another ten years to that for the years I have cooked for a family.
Have you ever stopped to think about all these unpaid hours of labour?
Labour of love maybe but labour all the same.
My fears of being judged are getting less. I don't think any of them think I'm being selfish and if they do it's none of my business. I feel better.
Freer.
There's still a little tug to carry on the habit of looking after everyone else. It feels a bit weird knowing I have more time and a kind of void to fill. But I won't be rushing to fill it. There are plenty of other things I want to do and plenty of time to prioritise and decide.
For now I will be catching up with some extended family members and continuing to write and explore and expand into who I am meant to be now.
With Love
From my True Self to Yours
Karen xx