Steve was my best friend and losing him is the the most painful experience I have ever gone through in my life.

It has been my intention for some years to write a book as a series of letters to him of all the things I have wanted to talk to him about. All the things I want to ask. All the family experiences he’s missed. I think it will tell a story, a sort of memoir of our lives together, but also show people how to come through grief and live again.

Somewhere in the ether

Any time in space

                                                                                           
Dear Mother,

you know I’m no writer so I’ll keep it brief.

You’re right you have nothing to apologise for. I love you. I’ve always loved you and will always love you but I think you know that in your heart.

Whatever I might have become I already was in many ways. It’s hard to change who you are. You know that better than most.

I watch Jake sometimes. I saw him back then and tried to reach him. I hope I did. I see how he’s changed and how your relationship has blossomed.

Anyway enough of that soppy stuff.

Lots a love
Take care Mother
luke xX

❤

PS. Dear Steve, Dear Sis, Dear Luke are on pause at the moment while I gather more energy and find more flow again….

You can find out more about my story and what I’m doing to build a Community of Deeply Caring over giving people pleasers who want to make the shift from Exhausted Caretakers to Empowered Caretakers here.

Honouring Your True Self

Hints, tips and guidance to help recovering over-carers & worn out people pleasers, to shed layers of conditioning and rediscover their true selves and zest for life.

By Karen Robinson

Steve was my best friend and losing him is the the most painful experience I have ever gone through in my life.

It has been my intention for some years to write a book as a series of letters to him of all the things I have wanted to talk to him about. All the things I want to ask. All the family experiences he’s missed. I think it will tell a story, a sort of memoir of our lives together, but also show people how to come through grief and live again.

20th October 2023

                                                                                           
Dear Luke,

it’s Mum.

I’ve been talking to Steve.

I am so sorry. I am so sorry for all the mistakes I made as a parent. I know it doesn’t matter now. I know you don’t need it. But I need to say it.

I can’t even list here all the things I am sorry for, it’s too painful to remember, but you know what they are.

I wonder if you might have been happier home educated or an only child?

Your brother Jake really struggled after you died. I didn’t see the half of it. He chose to spend time with friends and anyway I was busy with the others. The grief was unbearable for him and alcohol played a big part in getting him through those first months. I thought for a while I might lose him too but I couldn’t dwell on it with other children to look after.

You would be amazed at him now. He’s travelled, lived abroad and in recent years given up drinking and smoking. He’s been back home for a couple of years. Life is hard for young people with the cost of living so high.

Jake doesn’t want children. Doesn’t want the responsibility or the hard work. You know Jake, he likes an easy life.

You would have been thirty-seven this year. You were such a chaotic creature. Many problems were solved by your untimely death but a gaping hole of questions too.

Who would you have become?

What sort of relationships would you have had?

Would you have had children and I be a grandmother by now?

Would you live near or far?

I have a longing to hold you and make up for all the perceived mistakes, wondering what might have been different or the same had I not made them.

But most of all a longing to see your cheeky face, big cow eyes and listen to your voice...

Luke, I love you and will always remember you.

My first born.

The one who showed me the power of a mother’s love.

Be free.

With love
Always
xx Mum xx

❤

Share Honouring Your True Self

Steve was my best friend and losing him is the the most painful experience I have ever gone through in my life.

It has been my intention for some years to write a book as a series of letters to him of all the things I have wanted to talk to him about. All the things I want to ask. All the family experiences he’s missed. I think it will tell a story, a sort of memoir of our lives together, but also show people how to come through grief and live again.

From somewhere in the ether

                                                                                            Any time in space


Dear ))) Sis, (((

Dear Sis,

you have spent too long trying to work out where it all came from.

It’s time to let all that go and be in the now.

It's wired in. A habit. A habit that has protected you.

Your protection mechanism. Does it work?

What does it mean to be 'too big for your boots?'

Some people may get hurt by you being more expressive because their perception is you're showing off and that can be intimidating if they don't understand or aren't ready for it. It’s challenging for our loved ones when we change from the person they knew.

But if you suppress it, the ones who are ready and are needing, wanting, longing to learn from you don't get it because you are too afraid of hurting the ones who aren't ready.

You're trying to protect yourself from the people who might be upset by your clarity and insight. Trying to protect yourself from being hurt.

And in the process hurting yourself because you're suppressing parts of yourself that need to be expressed.

From the womb right up until this very day!

And all these other selves want and this self right inside you now, is to be fully expressed.

They (the parts of yourself you have tried to deny) and the you that is you now, want to be free!

You want to share your knowledge. They want you to stop punishing them (you).

They want you all to live an authentic life. To come out and play. To make mistakes and move on.

To stop taking life so seriously!

To listen to your son and brother who have gone before you. Who played the game of life for you with you and for themselves.

To stop judging yourself.

To become who you're meant to be.

Human. Fallible. Delighting in life.

Light and shade.

Honouring your emotions and feeling them.

Letting go.

Being free.

Not holding back.

Accepting some people won't like you. They're not ready.They won't get it. That’s okay.

Expressing yourself through colour, shape, form as well as words.

Stop hiding us inside you, they’re saying.

Let us out. Let us be. Ha ha...

Stop worrying. Stop worrying about your children. They are adults. They have their own paths to follow now.

Stop worrying about what people think. It doesn't matter and their thoughts are based on their perception of their own experiences.

Only you know the truth about you!

You're doing your best based on your knowledge and conditioning and habits.

You have enough knowledge to change the habits and conditioning.

Stay aware but not alert.

Loosen up to stay in the flow.

Let flow.

Let love flow.

Take some risks.

Be kind To Yourself please.

Above all Laugh at yourself and your mistakes.

Take the learnings and walk with them…

You used your head, now trust your heart.

Heart is all you need to incorporate more into your life.

