If you prefer to listen, the link is at the top of the page.

Hello Lovely You,

last time I wrote to you about Embodying Your True Essence, Your True Self.

I was in the process of learning how to do that for myself. And what a mission that has been as my Mind (aka Ego!) has twisted and turned and made excuses for keeping my Soul in check. You know, she would rather we (Mind, Body, Soul) die than give up control of us!

I have had to become super aware and catch her (me) in the process of sabotaging everything I want to create in my life. Everything I want to be.

To avoid confusion...
To me Soul, Essence, True Self and the Heart are all the same thing.
Mind, Ego, Personality, all the same thing.

My Mind took me back down the road of being a nurse. I haven’t been a nurse for twenty-four years! But it would be easy. There’s a local college doing the return to nursing course. I looked it up. I spoke to them. I said in my head, fuck no! I’m not doing that! But I knew all along I didn’t really want to do that. It was an ‘ought’ dressed up in a nurses uniform, a status symbol, recognition and a regular salary. I (My Mind) was looking for security but my body had a massive NO to the hoops I would have to jump through to become part of the broken, stressed out, over-stretched National Health Service in the UK.

It’s done now. Done, done in fact. I don’t need to use up energy thinking about that anymore. It took me a few weeks to work that one through and I knew the truth of it it before I even had the conversation with the tutor, but I didn’t Trust myself enough.

At the same time I was exploring Art College. I didn’t have the confidence for it when I was a teenager. Didn’t think I could make a living from it as if that were its only purpose. Didn’t think I would fit in.

But now…

Was I too old? Could I get a Student Loan? What course would most suit me? Could I study part time?

After all this was answered, I applied, got an interview and got accepted to study a Fine Art Degree in the course of a week! It wasn’t hard. There were no obstacles, real or imagined. They were welcoming, interested, gave me pointers. There was no particular thinking involved. It all flowed… I Trusted.

Following my heart has led me to the place I always longed to be. It’s nourishing. It’s not even exciting. It just is. A deep, calm knowing took over me and I said yes!

Amongst the young students at the open day I could hardly contain myself. I wanted to ask questions. To stay in the library and smell the books as if I could absorb all the information I had been missing all these years in one sitting.

My current True Self, thinks she’s an artist. She’s always been secretly envious of artists, creatives and writers. She’s dabbled over the years but never been able to immerse herself in the world of art. The kind of unconscious thoughts roaming around her head have been: that won’t pay the bills; you’re not good enough to make a career out of it; it would be a waste of time, there are too many important things to do and other people to support.

I will fit into art college even less now than I would have as a youngster. The young people are not going to want a woman old enough to be their granny sitting next to them. But conversations with them, I am looking forward to almost as much as doing the course.

What is Your True Self?

I have come to understand and know for sure that The True Self, the state in which we came into this life, is the state we are trying to get back to. Our Essence.

Our True Self is connected to the Universe, quantum field, god, light, energy, spark of life, life force or whatever you want to call it..

Through our experiences, and more interestingly, our Perception of those experiences that we’ve been through, we have been conditioned (and then conditioned ourselves) into separating from our True Self.

Our True Self is what some call the Soul. Some call it Essence. Some call it God. Some call it Creation. Others call it Source, your Core Sense, Spirit, Life Force and on and on. I often refer to it as your Essence.

It’s that part that lights up in you when you know you’re on the right path.

It’s every cell in your body waking up.

It’s when you feel your heart sings.

It’s a deep knowing. A reverence for life.

It’s feeling in flow and a place of acceptance whatever is happening in life.

It’s an inner smile.

It is about Being not Doing.

It transcends and includes all aspects of our human self.

It makes mistakes, upsets people sometimes, disappoints people (maybe often) and still surrenders to what it means to be human.

It’s not interested in bullshit, excuses, shoulds, oughts or have tos.

It both observes and partakes of life.

It is the spark, the light that wants to be expressed through our human form.

It means being fully alive and feeling and accepting all emotions. The ups and downs of life.

The you that wants to be fully expressed in this world.

The you that has come here to remember who you are.

A spiritual being having a human experience.

It accepts human mistakes and moves on. It does not try to control or manipulate others but has firm boundaries around what and who it is available for.

And we forget. We forget, we forget. We have this amnesia about it and we become separated. We think we are separate from our Essence. It’s something over there to be thought about only when we have time or are desperate. So that we encourage, establish and reinforce a (false) sense of having some control over our lives. A sense of security.

Some may call it our Personality. You hear people saying, I can’t help how I am, and it’s because of this person, or this experience or whatever. So constantly looking outwards for solutions, for happiness, for satisfaction, for contentment and of course mostly Safety. To feel secure.

We put off our desires into the future when we; have time; the kids have grown up, we’ve saved enough money; the morgage is paid off and on and on…

But the love, the recognition, the joy is already inside.

Finding a sense of safety and security is an inside job.

And Essence is always there. Watching. Listening. Patient. Loving.

When we reconnect with our Essence, we find it’s been there all along.

We find joy.

We are love. We are magnificent. We have more clarity. Decisions become easier. Life flows. We find ourselves having belly laughs with loved ones and leaving the washing up until tomorrow.

How Being Connected to Your Essence Feels

It’s how it feels when you first fall in love. You think you’re in love with another person when in fact you fall in love with the person you become in their presence. With how it feels. You love how that feels and you want to hold on to it not knowing you could have that state all of the time.

And we are angry and we are dissatisfied and tired and frustrated, and sad and Human. Yes we are Human! We are all of these human things too.

How do we Honour Our True Selves?

To Honour your True Self means rediscovering and recovering our sense of your Essence and following through on its desires. The one that’s been patiently whispering to us all along. This way. This lights you up. No you don’t really like that. That person makes you feel yuck. You prefer; to be inside, outside, with people, away from people, things to people, moving, being still, maths and mechanics, art and creativity, the peace of the countryside or the energy of the city. None of them are right or wrong.

