#11 Dear Steve
Love letters to my dead brother
Steve was my best friend and losing him is the the most painful experience I have ever gone through in my life. And I’ve been through a lot!
It has been my intention for some years to write a book as a series of letters to him of all the things I have wanted to talk to him about. All the things I want to ask. All the things I need to express to him. All the family experiences he’s missed. I think it will tell a story, a sort of memoir of our lives together, but also show people how to come through grief and live again.
Thursday 28th September 2023
my perceptions seemed correct to me.
My perception was, I could have done better. Oh no! I sound like a school teacher!
But when I was talking to you the other night, our conversation went something like this and gave me a lot of clarity. I wrote it down because it helps me to process things.
You: If you could have done better you would have wouldn't you?
Me: Yes I guess.
You: And you didn't?
You: So, could you have done better at that time with the knowledge and experience you had then?
Me: I guess not.
You: You guess not?
Me: Well no because if I had had the knowledge I have now, I would have done better then.
You: Yes. What else?
Me: I am beaming back in time, a judgement based on what I know now.
You: Exactly! All the learning you have done has served you well but it is not meant to be another big stick to beat yourself up with.
Then you said (and you got a bit passionate here Steve): Through time, you have been berating your younger selves for all the mistakes you think you've made.
You have been using your knowledge to hold yourself up as a beacon of good now, while pointing a finger at your younger selves (and others) in case... In case what?
Me: In case I get too big for my boots and look like I’m showing off!
You: In case you love yourself too much. In case you get too bold. In case you fuck up again!
Because you don't think you truly deserve to be happy because of all you think you’ve done. You think you have to keep punishing yourself for your mistakes because that's what you've been conditioned to do.
That's why you fear to write honestly about some things.
If you keep punishing yourself, you'll stay in fear and that's safer than being in flow and saying what you really think.
You think you have no right to advise others because of the mistakes you've made.
And you keep blaming your younger selves for holding you back and doing things wrong.
All your younger selves have been cowering in your presence, your knowledge, your cleverness and waiting to be acknowledged. Waiting to be accepted. Waiting to be allowed out to play. To be.
Waiting to be loved.
Because they have always loved you. They have never stopped. I know you doubt any of this will make any difference. But why don't you try?
Why don't you allow these younger selves out of your self-imposed cages and see what happens? All those fragmented parts of yourself you have denied. These parts that made mistakes also had gifts to share. You shut away the mistakes you perceived and all the goodness too.
The spark. The energy.
The humour. The flow.
Too much fear of making mistakes so not taking any risks at all.
Not really. Shutting away your freedom like a bird in a cage.
When will you stop Sis?
Look at your younger selves and how they love you. Look at yourself now. How frightened. How you're still playing safe.
Remember what you now know and use it.
Then you stopped. That was quite a speech!
And Dear Steve I think I am getting it (again).
So, thank you from the bottom of my heart.
What I know now is:
I did my best. I always did my best. I am still doing my best.
I talk to myself meanly out of fear. Harshly. I still don't believe I'm worthy of love.
I am constantly judging myself now and in the past.
I judge myself before others do to stave it off.
Where did it come from this harsh judgemental voice?
Whose is it?
Lots of love, hugs and kisses,
XX Karen XX