She’s waiting, that inner you. She’s been waiting a long time.

She still loves you.

That little one inside.

❤

With Love
Always

Your Brother
))) Stephen (((
XxXxX

Share Honouring Your True Self

Steve was my best friend and losing him is the the most painful experience I have ever gone through in my life. And I’ve been through a lot!

It has been my intention for some years to write a book as a series of letters to him of all the things I have wanted to talk to him about. All the things I want to ask. All the things I need to express to him. All the family experiences he’s missed. I think it will tell a story, a sort of memoir of our lives together, but also show people how to come through grief and live again.

Thursday 28th September 2023

Dear Steve,

my perceptions seemed correct to me.

My perception was, I could have done better. Oh no! I sound like a school teacher!

But when I was talking to you the other night, our conversation went something like this and gave me a lot of clarity. I wrote it down because it helps me to process things.

You: If you could have done better you would have wouldn't you?

Me: Yes I guess.

You: And you didn't?

Me: No.

You: So, could you have done better at that time with the knowledge and experience you had then?

Me: I guess not.

You: You guess not?

Me: Well no because if I had had the knowledge I have now, I would have done better then.

You:  Yes. What else?

Me: I am beaming back in time, a judgement based on what I know now.

You: Exactly! All the learning you have done has served you well but it is not meant to be another big stick to beat yourself up with.

Then you said (and you got a bit passionate here Steve): Through time, you have been berating your younger selves for all the mistakes you think you've made.

You have been using your knowledge to hold yourself up as a beacon of good now, while pointing a finger at your younger selves (and others) in case... In case what?

Me: In case I get too big for my boots and look like I’m showing off!

You: In case you love yourself too much. In case you get too bold. In case you fuck up again!

Because you don't think you truly deserve to be happy because of all you think you’ve done. You think you have to keep punishing yourself for your mistakes because that's what you've been conditioned to do.

That's why you fear to write honestly about some things.

If you keep punishing yourself, you'll stay in fear and that's safer than being in flow and saying what you really think.

You think you have no right to advise others because of the mistakes you've made.

And you keep blaming your younger selves for holding you back and doing things wrong.

All your younger selves have been cowering in your presence, your knowledge, your cleverness and waiting to be acknowledged. Waiting to be accepted. Waiting to be allowed out to play. To be.

Waiting to be loved.

Because they have always loved you. They have never stopped. I know you doubt any of this will make any difference. But why don't you try?

Why don't you allow these younger selves out of your self-imposed cages and see what happens? All those fragmented parts of yourself you have denied. These parts that made mistakes also had gifts to share. You shut away the mistakes you perceived and all the goodness too.

The spark. The energy.

The mischief.

The humour. The flow.

Too much fear of making mistakes so not taking any risks at all.

Not really. Shutting away your freedom like a bird in a cage.

When will you stop Sis?

Look at your younger selves and how they love you. Look at yourself now. How frightened. How you're still playing safe.

 Remember what you now know and use it.

Then you stopped. That was quite a speech!

And Dear Steve I think I am getting it (again).

So, thank you from the bottom of my heart.

What I know now is:

I did my best. I always did my best. I am still doing my best.

I talk to myself meanly out of fear. Harshly. I still don't believe I'm worthy of love.

I am constantly judging myself now and in the past.

I judge myself before others do to stave it off.

Where did it come from this harsh judgemental voice?

Whose is it?

Lots of love, hugs and kisses,

Your Sister,
XX Karen XX

Steve was my best friend and losing him is the the most painful experience I have ever gone through in my life.

It has been my intention for some years to write a book as a series of letters to him of all the things I have wanted to talk to him about. All the things I want to ask. All the family experiences he’s missed. I think it will tell a story, a sort of memoir of our lives together, but also show people how to come through grief and live again.

From somewhere in the ether

                                                                                            Any time in space


Dear ))) Sis, (((

Dear Sis,

you can write to Luke too you know.

Luke is fine. He's safe. He knew what he was doing. What he was there for.

And what is that you ask?

He was your eyes. Deep soulful pools. He was your love. Is your love still. He was your extremes.

He was your mirror. He was showing you your unhappiness. Your frustration and trying to ground you in those times to bring you back. That was his job. He did that in life and he did that in death. And though it took a while and another death, another pact, it brought you to this place of awareness and back to spirit. That is your destiny now. That is everyone’s destiny.

We know it hurts still. We know you would rather have him back with all the angst and worry that he brought into your life but you don't need to worry now. Luke is at peace now. He doesn't need your help. That time has past. It's past. It's never too late to forgive yourself.

Because there's nothing to forgive. He knew what he was doing on a soul level. What we came for. You had come together again. You had apologised and taken responsibility. You had seen him looking so much better. You had accepted him and he always loved you. That never stopped.

You need to let him back in. Let him be a part of your life as you have with me. That's all. Instead of feeling guilt when you look at his photos remember love. Remember how you loved him. Remember the good times.

Always remember he loved you.

You couldn't have made different decisions because you didn't really think you deserved it. You thought you could fix it. Wanted to fix it. One of your life lessons is to stop trying to help people who can't be helped even if they are your mother, father, partner, friend, person on the street, nieghbour (I know you have wanted to help the whole world) and yes your son.

The only person you can really help is yourself as you know. And occasionally others might be inspired to do the same. But it's not your fault if they don't.

It's not your responsibility and even if Luke was a child, you are not responsible for his perceptions. And perceptions are what make our lives great or not.

Perceptions are what make or break us. You know this.

You need to check every time you struggle, are your perceptions correct?

With Love
Always

Your Brother
))) Stephen (((
XxXxX

Share Honouring Your True Self

Steve was my best friend and losing him is the the most painful experience I have ever gone through in my life. And I’ve been through a lot!