There is no right or wrong when you are Connected to your Essence.

Now it’s not easy to listen, truly listen, after years of ignoring our Spirit, because the mind, the ego, the personality is very, very powerful. Well it thinks it is but in fact it’s manipulative. It is our Self Will. We give it a lot of power, and it will have been collecting evidence over many years, and for most of us decades, that our point of view is correct. I have evidence. This didn’t work. I got my ass kicked for that. They don’t like me because of that. I have to be this way to be liked, loved, accepted. All lies. But familiar. Predictable. Safe.

The Mind Predicts based on the past. It creates what the future will look like and all the time in our imaginations we are creating our futures. Most of us do this unconsciously and create the same or similar scenarios over and over again. The Mind does this in an attempt to protect us. To keep us safe. It’s quite primitive.

It’s like a feedback loop that keeps recreating itself. It’s plugged in and can’t be something else. A wire that charges a laptop that can’t be a wire that charges your phone because the Connection doesn’t fit.

But then you discover you need to be plugged into your Essence AND your Mind. Your phone and your laptop. You buy a multi-lead Connector and you can charge both at the same time. Remembering that Essence leads because it knows what you’re here to Express. And the Mind is here to follow. To be the servant. To come up with ideas. Take action. Follow your Soul.

Together with the Body, your Soul and Mind are a very powerful Team.

But you mustn’t let the Mind (Ego) lead if you are to have a satisfying, fully expressed life.

Oh no.

When we reConnect with our True Self, we find ourselves in a state of Freedom and Flow, no matter what’s going on in our lives. No matter what’s been thrown at us?

You could fart in a room full of people and know you’re not going to die when fully Connected to your Essence!

It’s just a fart. Life happens!

When we’re truly connected with our Essence and triggers occur, we’re able to:

recognise what’s going on;

take a step back;

mind the gap between what’s happening and our response;

notice whether the trigger is external (coming from someone else) or an internal thought (that might be outdated);

check in with how we want to respond or not respond;

and Choose the response from a more empowered state. A Connected state.

Putting ourselves in a place of choice puts us in a place of Freedom.

The Choices we Make

I kept coming back to dabbling in art and writing over my entire life. How I love to go and see art. How I love to listen to people talking about it. How I’m envious of creatives, artists, writers. How I love to express myself through words. How I LOVE colour. How I keep stashes of art materials, fabrics and yarns for one day when I have time.

During the interview for the art college, I found myself saying I wanted to also contribute to the college. I had thoughts on how I might do that. My Ego thought that would impress them. I don’t think the Tutor was particularly interested and, in that moment, I knew that this had to be for me. That, having spent my whole entire life, putting the needs of others before my own, I have to do this just for me, just because this is what I want to do. To see how far I can go with it. Where it will take me. Where my talents lie. What I love. What I don’t.

Are there any skills that I can really become absorbed in? Immersed in? Intoxicated by so much that I cannot help but do them?

And because it’s time to play! It’s my time. Being, most likely, two thirds through my life, this time is for me.

What are you Committed to?

I also discovered recently that I was still not just committed to putting everybody else first, I was also committed to that old personality, to my ego, to the f*****g know-it-all.

My Ego is a know-it-all.

She says, I knew that or I know that a lot.

Yes, I had a lot of wisdom. Yes I knew a lot of stuff. Yes, I spouted it out and said all the right things eloquently, but BUT….

I hadn’t yet Embodied, what it means to be truly Connected. To be truly Connected to My spirit. My soul, my Essence, my Core Sense of myself,

AND LIVING FROM THERE!

Commitment is not about what you want to do, how much money you want to make, how things look to other people, your career, how many cars you’ve got, how big your house is or even how successful you are.

True success feels free and Satisfying. It’s Nourishing and Peaceful. It’s accepting and boundaried.

It’s the Commitment to your Soul. To your Heart. To who you’re meant to be in the world. And we can only find that out, you can only find that out, by deep listening, by practicing, by acknowledging it, feeling it, expressing it, allowing it to move through you and then every single day reconnecting with your Essence. Reconnecting with your True self and taking action from there.

And Being from that place. Not doing but Being first. From a state of grace. From a state of regulation. From a state of pure intuition.

To be aligned means to live from your Essence, from the Soul you came in as. To honour that. To honour that from your state to your thoughts and actions.

It’s BRAVE INTUITIVE LIVING!

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MEDICAL DISCLAIMER

Any information or guidance we provide is not a substitute for the consultation, diagnosis, and/or medical treatment of your doctor or healthcare provider.

You must not rely on any information or guidance we provide you with as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or healthcare provider and we expressly disclaim all responsibility, and shall have no liability, for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffered by you or any third party as a result of your reliance on any information or guidance we provide you with.

Dear Cherished Reader,

with all the ways media tries to capture our attention, I don’t take your time here lightly. I feel blessed that you allow me to land in your inbox and that you find something within my words that somehow resonates (even if you don’t know how).

The last eighteen months, as several of my loved ones have been going through some pretty gruelling treatment for cancer, I have come to know myself more deeply than ever.

True to my old personality and to honour their wish for privacy, admittedly for some months, I thought I could do it all on my own.

Until I sought out support and the help of a very intuitive and perceptive coach, I could deceive myself into thinking I was doing the best I could. That I could Cope.

This left me in survival mode once again. I found that, whilst I spouted wise words to others, I had yet to truly Embody that wisdom deep within myself. In fact, I didn’t know what it meant to Embody the wisdom I knew intellectually and I was still, at heart, living the life of a victim.

I don’t now say this with any sense of shame or guilt but a deep reverence for the me I’ve thought I had to be for myself.

The me that thought she had to be a particular way to survive.

My Dear Dear Ego.

Good News and Confusion

A few weeks ago we had some very good news. My closest poorly Loved One is in remission from stage 4 cancer. The treatment itself has left them with two chronic illnesses and severe fatigue and weakness but those things can be managed.

I was simultaneously relieved and confused.

