Boundaries That Define You #26
Small changes that can change everything
Dear Lovely You,
when you have built your whole identity around being a particular way, being a particular person it’s very scary to change that. But this is not a conscious thing. We feel uncomfortable and do what we’ve always done to avoid that discomfort rather than risk changing.
Equally working out what we need to change can be very difficult. We might know on some level that our life is not right, that we don’t feel satisfied, that we’re not happy but we haven’t even got to the place yet where we actually have the awareness and the knowing of what needs to change. So, we keep striving and pushing for the wrong things which is why it feels like striving and pushing and not being in flow.
We’re waiting for something outside of ourselves and out of our control to change before we can make the changes we need to make in order to feel better.
Or sometimes we do take a risk and we do make a change and it turns out not to be the right one for us and then we have to admit that and risk feeling like a fool. And if we continually keep making changes we risk being judged as fickle.
I am not reaching for big highs, I am reaching for the middle ground. For the yummy, nourishing, enriching activities and experiences that feed my heart and spirit.
It takes great courage at first to make simple aligned changes.
Courage to say, ‘no I am not doing that now because what I need for myself is to go for a long walk in the woods.’ Or, ‘no I am not doing that thing anymore because I have been doing it for forty-six years (cooking, clearing up for everyone) and that’s enough.’ Still working on this one. ;o)
By lowering my expectations, I don’t end up trying to do it all and feeling bitterly resentful for it when they don’t do it or do but not to my standards.
Most things we think matter don’t matter anyway.
Taking time for myself without guilt!
Yesterday I spent the day at the seaside with a friend. As we slip into autumn, it was great to feel warm sun at last. I have been yearning for the ocean, the smell of salt, crashing of waves, sand in my toes.
It’s taken me years to feel confident that it’s okay to attend to my own needs. To know that I don’t have to ask permission to do the things I want to do without having to wait to see what everyone else is doing first.
Waiting for everyone else to decide meant I was not just ignoring my needs but using that as a way to justify it! Using them as an excuse not to take care of myself. Not taking responsibility for my own needs. Being a martyr. Sacrificing myself. But no-one was asking me to do that!
Some people are better at attending to their needs.
My husband always puts his wellbeing first. That has meant, among other things, weekly indoor football for twenty-five years. Running and races most weekends from early autumn until late spring with a few sprinkled through the summer. Going abroad for Duathlon Championships. Taking the time and spending money on those things because it was important enough to him. It makes him feel good.
While I would be at home ensuring food was ready for them when they returned. Reliable. Caring. Mostly.
It’s taken a long time to figure out what I want to do with my precious time beyond being a mother and wife.
The gift of having a break.
Our house is much quieter while my husband recuperates from surgery. It has become a home rather than a work station where we have patients coming and going all week. Always on duty. Always performing.
Instead, my body has begun to relax and I am sleeping longer. I’m still needing to remember to leave some fuel in my tank, rather than keep going beyond my capacity.
What about you?
Do you constantly push yourself beyond your actual capacity
Do you even notice or are you so used to doing it, it feels normal and like you don’t have any other choices?
A few days ago I had wanted to garden and walk but I didn’t have the energy to do both. I allowed myself to follow my impulse to garden and it was quite satisfying to see the garden path reappear from under the weeds that had taken over.
I was Reclaiming that path just as I need to Reclaim my life, my choices and my sense of self. To honour my needs, wants and desires.
Today I really committed to taking care of myself. After almost ten hours sleep, I took my time getting up and doing my morning pages first, even though it was late. I had breakfast while listening to a podcast and didn’t stop the podcast when I had finished my breakfast but allowed myself to relax and carry on sitting and listening. It felt like being on holiday.
And shouldn’t life feel more like a holiday where we find a rythmn that best suits us?
Then I went for a long walk and there I began to unwind more. Feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin that makes me slightly perspire, I feel more equitable and I can now progress.
Finding your groove
The trails I was walking on reminded me how we get stuck in grooves or ruts. They are so well worn and familiar. But there are narrow paths that are quite difficult to see sometimes but lovely to follow and I occasionally see a deer or a hare. Or sometimes I will be following a groove and then find it gets too narrow or overgrown and lumpy but a few steps one way or the other it is easier.
Getting back in touch with your True Self is a constant process of noticing. Noticing what doesn’t work for you any more. What doesn’t feel right. What makes you angry, drained, exhausted, resentful or bitter.
It’s the practice of bringing awareness to see where you’re at and then choosing a little next step to change something.
It doesn’t have to be great big scary strides or leaps. I don’t have to jump on a rope swing, swing out across the pond and hope I will land on my feet the other side. But taking a small sideways step might be all the change that’s needed.
What in your life is not working any more?
What is one small change you can make today to attend to your own needs and honour yourself more?
With Love
From my True Self to Yours
Karen xx
Being still and aware is where I usually find myself in the maelstrom of life. Thanks for the reminder.