It has been my intention for some years to write a book as a series of letters to him of all the things I have wanted to talk to him about. All the things I want to ask. All the things I need to express to him. All the family experiences he’s missed. I think it will tell a story, a sort of memoir of our lives together, but also show people how to come through grief and live again.

Wednesday 13th September 2023

Dear Steve,

forgive myself! Forgive myself!?

Really?

I don’t know how.

I can’t make it up to him like I can for the others. Time ran out for that when he died. If I could have taken back every angry word, I would have right then when I saw his beautiful dead body. His long dark lashes stroking his cheeks.

If I could have. If I thought it would make a difference. If I could have him back.

So many mistakes. So many hurts.

I am full of remorse and regret and I can't forgive myself. I can't!

I always thought I knew best. Thought he would be okay.

I am an intelligent women. I should have known better.

I don't mean to keep punishing myself but I can't seem to help it. It keeps coming up no matter how much work I do on it. Not all the time but from time to time it’s still there.

Luke told me not to worry about it before he died. When he was coming back and eating with us occasionally. When I tried to apologise. I can't rem­ember what 'it' was but I was apologising. Oh, maybe to do with school, bringing him here. Taking him away from his friends and family. He said it didn't matter. That he didn't go to school much anyway.

I looked through his school books that had been left in the attic. The evidence clear that over two years of being here he stopped trying. He clearly didn't care less.

I cannot forgive myself. I cannot!

I was so stressed had got myself into a situation that was too much for me and for us that I forgot who I was. His Mother! The one person he should have been able to rely on!

The others must know I love them. They're still here! But what about Luke? How can I ever make it up to him? What must he think of me?

I know what you're going to say. That there's nothing to forgive.

That we made a pact. A soul pact.

It makes no sense to me.

That the love I had and have for him is enough too.

That the love I have now I must give to myself.

I don't know how.

I don't know how to love myself unconditionally. I don't know how to love myself when I have inflicted so much pain and damage on another living being.

I have been afraid to ask about him. Afraid to try to connect with him.

You see, I knew you would always love me but then I don't remember ever being mean to you. Well apart from when I was about eight and you six and I let you get blamed for something I did and you didn't get your wagonwheel that mum had bought us for a treat. Umm… sorry about that Steve.

And Luke was so beautiful. I was so young. No excuse. I was mature. Not mature enough. Not as mature as I thought. Arrogant. Thinking I knew it all. Knew better. How can I forgive myself for my arrogance? How?

How am I supposed to face myself?

And what about Luke?

When I think of him I can only see his anxiety. How tense he was. Never feeling safe. Never feeling safe because of me.

But I could have protected him. I could have made better decisions.

I love you Steve but I am so angry with myself.

Lots of love, hugs and kisses,

Your Sister,
XX Karen XX

Share Honouring Your True Self

Steve was my best friend and losing him is the the most painful experience I have ever gone through in my life.

It has been my intention for some years to write a book as a series of letters to him of all the things I have wanted to talk to him about. All the things I want to ask. All the family experiences he’s missed. I think it will tell a story, a sort of memoir of our lives together, but also show people how to come through grief and live again.

From somewhere in the ether

                                                                                            Any time in space


Dear ))) Sis, (((

when will you forgive yourself?

What will it take for you to embody the fact that every human on earth makes mistakes?

What’s stopping you from really knowing on a full body level that humans come to earth to learn so many lessons? To have experiences? To feel all the feels?

I love you Sis.

I love you Sis.

I love you Sis.

I want you to really know how much you’re loved.

How much you’re loved no matter what happens. No matter what you’ve done or not done. No matter who you are.

And for you to love yourself the same way.

When will you give yourself a break and stop beating yourself up?

I know you do it less and I know it comes in phases.

You are you.

You are human.

You are perfect.

Nothing matters.

NOTHING…

At the end of the day, at the end of life, nothing matters.

So glad you are going dancing. I miss that more than anything. Although you might say I am constantly dancing here. Ha ha…

To dance, to dance, to dance, to life…

Dance through life…

Yes Luke is here.

We are all here.

All your/our ancestors watching to see how you get on. It’s very entertaining.

It intreagues us. All the ups and downs. That’s why many choose to come back, knowing it will be painful too but not understanding what that actually means.

Don’t worry we look after each other. Not that we need much. It’s not like being human.

We all love you.

With Love
Always

Your Brother
))) Stephen (((
XxXxX

Share Honouring Your True Self

Steve was my best friend and losing him is the the most painful experience I have ever gone through in my life. And I’ve been through a lot!

It has been my intention for some years to write a book as a series of letters to him of all the things I have wanted to talk to him about. All the things I want to ask. All the things I need to express to him. All the family experiences he’s missed. I think it will tell a story, a sort of memoir of our lives together, but also show people how to come through grief and live again.

Thursday 31st August 2023

Dear Steve,

I’m crying.

I am crying because I forgot to keep loving them for a while. So hell bent on creating a better life. So overwhelmed with everything I had to do. So intent on getting on and getting it all done. The routines, the rigmarole. The daily grind. And I forgot. I forgot to keep loving and instead pushed. I pushed and pushed and pushed them. To grow up faster. To fulfill their potential. To be more. To be independent. Never accepting. Never allowing them to find their own way more until Luke died. I learned my lesson. But in so many ways it was too late.

The conditioning had already happened. The patterns already set. I see now all the mistakes I made. I beat myself up and though I am aware of what I am doing I can’t seem to stop. It’s not that I do it all the time, it’s just that I do it at all. Then of course beat myself up for doing that. I am a ‘nana.

I know I was young. I know I did my best and made the best decisions I could at the time. I know I didn’t have the knowledge I have now but I also know that I knew I was making bad choices and ignored my intuition. I suppose something had to wake me up.

Then I remembered to keep loving them and I still kept pushing. I forgot to love myself. No-one ever told us that was important did they?