To protect myself, I had quietly planned for his demise. I thought I needed a coping strategy but, in fact, it was a protection mechanism but not at all healthy. My Ego was still holding on to being right and that made her a victim.

Admitting this to myself has been a revelation and is freeing me to change that old unhealthy pattern.

Wiping the Slate Clean

This year then is all about change. My husband has decided to retire and we are to move from the countryside to a small market town.

Simplifying and making our lives more easeful has meant letting go of a lot of our identities as well as a lot of stuff!

We have already found a new home we love but have yet to sell the house we have called home for the last twenty-eight years. A place that looks out onto the Black Mountains and allows easy access to walks and woodlands. A home and garden we have raised six children in. A place we blended our families together and created our own. Where there have been fraught times, disagreements and sad times but more than anything Love, laughter, fun and support.

I am blessed to be surrounded by children and step children who care. Children who love and respect me, even if they don’t always agree with mum’s choices or views on life. Adult children I am filled with love and pride for.

I have also had the love, support and good humour of extended family and friends.

Now it’s time for a fresh start.

What it means to EMBODY Our True Selves, Our True Essence

My Ego has served me well. She has striven to protect me. She’s stubborn, determined and exhausted. And I’m asking her now, with you as witness, to channel that energy into Being Essence.

Into living through her Essence.

Exploring what Expressing her Essence in the world actually looks, sounds and feels like.

I am considering ways in which I might work as a Coach again.

I am Creating a new Future in the Now.

Less control. More Allowing.

Less fear. More Trust.

Less pushing. More Patience.

Less paralysis. More Movement.

Less judgement. More Acceptance.

Less seriousness. More Playfulness.

Sometimes it looks like resting. Sometimes it looks incredibly industrious. Sometimes it looks like chaos!

But mostly it is in Flow.

Honouring that Essence Energy and allowing it the space to be expressed through our human Bodies on planet earth.

Never mind what’s going on in the world.

Change happens from the Inside out.

Ceasing the battles within ourselves we become our True Selves. We become who we are meant to Be.

Yes, it’s confusing. Yes, it often doesn’t make sense. Yes, it may go against the grain. But it is the way to grow and evolve and feel happier, freer and in flow.

Cultivating more fun, curiosity and playfulness our Spirits sour.

Souring Spirits are free to Choose.

And to choose we must have a Vision.

My Vision is one of Health, Community, Collaborations, Vibrancy, Vitality, Nourishing Conversations, and plenty of Belly Laughs. Of travel, good food, creative lives. It’s Bountiful friendships and clients ready to fly.

I don’t know the ‘how’ of it.

That’s none of my business.

But continuing to connect to my Essence is freeing up space just like the
de-cluttering of my house.

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MEDICAL DISCLAIMER

Any information or guidance we provide is not a substitute for the consultation, diagnosis, and/or medical treatment of your doctor or healthcare provider.

You must not rely on any information or guidance we provide you with as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or healthcare provider and we expressly disclaim all responsibility, and shall have no liability, for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffered by you or any third party as a result of your reliance on any information or guidance we provide you with.

Dear Lovely You 🥰

This year, I’ve spent more hours in hospital waiting rooms, phoning secretaries, nurses and imaging departments than I care to count.

And I’m still here! 😆

The year began with me feeling robust, strong and determined to do the best I could for my loved ones.

They have been brave and stoic in spite of the cancer treatments wrecking their health, slowing them down and stripping them of their previously vibrant identity. Fatigue is a constant reminder that, although the treatment (we are told) is working, there’s a price to pay. It’s taken it’s toll on us all. Those going through it making difficult decisions. Those of us supporting and watching the demise of our dear ones. It’s hard for us all.

By the summer my body was telling me in no uncertain terms that the added stress was getting too much. I stepped back and stopped pushing. I was making myself ill and I can’t afford to be ill! This meant letting go of making results come faster, pushing my loved one to get more help than they were willing to expose themselves to and writing up a detailed list of progress before every appointment in case we forgot something!

It also meant delegating where I could, talking openly about how I was feeling and confiding in trusted friends and family. I let myself cry and I let myself be witnessed and held.

Sometimes there are challenging life circumstances that need to be dealt with. And we can choose how to deal with them. The problem is it triggers the fight/flight nervous system in our bodies and the associated old habits of survival.

Bringing awareness to this fact can help to re-empower us again, to soothe our frightened Egos and make better, healthier choices.

The most powerful three words I learned this year

When we found an important diagnosis (causing significant symptoms not associated with the cancer or its treatment) had been missed since June 2024 though, I was furious! I followed it up quickly with assertiveness and then, just as quickly, let it go.

Still my body didn’t feel right. Fatigue had kicked in big time, my chest felt like it was being stood on and my head squeezed and both were being filled with black treacle. My mind struggled to think, make decisions or recall words or remember what I was about to do next!

I paused. I stopped. I observed. I wondered about my blood pressure. Really low! This has happened before. What can I do? I researched. I increased salt, reintroduced black tea and liquorice tea and booked an appointment with my doctor just to be on the safe side.

I realised it must be stress related. Again! But there’s no way of escaping the situation so I need to adjust my perceptions of the situation if I am to reduce my stress levels and the consequences of living in a stressed body.

At first it seemed impossible to be able to change anything in my life. But much of the stress, I knew, was my mind whirling and constantly being on alert. It was fear of the what the future holds.

And none of these current circumstances is in my control.

I don’t know what’s going to happen.

I don’t know.

I don’t know if they’ll live or die or recover from the treatment.

I don’t even know if I will live or die over the next year, month, week, day...

But I do know I feel better when I am truly living rather than dwelling on all the uncertainty (or rather my imagined scenarios) about what’s going to play out.

I simply don’t know.

People make miraculous recoveries and that’s just as possible as not making a recovery.

But how much more can I take?

I don’t know.

The magical three words,

I don’t know,

has become my mantra.

