#13 Dear Steve
Steve was my best friend and losing him is the the most painful experience I have ever gone through in my life.
It has been my intention for some years to write a book as a series of letters to him of all the things I have wanted to talk to him about. All the things I want to ask. All the family experiences he’s missed. I think it will tell a story, a sort of memoir of our lives together, but also show people how to come through grief and live again.
20th October 2023
I’ve been talking to Steve.
I am so sorry. I am so sorry for all the mistakes I made as a parent. I know it doesn’t matter now. I know you don’t need it. But I need to say it.
I can’t even list here all the things I am sorry for, it’s too painful to remember, but you know what they are.
I wonder if you might have been happier home educated or an only child?
Your brother Jake really struggled after you died. I didn’t see the half of it. He chose to spend time with friends and anyway I was busy with the others. The grief was unbearable for him and alcohol played a big part in getting him through those first months. I thought for a while I might lose him too but I couldn’t dwell on it with other children to look after.
You would be amazed at him now. He’s travelled, lived abroad and in recent years given up drinking and smoking. He’s been back home for a couple of years. Life is hard for young people with the cost of living so high.
Jake doesn’t want children. Doesn’t want the responsibility or the hard work. You know Jake, he likes an easy life.
You would have been thirty-seven this year. You were such a chaotic creature. Many problems were solved by your untimely death but a gaping hole of questions too.
Who would you have become?
What sort of relationships would you have had?
Would you have had children and I be a grandmother by now?
Would you live near or far?
I have a longing to hold you and make up for all the perceived mistakes, wondering what might have been different or the same had I not made them.
But most of all a longing to see your cheeky face, big cow eyes and listen to your voice...
Luke, I love you and will always remember you.
My first born.
The one who showed me the power of a mother’s love.
xx Mum xx