Instead, pushing myself over and over again. Getting in my own way. Jumping from one project to another. Impatient. Always impatient. Too much to do. Resentment and frustration building up. Trying to prove myself. Trying to be successful. Forgetting what success really means. Comparing myself to others too much. Wanting to be something. Never satisfied.

But I like crazy me too. I like fun me. Humourous me. Dancing, laughing, teasing, smiley me. That me is much more present now. I love it when that spark is lit!

It’s funny that that me is more present now at a time when finances are more stretched than they have been for years. When, some may say, I should be thinking of getting a job rather than playing with writing and painting.

Ashley’s operation went well. He almost didn’t have it done. He had been feeling better for about four days and when he told the surgeon this on the morning of the operation, the surgeon asked if he needed it. For ten or fifteen minutes I thought we were going to turn around and come back home. I asked about the damage to the nerve if he didn’t have it and he said the risk was the same either way. Then Ashley asked if he’d looked at the MRI scan they had done for their research project and he hadn’t. He went off swiftly then and came back with the news that the disc prolapse was in fact bigger. Thank goodness that made the choice easy.

The keyhole surgery went really well. Only an hours blip for me when I phoned at the allotted time and was told to phone back in two hours. I immediately thought there must be something wrong and was relieved when Ashley phoned me himself an hour later. He was hungry. Always a good sign for someone who lives to eat!

Now it’s going to take time to build up some strength again in his legs having not had any exercise for seven months. Of course he overdid it. Did short walks once a day, three times a day, four times a day. Then his calf muscles complained too much and he hasn’t walked for two days. It’s amazing we (people generally) keep pushing beyond our capacity.

This week though I have been feeling grumpy, sad, irritable. I think it’s another wave of grief. Grief for how our lives are changing. And because I miss you. And perhaps because my life still revolves around everyone else. I need some time out. A day to myself. To do something different. So I have some plans.

Tomorrow Carmen and I are going to Ectstatic Dancing at a village hall. I’ve been before but not for about four years and she has not. It’s a bit like the village hall discos we went to when we were kids but without the alcohol and with better music. No chairs to sit, just space to dance. Music building to a crescendo as we move our bodies and then back down again over three hours. My muscles and joints are not young any more. Just thinking about it makes me feel knackered but I know I’ll enjoy in while I’m there.

If the weather perks up next week I might to a day at the seaside and I’m wondering if I can get away with a holiday in October when Ashley’s more recovered.

And I’ve been clearing out. The trampoline has gone from the garden. The old treadle sewing machine that I never got around to using is going tomorrow. I thought I was going to do loads of sewing when I got it, thought it would save electricity. But these things need servicing and you need to know what you’re doing. I haven’t had the head space to work it all out. It’s been sat there for nearly two years goding me, making me feel guilty about not using it. Using up headspace and energy. I just don’t have time or energy for all the things I want to do so I am proritising. Making space. That’s going. The paints and easel are staying. The cupboard full of fabrics is staying and I’ll finish some sewing projects by hand which is soothing to do.

Making space so I can do a few things well rather than lots of things poorly. And decluttering is always so therapeutic for me. I know you understand this being a minimalist yourself.

I’ve been meaning to ask you Steve, is Luke there with you? His Nan came to me in a dream before he died and said she’d look after him. Of course I didn’t know who him was then and I certainly didn’t think my dreams were premonitions. But are you connected with our other friends, relatives or acquantances who have also passed?

Lots of love, hugs and kisses,

Your Sister,
XX Karen XX

Share Honouring Your True Self

Steve was my best friend and losing him is the the most painful experience I have ever gone through in my life.

It has been my intention for some years to write a book as a series of letters to him of all the things I have wanted to talk to him about. All the things I want to ask. All the family experiences he’s missed. I think it will tell a story, a sort of memoir of our lives together, but also show people how to come through grief and live again.

From somewhere in the ether

                                                                                            Any time in space


Dear ))) Sis, (((

it makes me laugh that people still talk of weather, complain about it, knowing it is out of their control. It’s just weather. I miss running in the wind, soaking up sun rays, the thrill of racing down snow covered mountains. I miss the contrast.

I see the world overwhelmed with too many choices and I see people allowing themselves to be too accessible all of the time so they are worn out, pulled in all directions. Confused and tired. Like they have no control over it and yet they do. So much more than they think.

The dopamine hits are quite something though from your technology. I see them light up in people when they get them. Royal blue in colour. More and more and more they want. It’s addictive but they don’t realise and can’t get enough. Then they wonder why they don’t feel right. I might have been one of those people.

What it’s like here is difficult to describe. You use words down there like they mean something profound, like they explain everything but they can only capture a sliver of the meanings and magnificense of life.

Here we commune. All is connected. We watch and listen intreagued. At peace. Whole but curious. Waiting for connection.

You’re no crazier than anyone else. No crazier than you’ve ever been! Ha ha… I love to see crazy you. Vibrant you. Courageous and vulnerable you. I love to see you fulfilling your potential, listening to yourself and trusting your own intuition. I love to see you sparking up and getting it out.

I know you doubt yourself still. I know the bravery comes in waves and is followed by doubt. I know you think of giving up until the next wave hits and you carry on. Riding the waves is what you’re there to do. Up, down and round and round. Embracing it all. Allowing it all. FEELING it all.

The part that still doesn’t feel safe needs to be free to be. Don’t judge her. Hold her hand, get curious. Play. She needs to play and rest and rest and play and dance with life. Not for it, not against it but with it and through it.

I’m glad you can see the gift in Luke’s death. The freedom it gave you to be completely yourself rather than a potted version of Karen. I am so proud of you Sis.

You are so funny. You love those boys to their bones. You know it! And they’re getting ready. I am so pleased you are not pushing them away. You have learned so much as a mother. Keep loving them Karen. Remember to keep loving them.