If I could buy you all a gift this year it would be this book by Nicola Jane Hobbs: The Relaxed Woman: Reclaim Rest and Live a Relaxed Joy-Filled Life

In it, Nicola blends much of the knowledge, skills and techniques I have learned over my coaching career into easy to digest chapters. Bringing insights, questions and tools into our awareness gently and kindly she instills relaxation. I am listening to the audio version and find her voice soothing.

I don’t know

The gift of, ‘I don’t know,’ is PEACE.

Stopping the relentless imaginings of many negative outcomes brings me to, I don’t know.

And that’s the truth. I don’t know what’s going to happen!

Knowing I don’t know, releases me from the anxiety of what’s going to happen and the guilt and shame of what’s gone before.

It stops my past from informing my future and drops me into the here and now. A space of ‘ahh…’

My head feels more spacious and free.

I can ignore it and keep worrying and pushing through or I can pause here and discover a new way of being.

As I come full circle, I notice how, ealier in the year, sat in the hospital Emergency room, I wanted to contract. I didn’t want to be there. It felt unhealthy. I felt like a failure. I was angry and frustrated by the system that kept poorly people waiting for hours on end to find out if their symptoms were worthy of emergency treatment or a false alarm. The hours of waiting, taking their toll, and making us all feel even worse. I didn’t speak to anyone but gradually began to lose the will to live.

This week back in the Emergency department, I still didn’t want to be there and I still think it’s one of the most unhealthy places on the planet in all ways, but I changed my perspective.

I cheekily asked a nurse pushing a wheelchair if she needed L plates. She giggled and told me it was a bit late for that and it lightened the atmosphere a little.

I struck up conversations with people around me. I learned about why they were there and what they were going though.

I met a woman in similar circumstances to me and we felt a true connection. We had a bit of a moan and we had a bit of a laugh.

We talked about the state of the health service in the UK. I learned from one of the nurses that the reason people get stuck in the Emergency room so long is a lack of beds so there’s no flow through. Ah yes, the wonderful private finance initiative where our town got its new hospital but at the cost of losing over 200 beds. The finance initiative, after all, has share holders to keep happy. Grrr….

A change in perception

I felt better. Lighter. More expansive.

I was enjoying the company of my fellow compatriots. I watched people give up waiting and go home having been told they were going against medical advice. I have also done that.

I heard people saying, ‘never again!’ as they escaped.

I watched people asking for food as they hadn’t eaten for many hours and were afraid of losing their place in the queue. I offered one some of my cashew nuts. I always go prepared for long waits.

I felt compassion for the doctors and nurses stuck in a toxic, unrelenting and inflexible system.

I just wanted to help people (including myself) feel better.

I left the hospital having been told I had not had a heart attack this time but I should return if I had chest pain again or any of the other symptoms of a heart attack.

F*** that! I won’t be rushing back unless I’m really desperate! 🤣

Relieved I got home after midnight, made a hot water bottle and slept.

There’s nothing wrong. All the tests were negative.

Relax.

Stop obsessing.

Let it be.

Whatever you have going on in your life, there is often a lighter way of experiencing it. It’s not easy and takes awareness and practice but it is worth it and brings more calm, lightness and acceptance to yourself and those around you.

we will have a house full with the kids and their girlfriend, boyfriend coming and going.

Whatever you have planned this holiday I am wishing you (inner) peace, fun and relaxation.

A problem shared is a problem halved.
Life isn’t always easy but a change in perspective can make all the difference to reducing stress, lightening the load and creating more comfort and ease.

Share your truth in the private chat.
It’s a safe space to find community and for us to support each other.

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MEDICAL DISCLAIMER

Any information or guidance we provide is not a substitute for the consultation, diagnosis, and/or medical treatment of your doctor or healthcare provider.

You must not rely on any information or guidance we provide you with as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or healthcare provider and we expressly disclaim all responsibility, and shall have no liability, for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffered by you or any third party as a result of your reliance on any information or guidance we provide you with.

PS. Meet me in the comments…

MEDICAL DISCLAIMER

Any information or guidance we provide is not a substitute for the consultation, diagnosis, and/or medical treatment of your doctor or healthcare provider.

You must not rely on any information or guidance we provide you with as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or healthcare provider and we expressly disclaim all responsibility, and shall have no liability, for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffered by you or any third party as a result of your reliance on any information or guidance we provide you with.

Dear Lovely You,

when I first found out about my loved ones being diagnosed with cancer I rapidly fell into old patterns.

I felt anxious and in a panic to get tests done, results heard, treatment options discussed.

My Mind whirled through all possible scenarios even before the official diagnosis.

And landed on the ‘worst case scenario’ which it played out in my mind over and over again.

I thought it was clever.

I thought it was a protection mechanism.

I thought it would keep me/us safe.

And I was, of course, trying to control the outcome.

My Mind reasoned, if I know the worst case scenario, I can work out how to handle it.

If I can handle a worst case scenario, I can handle anything less or in between.

In reality, this only served to fuel anxiety, creating a soup of stress hormones in my system causing inflammation and pain in my Body.

I began to feel exhausted again.

My breath shortened. My body contracted. My solar plexus filled with heat. The quality of my sleep reduced.

I pushed through. It’s all very well when life is ‘normal’ muddling along but this felt urgent and like it needed more grit. More determination.

More force.

A force I needed to ensure my loved ones got the tests, had the treatment options discussed and the treatment they needed.

It was my best attempt to Protect and Preserve them.

That’s what the Mind does, tries to Protects and Preserve. That’s what it thinks its job is and it does this based on past evidence of things going wrong.

I was back to worrying about everything.

All the things that needed doing. All the people that needed my attention. All the admin and extra admin from dealing with different medical departments.

And still keeping all the usual things running. Work, cooking, cleaning, shopping for food, the garden and keeping up with loved ones.

As well as joining forums rich with information to arm myself. Talking to nurses within charities for expert guidance.

Filling my mind and feeding my mind.

Giving it more evidence that I needed to stay in a state of stress, panic and fear.