I’m sorry I let you down. My friends called me out on my grief. I remember telling you this. Maybe I was trying to do the same for you? I was just happy to be back. I told you I knew something was going to bring me back from Japan. Maybe I just wanted it but didn’t have the guts to admit it having commitments there.

I will be with you both tomorrow as Ashley has his surgery. Remember to connect with me. I’ll be holding you, supporting you, loving you.

With Love
Always

Your Brother
))) Stephen (((
XxXxX

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MEDICAL DISCLAIMER

The techniques and processes presented on this website are for your information only, they are not a substitute for appropriate professional medical, or mental health, advice and care. Results cannot be guaranteed.

Thanks for reading Honouring Your True Self !

Steve was my best friend and losing him is the the most painful experience I have ever gone through in my life. And I’ve been through a lot!

It has been my intention for some years to write a book as a series of letters to him of all the things I have wanted to talk to him about. All the things I want to ask. All the things I need to express to him. All the family experiences he’s missed. I think it will tell a story, a sort of memoir of our lives together, but also show people how to come through grief and live again.

Friday 18th August 2023

Dear Steve,

you ask, how does it feel to be more raw, authentic and honest? It scares the shit out of me!

I love it and hate it!

I want it more than anything and I cower away from it, still afraid of failure. Still afraid of judgement. Still afraid of rejection.

It burns a hole in me to be my True Self.

My body revels in it sometimes and yet it holds on to so much pain still so I can’t embody it fully. So much fear. It still doesn’t feel safe.

I can’t push it, as it gets tighter. The tightness is like a hard leather belt around my middle. It’s suffocating. It pulls inwards and upwards under my ribs. Presses down on my belly. It’s like a steel fist in the middle of my back.

I sometimes feel in flow. Creative, fun, humourous, expressive, pure magic, full of energy.

At it’s best I feel like I am having so much clarity and insight. It’s expansive and feels like a dance. That’s how life should be, like a dance.

There’s a part of me that still can’t let go completely. A part that thinks I’m crazy for sharing so openly. A part that thinks it’s unsafe.

It doesn’t want me to get hurt and yet it’s hurting me anyway. But it doesn’t believe me. It believes it is the only thing that can save me.

It’s expansive when I am in flow. Unbreakable. Strong. Fearless.

We’re here to feel it all you say. I feel but it’s like my body doesn’t want me to feel so it keeps trying to shut down again and again and again. Like it’s too much. Like I’m not allowed. I want to feel but can’t, not like when Luke died and I felt EVERYTHING for a few weeks.

What could you have done to help me back then? You came back. I thought that was enough. When I said I was okay you could have challenged me on that. You could have asked: Is it true? But I can only know this in retrospect.

And if you were struggling as you say you were, and you were needing help yourself, you wouldn’t have wanted to know I was not okay, that I was dying inside. You were protecting yourself from my pain and dealing with your own. I understand that now as I did then.

My stress levels are pretty high at the moment. The garden is all overgrown. I can’t do it on my own. It does attract more wildlife though. We had a sparrowhawk visit yesterday and a little hedgehog is a regular hoovering up the left over cat food. We still feed the feral cats that help to keep the rats away. Only two now. An old guy we call Brutus because he used to terrorise our domestic cats. He, like others before him, now treats our garden as his retirement home.

To add to the stress, the new door to the kitchen is not working properly and the light that had to be disconnected not working at all. That’s why my body is holding on so much. Too many things that are out of my control going on. It’s really uncomfortable. I am hoping when Ashley has his surgery next week things will begin to get easier.

I plan to convalesce with him. He won’t be able to work for six weeks. Six weeks off! Unheard of in the twenty seven years we have been together. Last year we had one weeks holiday in the summer and a week for Christmas when we had flu. He doesn’t like to take time off but that impacts the rest of us. I’m tired.

Life living with others is full of compromise and sometimes you have to draw the line. I am trying to draw lines. I am trying to work out where I place my stick in the ground and say ENOUGH! I am trying to remain kind and compassionate as I figure out my boundaries.

I have told the boys that if they haven’t gone by Christmas I’ll leave instead. ‘Where will you go?’ I was asked. Good question! I was only joking of course. But it’s time they flew.

Life used to be a lot simpler. Do you remember that conversation we had about being grateful to be brought up in the seventies? Enough gadgets to make life a little easier but not so many that they took over our lives.

I feel like most people are overloaded and overwhelmed. Too much choice and not enough freedom.

The weather has been shit this summer. Cold and dry, then warmer but wet . I long for heat and sunshine that reaches my bones. I long for the sumptuousness of bathing in warm seas.

What is it like where you are?

Lots of love, hugs and kisses,

Your Sister,
XX Karen XX

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MEDICAL DISCLAIMER

The techniques and processes presented on this website are for your information only, they are not a substitute for appropriate professional medical, or mental health, advice and care. Results cannot be guaranteed.

Steve was my best friend and losing him is the the most painful experience I have ever gone through in my life.

It has been my intention for some years to write a book as a series of letters to him of all the things I have wanted to talk to him about. All the things I want to ask. All the family experiences he’s missed. I think it will tell a story, a sort of memoir of our lives together, but also show people how to come through grief and live again.

From somewhere in the ether

                                                                                            Any time in space


Dear ))) Sis, (((

I love you.

Of course I care.

How could you doubt that?

You're angry.

It's understandable.

You went through a lot.

You know anger is a natural part of grieving.

Don't hold onto it.

I watch you. I listen.

I was always better at expressing myself than you. Remember?

I know about emotions. Energy in Motion.

I was always waiting for the rest of you to catch up.

Frustrated.

In the end you didn't need me.

You have yourself.

You've learned to trust yourself.

You're more honest now. More authentic. More raw. How does it feel?

Your strength is your Vulnerability.

You know that now.

And your children learn from you. They learn from you being yourself. They learn how to deal with difficult emotions from you.

That’s important because they are going to have their own losses to deal with.

That's why they're still around. They're still learning. Don't push them away. They're nearly ready.

We had and have kind of contracts if you want to call it that. Agreements that we made to grow and evolve. But we can change them.

You ask what's the point in life just to die?

Without contrast we would not have a clue how different things feel.

The joy of birth and new life.

The death of a beloved.

Death makes life feel more precious. It wakes us up from taking it for granted. It can help us to remember what’s important.

Birth shows us the miracle of life in all its glory.

And what’s important is unique to each individual. What lights you up might be another person’s worst nightmare.

Everything would be beige without contrast. We come here to experience what it means to be human, not to feel neutral.

But to feel it all. We have a fascination with it. The drama.

Remember the card I gave you?

Mrs. Invincible?

That's because I was in awe of you and how you were coping with Luke's death.

When you said you were okay, I believed you. I wanted to believe you. I needed to so I could be okay. So I could get on with my life. I must have known on some level it wasn’t the truth.

And I wanted you to be okay because I didn't know how to help you. That's the problem with being so capable, no-one knows how to help capable people, we just end up feeling useless.

You need to let people help you more. You need to ask.

What could I have done for you that would have helped? I would love to know.

My brave brave sister.

With Love
Always

Your Brother
))) Stephen (((
XxXxX

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MEDICAL DISCLAIMER

The techniques and processes presented on this website are for your information only, they are not a substitute for appropriate professional medical, or mental health, advice and care. Results cannot be guaranteed.

Thanks for reading Honouring Your True Self !

Steve was my best friend and losing him is the the most painful experience I have ever gone through in my life. And I’ve been through a lot!

It has been my intention for some years to write a book as a series of letters to him of all the things I have wanted to talk to him about. All the things I want to ask. All the things I need to express to him. All the family experiences he’s missed. I think it will tell a story, a sort of memoir of our lives together, but also show people how to come through grief and live again.

Thursday 3rd August 2023

Dear Steve,

so you are there! Or at least my imagination would have it so.

You shouldn't have left when you did. You shouldn't have left at the very time I needed you most. How could you do that!? How could you leave me after you spent all that energy getting back from Japan for us?

I wasn’t right. I was pushing through, but I wasn’t right! Even thoug I told you I was. I lied to you like I lied to everyone including myself.

Everything flipped from support for me to being told to... well stop crying. Not those closest to me in so many words. People wanted me to be okay so I acted like I was but I was slowly dying inside.

I thought I had to be strong for everyone else. I didn't feel I was allowed to grieve again. It was too much too soon for everyone.  

It was hard on the boys. I couldn't let them watch me disintegrate again. I shut down and suppressed my emotions. It was an unconscious act. Did I tell you this already? You won’t believe what the menopause has done to my brain. It’s not funny so don’t start!

Anyway… I thought I was being strong. I thought that being strong was knuckling down and getting on with things. At least it looked that way on the outside I think.  

I got interviewed by the local press several times. They wanted to know my opinions on road policy, the court verdict etc.

One journalist asked me if I was sorted. He said I sounded like I was but he couldn’t quite believe it because of what we had been through. I said I was, beaming inside at the recognition. I thought I was. I really believed it. But I was in my head and ignoring my body, so it was numb and heavy and at the same time screaming at me in a way. I just didn’t know how to listen to it. I didn’t realise what was happening.

I shut down more. I know so much now. Body chemistry is affected by emotions and emotions not allowed to move through us, persistently affect body chemistry. The body keeps trying to rebalance and to find flow but our minds get in the way of us allowing that. Our egos are narcissists always thinking they know best whilst destroying us. I think my ego is more afraid of dying than I am afraid of physically dying.

Why am I telling you this? Do you even care out there where you are now?

I suppose I am reminding myself. Re-remembering what I've learned. Reinforcing it.

The thing is our teacher, you know the one I mean, he was a very clever man and a good teacher but he was cut off from his own emotions.

Teaching us to 'manage' emotions just became another way for me to suppress them. Which was the very opposite of what I needed to do, of what we all need to do!

E- motions need to move and be expressed. And they need to be expressed safely. Especially anger. Especially sadness. We need safe places to do this and we need safe people around us to be able to do it without judgement.

But people don't know what to do or say when you're grieving. 'That's ok,' I say, 'just say that - I don't know what to say- or is there anything I can do to help?'

To be honest there is NOTHING anyone can do in those first excruciating months except be there for you.

Of course, you often don't know what you need or even want when you're grieving. Except of course that you want your loved one back which is impossible. Then the anger comes and if not expressed it eats you up. A simmering volcanoe. It pops out unexpectedly sometimes over the littlest things, hurting the people that love you most and are still there for you, doing their best but just as lost with it all as you are. They don't want to see you upset. They don't want to see you hurting. So you try to hide it from them. Try to get on. Try to keep functioning even though you just want to lie down and cry or sometimes die yourself. It's all normal. These feelings. These thoughts.

I know that now. I knew it then but I couldn’t allow it. Couldn't fully embody the knowing. I am still learning.

I told mum I was writing to you. I told her I was publishing these letters. She says she still thinks of you up there at the bar with Luke and others who’ve passed, drinking but now drinking water. Strange. I have no idea why she said water but she thought it was funny.

Some people have told me we had a ‘soul contract’ you and I. I don't even fucking know what that means really. I kind of want to believe it in a way but I think they’re making it up to make meaning out of life and death and trauma, to explain why we’re here and have to suffer. They say that as spirits we made some kind of contract. They say that we would go through these experiences, in our lives, in order to learn the lessons that we need to learn, while we're here in these human bodies. Apparently if we don’t learn the lessons then the person we have the contract with does the terrible thing that wakes us up to the lesson. I had never come across this concept before and I don't know if it's true and I don't fucking care. Because I would rather have you back right here in physical form by my side and not learn the lesson whatever it is!  