Feeding anxiety and making me feel even more alone.

But worrying didn’t change anything except sometimes to speed up the pace at which we received information.

It didn’t change the tests, diagnosis, potential prognosis or treatment.

It didn’t change the fact that hospital departments are very poor at communicating with each other or that doctors specialising in different areas of the body seem incapable of seeing the Body (and Mind) as a whole.

And it didn’t make us feel any better.

In fact, worrying didn’t help at all.

It didn’t mean I cared any more than anyone else.

It didn’t mean I was going to change anything.

It didn’t mean I could control the outcome.

But it did mean I was starting to wreck myself again.

That my stress-soaked Body had to work even harder to rebalance.

That loved ones themselves began to worry about me.

And started asking me to take care of myself (while my Mind screamed, ‘how?!' and thought later).

And they asked me to let things go a little (while my Mind and Body held on tight and pushed through).

And my True Self observed and waited patiently in the sidelines.

I was being driven by old habits and Constraints that had been running my whole life.

Things I thought I had overcome and resolved.

I was aware of them in a way but didn’t understand

a) why these things were still running after all the work I have done on myself

b) why, with all my knowledge and skills, I couldn’t ‘just bloody stop it!!’

c) what I needed to do differently…

…until now.

In the next few weeks I’ll talk about what I now know and how I am shifting my perception to free myself from these Constraints so I can move forward in a healthier, easier and freer way.

I’ll explain what drives unhealthy behaviour and habits.

I’ll tell you about conversations I’ve had with my Ego Identity (aka Mind). Sometimes funny. Sometimes moving.

And I‘ll show you how my True Self (aka My True Essence) is now getting a look in so I can begin to live with more grace and ease, more patience and less pressure, more trust and less fear.

Come and join me on my sofa while we listen and talk and please feel free to share with your caring friends and family.

Share

MEDICAL DISCLAIMER

Any information or guidance we provide is not a substitute for the consultation, diagnosis, and/or medical treatment of your doctor or healthcare provider.

You must not rely on any information or guidance we provide you with as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or healthcare provider and we expressly disclaim all responsibility, and shall have no liability, for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffered by you or any third party as a result of your reliance on any information or guidance we provide you with.

Dear Lovely You,

thank you for your patience. I really appreciate you still being here. It’s been a long time while I navigate supporting two close family members while they go through treatment for advanced cancer.

Phew!

I am learning so much about myself and the old patterens that I flip back into that no longer serve me.

When we found out last year that they probably had cancer, we walked out of the hospital into the car park. The rose garden that was there when I worked there has long gone. There isn’t even any grass. Instead it’s all modern, efficient and ugly and smelly. They put their arms around me and said I was shaking. I said, ‘you are too,’ as we clung to each other not wanting to believe it.

These days there are protocols to follow and, I found, no-one seems capable of using their own common sense. So it took months of phone calls and pushing for things to happen before scans and biopsies and treatment began.

Driven by a need to protect my loved ones, I did the pushing. I spoke to doctors, nurses, radiology departments and secretaries. I joined up the dots that they seemed incapable of doing. I relayed messages between different teams. I was stressed and exhausted but needed to do the best I could for my dear ones.

I knew it couldn’t go on because I was feeling a lot of anxiety, so I stepped back to consider what I might do for myself.

I started with an hypnosis app and within four days the anxiety I had been experiencing reduced by about ninety percent.

I then began to meditate again and found teachers in podcasts online spouting wisdom that I had forgotten or suppressed because I wanted to be right about having to be the person I was becoming again, pushing, striving and moaning about everything.

It couldn’t go on.

Who have you had to be for yourself?

I have heard this a few times now and it hit me like lightening.

Who have you had to manipulate yourself into being, in order to be accepted and loved?

Who did you decide to be, way back when you were a child and learned that not all of you was acceptable to the adults?

I have had to be a good girl, reliable, dependable, capable, caring, resourceful, a good listener, practical, counsellor, nurse. The one who knows what to say. The one who can deal with difficult situations. Strong, resilient.

And I have felt, in the past, I’ve had to be this for EVERYONE (except myself. Myself had to 'get on with it.' My own needs had to come last).

I was basically overcompensating for feeling like I was a nuisance, a hindrance, a burden and not wanting to be the needy one.

Under it has been a whole lot of resentment in the past. I had a feeling I believed I hurt people. That hurting people just happens by my mere existence since conception. So I had to work extra hard to save or help ALL people and when I fail, it's my fault,
rather than my responsibility.

When I take responsibility, I give from love, from choice and it has a whole different quality to it. A softness. A brilliance. A pleasure.

And when I give from have to, must, should or ought it's hard again. My body hardens. My jaw sets. My thoughts loop around in my head. I barely breathe. My throat tightens. My back eventually hurts with the effort.

It's like ego identity is in a square box hiding in the dark but running the whole show. Tough. Spikey. Unrelenting. Pushing through.

My soul, however, is wrapped in a golden heart and radiant with energy. In flow. Soft. Flexible. Fun and free. Patient. Still whispering to me or screaming through my body. Sit down. Rest. Play. Create. Just do something for fun. Then rest some more.

I'm wondering who else is pondering this question of 'who you've had to be for yourself' and what's occurring for you?


I am so very grateful. Grateful for the awareness I have that is freeing me of these constraints and helping me to support them, while I nurture and nourish myself as much as possible. 🥰

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MEDICAL DISCLAIMER

Any information or guidance we provide is not a substitute for the consultation, diagnosis, and/or medical treatment of your doctor or healthcare provider.

You must not rely on any information or guidance we provide you with as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or healthcare provider and we expressly disclaim all responsibility, and shall have no liability, for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffered by you or any third party as a result of your reliance on any information or guidance we provide you with.

Dear Lovely You,

it’s that time again where, if you haven’t already thought about it, you might be wondering what on earth to get for your loved ones this year.

How has another year passed so quickly!?