What's the point in life to just die?

Thank you for replying.

Though it hurts to read your words I want to feel and mostly I want to feel connected to you again.

Lots of love, hugs and kisses,

Your Sister,
XX Karen XX

PS. I love that you still write hugs with back to front brackets. )))SW(((
We have things called emojis now. They are faces and symbols that represent emotions. Of course we know Granny invented them really. Remember how she would draw faces amongst her writing?

MEDICAL DISCLAIMER

The techniques and processes presented on this website are for your information only, they are not a substitute for appropriate professional medical, or mental health, advice and care. Results cannot be guaranteed.

Steve was my best friend as well as my brother and losing him is the the most painful experience I have ever gone through in my life.

This is a series of letters to him from me and my imagined replies from him. A way of connecting with him. All the things I want to ask. All the family experiences he’s missed. A sort of story/memoir of our lives together and the grace and grit of grief.

From somewhere in the ether

                                                                                            Any time in space


Dear ))) Sis, (((

I am here and you know I am here and always have been. I know it doesn’t feel the same but you know we will never be parted.

I watch and I listen. I see it all. Your struggles. Your successes.

I have been waiting for you to get around to this. Maybe then you will begin to believe that I am still right here by your side.

Look how far you have come. What you have learned. How strong you have been. How resilient.

You say the world has changed and while I know what you mean, I wonder if it really has or if humanity goes around and around in cycles of its own making? The world from here looks much the same as it ever did.

Of course, I don’t mind you sharing. Express what you must. Be yourself. There’s work to be done that only you can do. Messages that only you can deliver in your own captivating way. But remember to do it for you. Do it to heal, to increase your strength, to be fully expressed.

And I? I will continue to be inspired and humoured by you as I always am.

I told you before, when the death of my body occurred and you were still open to communicating with me, you wouldn’t worry if you knew what it was like here. How free it is.

I know about Ashley. He’s fine really. He’s going to be fine, no matter what happens. You are going to be fine. Even death is fine. We have no control over it anyway so why worry? It comes when it comes…

I think your values of True Self and Expression were always your values to be honest. I just don’t think you were ready to admit it or couldn’t articulate it before. Perhaps you were still trying too much to be what others wanted you to be?

Yes, I hear you in the woods and I know you’re scared of someone hearing you and thinking you’re batty! Hah!

I hear you everywhere. I hear your thoughts. I know your deepest fears. I know your greatest challenges and your greatest gifts.

I know you.

Like you knew me.

With Love
Always

Your Brother
))) Stephen (((
XxXxX

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PS. Steve mentions about my Values in this letter which I expressed and laid out to him in my first letter.

Values are simply the things that are important to us but they are not necessarily obvious or conscious without doing a little exploration. We can be living our lives completely out of whack with our actual values if we’re not aware of them and this causes stress on our systems.

My Top Values (at the moment, because they can and do change over time) are:

1. Self Expression

2. Authenticity

3. Family

4. Nature

5. Freedom

This is an exercise I used to take my clients through that used to take 3 or 4 hours to complete but you can now do it using this tool, from Dr Demartini, in about 20 minutes.

Your Values are the foundation from which you can live an authentic life.

Knowing your Values helps you to live a life more in alignment.

Refer to them on a regular basis to check in with yourself.

So go and do this simple exercise HERE now to find out what your Values are then meet me in the comments to share.

If you get stuck, let me know. You can always ask for help. That’s what I’m here for. ;o)

Subscribe now

With Love
From My True Self to Yours
Karen xx

MEDICAL DISCLAIMER

Any information or guidance we provide is not a substitute for the consultation, diagnosis, and/or medical treatment of your doctor or healthcare provider.

You must not rely on any information or guidance we provide you with as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or healthcare provider and we expressly disclaim all responsibility, and shall have no liability, for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffered by you or any third party as a result of your reliance on any information or guidance we provide you with.

Steve was my best friend and losing him is the the most painful experience I have ever gone through in my life.

It has been my intention for some years to write a book as a series of letters to him of all the things I have wanted to talk to him about. All the things I want to ask. All the family experiences he’s missed. I think it will tell a story, a sort of memoir of our lives together, but also show people how to come through grief and live again.

Thursday 13th July 2023

Dear Steve,

where are you?

I thought you, above all others, would have let me know if there were an afterlife. I thought you would have given me evidence.

I miss you so much. It’s been fifteen years but I still have so much to tell you and ask you. For the first year or so after you left us, things would happen and my immediate thought would be, I must tell Steve. Until it became, I must… and then I… because I would realise even before I got to say your name in my head that you’re not here any more. It would hit me in the chest. I didn’t want to make a fuss so I just let it sit there and ignored it. That watery feeling of loss that ripples up into my throat and eyes like a petulant river.

When you left us it was worse than losing a limb. I felt like I had completely lost my heart. I closed myself in on myself to survive. To function. To be there for Ollie and Jasper. They’re young men now. Ollie said, ‘not again,’ when we told him. He grasped straight away the enormity of losing another family member only eight months after we lost his brother Luke.

You were so kind to come back from Japan to support us. I am grateful for that. Grateful that we had you in our lives for that eight months. Speaking to you almost every day. It really helped me. Mum thinks you might not have died though if you hadn’t come back. Blames the driver that caused Luke’s death for bringing you here. Who knows? Maybe it is fate. Maybe we are destined to die at a certain time and that’s that, whatever we do.

None of us knows what’s around the corner.

I still long to see your sapphire eyes and cheeky grin, feel the support of your bike leathers as we hug each other and say goodbye, the smell of the road.

So much has changed in the world. You wouldn’t believe half of it. Or maybe you would. But phones are now mini computers. People have them in their pockets, and bedrooms, use them as alarm clocks, let people have access to themselves 24 hours a day! They literally never switch off! I remember you saying you found mobile phones made you too accessible and that was when we could only call or text from them.

I have no idea if you are going to receive this. I am feeling slightly mad even contemplating sending it. I doubt you would think me mad. You would think that doing something mad and daring and well… honest was just what everyone should be doing. Not pleasing the crowd.

Steve, how can I reach you? How can I know you’re still here like you promised me you always would be, by my side? I want to hear your words so much. I want to feel your acceptance. Your unconditional love.

Perhaps I am going mad. Perhaps I shouldn’t do this. Perhaps I shouldn’t be sharing it either. Would you mind? Would you mind me sharing my thoughts to the world? To strangers? Would you mind me sharing our stories? Our history?

I had tingles you know thinking about doing this. It was an idea I had years ago to write a book of letters to you. To explore what that would feel like. I didn’t start it though. Too afraid of failing. Too afraid of being vulnerable. Too much work. But it kept coming back, this idea. So here I am.

Did I ever tell you that the only ‘A’ I got in English at school was for writing letters. It was after I read a book that was written purely with letters telling the story of a woman’s life and that of her family. It was called A Woman of Independent Means but I forget the author. I have always been useless at remembering authors names. Funny that because that’s exactly what I need to be, an independent woman. Ashley is heading into his Autumn years. He has a really bad back with a prolapsed disc. Could you imagine such a fit and healthy man such as him furniture walking and barely able to sit?

Things are changing. And I have nothing to show for years of hard work. Years of supporting him in his business. I should have put money aside for me to live on in case… But I didn’t. It’s okay. We’ll work it out. I’m not scared any more. I have been through a lot worse.

But I don’t think I could do a job now. I mean I have supported him and run a home. The three boys are all here now. Jasper hasn’t left yet. Just finishing his Open University Degree in Cyber Security. You may well ask what that is! But things have changed so much since you left… He wants to be a professional hacker!

The other two came back. Jake’s travelled a lot. You would be proud of him. It took a while for him to comethrough the trauma of losing his brother and sort his head out but he’s come full circle and back more to my way of thinking.

Ollie wants to be a Politician but burned himself out working through Covid. Of course you won’t know what that is either.

I wish I could talk to you. Explain. It would be much quicker if we could just have a conversation. Life has changed.

Can you hear me? Are you here watching over my shoulder as I type? Are you right by my side like you promised you always would be when you went to Japan?

I’m listening to the tingles now. Other people get them when I tell them my idea. How I am going to write to you and send it out into the universe via the internet and see what happens. Internet is huge now. People rarely get off it. Everything seems to depend on it. Everything getting automated and virtual. Even combine harvesters can be run by computers. No people needed! It makes me wonder if people wil be needed in the future at all. Certainly it looks like there won’t be many jobs left for people.

I’ve had to do a lot of work on myself. Spent thousands sorting out my shit! But it’s time. It’s time to be me. To be a fully expressed me! I’m sure you would agree if you were here. You always wondered why I didn’t just get on and do what I loved. Well I’m doing it now, fully embracing myself warts and all! Ha ha…

There’s a super cool tool on this guys website that I found to work out your Values in life. Remember doing those on the NLP course and it taking hours? This takes about twenty minutes/half an hour and BOOM! You get a pie chart to print out.

Guess what mine are now? They’ve changed quite a lot.

1. Authenticity. I call this True Self. I kept hearing and seeing those words the last few years. Now I am writing a blog about it. I have been shedding old layers and identity as I become more myself. It’s not always pleasant for those around me adjusting to a more assertive, more knowing more boundaried version of Karen though! Ha ha…

2. Expression! Yes I believe everyone deserves to be fully expressed, whatever that means to them. I am painting again. Haven’t done that since school. And I F**king LOVE it! Well love colour. Most of it’s a mess. But it makes me feel so good.

   Yes and I swear more now. That feels good too. To be more expressive. I start to talk and it just pops out, when I am not editing myself to please others. I blame Jake. He’s working on site doing ground works and the language there is pretty… well laddish! I’m sure you can imagine.

3. Family - of course. They will never be far away from my heart. But this also includes friends now too. And Carmen is back!

   I’ve noticed over the years I made friends with people who really weren’t like me for various reasons. Friends who were loud, pushy and seemed confident. I think I thought I could get a leg up somehow from them, like they knew more than me. But really they were often people who were insecure in themselves but hid it behind a wall of pretend confidence. I mistook that for them being themselves. I think they actually wanted something from me. Used me maybe. That doesn’t happen any more. I now have friends just like me, ordinary, caring and kind, who just want to hang out and have some fun.

4. Nature - still can’t get enough walks and elements! The smell of the earth. The wind in my hair. Sun on my skin. Mmm… I was walking my neighbours dogs but they have got a bit fat and slow. I thought for years I would have another dog myself but I know I don’t want the responsibilty of looking after anything else. We have cats which are much easier. I still walk in the woods for hours several times a week. Still talk to you there. Do you hear me?

5. Freedom :-) I am getting more and more a sense of what this means for me. I think the Gold is in the Emotions. That if we as humans can feel all the feels without attachment that is pure joy. The Ups AND the Downs… Why didn’t they teach us this stuff in school? Why did I have to wait decades to learn it and even longer to EMBODY it! Still a work in progress. ;-)
   
   Steve, please let me know you’re alright. Please connect with me if you can. I know you’re not of this world any more. But I love you and miss you.
   
   
   Lots of love, hugs and kisses,

   Your Ever Loving Sister,
   XX Karen XX
   
   

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