If you’re like me, you might be thinking that people have enough stuff already. Most of the people in my life already have what they need and want or the means to get it themselves. But making the effort to show people you care can give a warm glow for the receiver and the giver.

As a child, (or, in the good old days, as my son says) we tended to get what we needed more often than what we wanted. My dad remembers an orange and some walnuts in his stocking. We didn’t have stockings, but I do remember getting hot water bottles, pens, pencils, pencil cases and clothes. We always had a hand knitted jumper from my granny. What a luxury in a home that only had one fire in the living room and no other heating. Most of us take central heating for granted now. How did we get washing dry in the winter!?

I find shopping for things draining. Big shops in particular seem to suck the life out of me, so I try to keep to local market towns and fesitivals where arts, crafts and home-made foods are sold as much as possible.

One of my love languages, is Quality Time. I have three that are all quite close. Most people have one or two. Quality Time for me can mean being on my own or with others. Time in my room being creative, painting a picture, sewing, knitting or writing or flopping on the sofa gazing at the sky or absorbed in a good book. Or going for a meal, to the cinema or theatre, or a walk with others.

Learning about the Five Love Languages changed my relationships with the people closest to me and how I choose to show my love for them. I try to love them in the way that they receive love.

Some of my family certainly do enjoy Receiving Gifts and thankfully they are women who I find easier to buy for. Flowers, scarves, a house plant or something for the garden, scarves, gloves, books, hand made soaps or a magazine subscription work well.

I have discovered my mum loves surprises which might be a gift or a trip out. Quality Time, doing something together or just hanging out, can be as precious, so I took her to the theatre recently to see The Full Monty. After I booked it I wondered what I was thinking, taking my seventy-six year old mother to watch male strippers. She was excited. For me it was about the human story. It took a while to get into it as I hadn’t realised it was the American Version touring the UK. In my mind I had Sheffield accents and… umm (I hate to admit it) Billy Elliot all muddled up in my menopause brain. But we soon settled into the story enjoying ourselves. As it neared the climax, I really didn’t want to see a whole naked man and was relieved that they came up with an ingenious way to avoid the actual Full Monty at the end. What a blast!

It’s also easy to spend Quality Time together without having to spend money. Walks in nature are my favourite.

Another Love Language is Acts of Service. It’s where you do things for others without a need for payment or reciprication. My husband (who does this naturally every single day) and brother are both big Acts of Service givers when it comes to showing their love.

My brother recently repainted a room for us after some replastering and gifted his hours as our Christmas present. It’s something my husband and I much appreciated and it meant something to us that he gave his time in this way. We truly felt cared about. My brother felt satisfied that he had been able to give something within his gift without having to think of presents which does his head in.

It’s a bit trickier though the other way around. What do you do for someone whose Love Language is Acts of Service when you don’t have any services he would want and he doesn’t want any more tat?

Well food of course. Everyone eats, so I go to local delis, wholefood shops or food festivals and buy luxury items of food that I know he wouldn’t normally buy or see and it’s always a big hit with him and his wife.

Children are easier but even they have love languages. I don’t know the children in my extended family well enough to make this call though, so the teenagers get money (what teenager doesn’t want money?) and the little ones will have toys. As an addition I have been videoing myself reading children’s stories which my five year old niece seems to love.

My most loved Love Language is Physical Touch. I adored sitting on the sofa with my niece recently with my arm around her as she read ‘Not Now Bernard’ to me. It reminded my of being a child and a great aunty coming to babysit. We didn’t know her well and as a young woman she had been in service. After she had done my mum’s pile of ironing (Acts of Service) we cosied up on the sofa to watch TV and she put her arms around me and my brothers. It felt so good I didn’t want to move, much like when one of our cats curls up on my lap these days.

Physical Touch can be a difficult prezzy to buy for but vouchers for massage, reflexology and other body workers can often be purchased these days. And remember, of course, hugs, whether with people or pets are good for us and free!

And if you love to write and you have a loved one whose Love Language is Words of Affirmation why not buy some hand made paper and write them a heartfelt letter or poem? But most of all remember to tell them often the things you appreciate and love them for. That way they will feel more loved than if you had spent a stack of money on a gift they didn’t want or need.

However you’re choosing to approach Christmas this year, I hope you are finding ways of making it more of a pleasure than a chore.

You can find out your Love Language HERE and have fun with your loved ones. Knowing your own Love Languages, you can make it easier for each other to know how you’re each going to feel loved by the gifts you choose to share.

What is your Love Language and what would you most love to receive this Christmas?

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MEDICAL DISCLAIMER

Any information or guidance we provide is not a substitute for the consultation, diagnosis, and/or medical treatment of your doctor or healthcare provider.

You must not rely on any information or guidance we provide you with as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or healthcare provider and we expressly disclaim all responsibility, and shall have no liability, for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffered by you or any third party as a result of your reliance on any information or guidance we provide you with.

Dear Lovely You,

there’s a weak shadow of the window frame cast across the sunflower coloured wall of our living room as the sun slides behind the mountains. It’s late afternoon but the sky is still quite light and peppered with a few sparkles where the sun bleaches wisps of cloud.

The first snow of the season landed early and unexpectedly two days ago. It had been a very mild autumn until then. Now the sharp air catches my cheeks when I go out to fill the bird feeders but I am well rewarded when I return indoors to the snuggly warmth of a radiator and watch the sparrows queue up for their feasts.

When it snows around here, things come to a standstill. My initial dismay at seeing the overnight snowfall was quickly replaced by a slowing down and acceptance of what is.

It’s weather.

It’s out of my control.

It means some of the things that were meant to happen today won’t happen today.

Phew… I love it when things get cancelled!

I have time.

I have space.

Just to be.

I have spent the afternoon doing…

nothing at all.

It’s been such a long time since I did this. Months of stress, fear and sadness as loved ones faced serious health issues had led me to keeping myself busy, using up all that adrenaline productively.

But it had to come to an end.

It wasn’t sustainable, especially with the winter months drawing in.

I’ve had to stop.

I have surrendered to the unknown, the incontrollable, to the possibilty of human mortality and found a sense of acceptance at last.

What will be will be.

Driven by my need to protect and shelter my loved ones was not all useless. It fired me on to push the health professionals to do their jobs. Getting appointments made and results sent, so the information needed was there to make important decisions.

Still, I wish I hadn’t had to be that person. The one they don’t like. The one they think is a nuisance. The one that gets talked about in disinfected offices and canteen hubs. I care less about that than I do about my loved ones getting proper care but I do care. I wish I didn’t.

Loved ones are now getting the treatment they need and there is more than a good chance they will all fully recover. The treatment is long and not always without its complications but worth the chance of more life.

Nightmares come and go but there is always a sliver of anticipation of, ‘what next?’ that sits around the edges of my body. It’s been there a lifetime and won’t yet let go completely. I long for the day though, when I can relax like our cat Misty. She’s currently sprawled on the back of the sofa with her legs hanging down the back, totally confident that all is as it should be.

Doing nothing this afternoon was deliberate. I could have gone to bed but I don’t sleep. I watched the end of a film. I gazed out of the window not seeing anything and got hot with our other cat, Marigold, on my lap purring her way to bliss. When she got too hot and moved I dozed off for a few minutes.

I thought about doing things. A bit of sewing. I bit of knitting. Painting a skirting board.

Instead I loaded more logs onto the woodburner. I rolled on the floor feeling my spine spiral and unravel and my joints loosen.

I thought about the pieces of writing I have started and might finish.

Then I sat there some more and still did nothing.

And this is just what I needed.

The last few weeks I have stopped asking:

What do I want? What do I desire? What would that be like? What are my goals? All of which puts my mind into the future, dragging my body with it.

It creates striving, stress and a sense of lack in a body that is already depleted. It creates a sense of lack in a life where I already have enough and am enough.

I forget this often until I remember again.

Usually until I am forced to remember again.

Instead, I have been asking myself each day:

What do I need?

What do I need today?

What do I need this moment?

The question: what do I need, brings me instantly back into the now.

I notice my body and where it aches or feels heavy with tiredness and I know I need more rest.

Or I notice anxiety and instantly want to quell it.

Honouring my needs…

Over and over again I come back to the same answers to, what do I need?

I need to rest.

I need to stop.

I need a chat with a friend.

I need a walk but maybe shorter than usual, not one driven by my ego.

I need simplicity.

I need to rest.

I need to rest.

I need to escape into a book or a film.

I need to rest.

Pause now and ask yourself, what do I need?

Sit with the question for a few days or weeks.

Let it immerse itself in your being and sing to you.

And let me know how you get on.

Click on this link to go to the webpage and

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MEDICAL DISCLAIMER

Any information or guidance we provide is not a substitute for the consultation, diagnosis, and/or medical treatment of your doctor or healthcare provider.

You must not rely on any information or guidance we provide you with as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or healthcare provider and we expressly disclaim all responsibility, and shall have no liability, for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffered by you or any third party as a result of your reliance on any information or guidance we provide you with.

Dear Lovely You,

energy is everything. It lights a spark.

Gives you a bounce that motivates you to get on and live.

But then shit happens. It happens to us all.

And sometimes I can't. I can't do it all on my own.

And waiting is murder.

Waiting and not knowing when the waiting will end.

This week? Next week? The week after?

And then there will be another wait. And another wait.

And at some point things will get worse. But we don't know how much worse or how quickly. But we do know they'll get worse.

And then what?

It's scary.

I only need my bounce and my spark to feel prosperous. I wish it would come back.

Not everything you’ve been through will get resolved - that’s life.

Anger spills out so easily at the moment. Fuelled by events from my past that I have worked on and worked on and still get triggered. Still unresolved. And that’s how it is.

Some things will continue to nark me like a persistent itch.

Working out what you need

I need a deep conversation with a woman I love. A woman that understands me and admires me for who I am. Not what society or the pressure on women have deemed I should be.

I am a strong woman.

I am worthy of a life where I can thrive.

Now what do I need?

Peace.

Tranquility.

Belly laughs.

Time out.

People who get me.

A fierce conversation.

More fierce conversations.

Sanity.

Insanity

Answers.

I need to know what's happening and what needs to happen.

I need to know what my future holds.

But I know something else is coming.

Something unwanted.

Something that will rock the foundations of my world as I know it. That already has in a way.

Life will never be the same again. But isn't this what I wanted? Change.

Now change is here but I don't want it like this.

But you don't get to choose. You don't get to choose how your life will pan out.

So rage. Rage and let all the feels spill out.

Let them dance across the page. Fall from your mouth. Punch the table with a tight fist.

So no!

Even though you know it also has to be a yes.

A yes to life. All of it. Because the best laid plans also get scuppered.

Spiritual people will tell you it's happening for you. That might make you mad or confused.

No matter. Whether it is or it isn't, you'll learn a lot about yourself. How resilient you are. How determined you can be.

How you make it easier for yourself or harder.

How what you're going through now, at the hardest time, relates to your everyday life.

What you need to reject. New things or ways of being you need to embrace.

All of it is what makes a rich life.

Breaks you open. Makes you curious again, if you allow it.

With every fibre of my being, I don't want this!

I know.

Not Now! Not ever!

I know.

And yet... Here we are. Facing it anyway.

One day at a time.

Those people that care most for you are waiting in the back­ground. Waiting for the word or words that will bring them to you. Maybe you’ve been keeping them at arm's length. But they are ready, waiting. Primed. And when the axe falls, they'll be there to hold you. To help you pick up the pieces

To listen.

To advise - though you might not want or need that.

You don’t need fixing.

You can’t control everything and that’s okay even when it doesn’t feel okay

Fire transforms things. It might not be what you want.

It can destroy a house or melt down metals to make beautiful jewellery or burn down a forest so it is rejuvenated.

We have less control than we think or would like.

In my own life, I can't do anymore. I can't do anything but wait.

And when the waiting is over, I will probably wish I were still waiting. Waiting for the final blow.

Waiting to hear the words that will change everything.

Waiting and living.

Waiting to see what life brings us next.

I don't want this next phase. But I do want answers.

But more than that I want freedom. I want to get away. Run away from this nightmare.

And be and be and be.

But while we're waiting I can't do any of that. I have to wait. Be patient. Not push. Not be a nuisance. Just wait.

And be free to feel everything.

Leave a comment and let me know if you feel you can be the carer and let yourself be cared for or does the thought make you squirm?

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MEDICAL DISCLAIMER

Any information or guidance we provide is not a substitute for the consultation, diagnosis, and/or medical treatment of your doctor or healthcare provider.

You must not rely on any information or guidance we provide you with as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or healthcare provider and we expressly disclaim all responsibility, and shall have no liability, for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffered by you or any third party as a result of your reliance on any information or guidance we provide you with.

Dear Lovely You,

everyone deserves to rest. Indeed everyone needs to rest. Your nervous system needs to be nourished and nurtured.

I've been wondering what you need to hear now in your current situation.

I've been wondering what you need to hear to give you strength.

I've been wondering what you need to hear to remind you how resilient and resourceful you are.

I've been wondering what you need to hear.

I've been wondering if I tell you you are a wonder of nature and worthy of love and support would you hear me?

Would you truly and deeply be able to embody these words and make them yours?

I want you to know how loved you are.

I want you to know that the people who truly love you want to help you.

Will you let them?

Will you let yourself be held?

Not to fix you or change anything but to hold you and accept you just as you are in the here and now.

A messy mush.

Whether broken, or broke down or broke open.

Tired, exhausted defeated.

Frustrated, angry, explosive.

Let them hold you.

They don't even need to understand.

They still love you for you.

There's no need for over analysis. There's no need to drag up the past all the time.

Shake it off.

Be who you are now because you are perfect and whole.

When was the last time you truly felt like yourself?

Free and bountiful and boundless?

Dear one,

you need to rest.

You need to play.

You need to create.

You need to breathe in fresh air and touch some leaves or trees.

You need to walk and run and skip when you feel like it.

You need time on your own to reflect and discover some peace of mind.

You need time with loved ones who truly care. To share. To laugh. To gather and eat.

It’s Okay to Be You.

It's okay to cry. It's okay to scream. It's okay to shout. It's okay to get things wrong.

It's okay to say no. It's okay to be selfish. It's okay to make your life how you want it.

It's okay to not always compromise.

It's okay to prioritise your own wants, needs and desires.

It’s okay to prioritise your life how you want it.

It's okay to be you.

To embrace the you that's been suppressed, repressed, unexpressed.

And allow all of you to come to the table unedited.

It’s true you'll make mistakes but these happen anyway, regardless of which part you choose to play.

It’s true not everyone will like or love this fully expressed you but neither does everyone like/love the pretender.

It's time to let go of your shield, shake off your armour and reinstate your True Self.

With firm boundaries and a soft heart.

She's been waiting in the wings a long time. Afraid of your cutting judgements of her. Hurt by your rejection.

But together you make an invincible team.

No matter what you say or do or who you be

You Are Good Enough.

Good enough for you.

Good enough for your family.

Good enough for your friends.

Good enough for this planet and this life.

Change your expectations and you change your experience of your life.

A change of expectation doen’t necessarily mean lowering your expectations.

It can simply mean different choices or priorities.

But which priorities are you really living your life by?

Life is precious. Time is precious

The choices you make create your life.

Prioritise wisely.

Be discerning in what you choose to do with your time and who you choose to spend it with.

Stop and smell the honeysuckle.

Don't be afraid to stop and do nothing at all.

Your nervous system needs that time to settle. Time to recalibrate. Time to adapt to new situations and circumstances.

Your soul, your heart if you like, wants to sing, wants to dance in the only way your soul can.

It wants to light up, explore, learn, create in the only way it can.

It wants to be untethered.

Unshackled from old ways of being and thinking.

Unbound, free to roam and explore and experience new things

to find its element.

And it wants and needs to rest in the spaces between.

It wants to run and sleep and dart here and there trying new things.

It wants to get back those child-like qualities.

Before curiosity was whithered away.

Before delight in simple things was discounted.

Before joy in the simplest things was belittled.

Before it had been told a hundred times

in a hundred different ways that it was a burden.

Before it was told it would have to pay its way.

Before the weight of responsibility sucked it dry.

Banished its vibrance.

And shamed its light.

Before it forgot who it is

to become what it thought it had to be.

Your heart, your soul wants to be free to express its full being through you.

I really appreciate you being here and spending your precious time reading these words. My written work is currently free but my life is changing dramamatically as I adapt to a new life. You can choose to support me in my work by upgrading to a paid subscription. Thank you. 💜

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MEDICAL DISCLAIMER

Any information or guidance we provide is not a substitute for the consultation, diagnosis, and/or medical treatment of your doctor or healthcare provider.

You must not rely on any information or guidance we provide you with as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or healthcare provider and we expressly disclaim all responsibility, and shall have no liability, for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffered by you or any third party as a result of your reliance on any information or guidance we provide you with.

Dear Lovely You,

I love change.

Even 'bad' change.

My body and mind thrive on change.

It energises me and makes me feel alive.

But I have resisted it for years, thinking I needed stability and security to stay safe and being blocked by others who definitely don't like change, I allowed myself to become stagnant.

Stability and security don’t keep you safe though.

Life happens anyway.

Good things.

Unpleasant things.

But mostly mundane things in between. Thank goodness.

A big change ahead

I am excited to finally be getting ready to move house. We've been working hard to get the house and garden ready but it’s taking a long time to shift twenty six years of stuff. Twenty six years of memories. Twenty six years of we’ll keep it just in case.

There's still a lot to do.

Clearing out the attic. Yuck! A mouse infestation meant lots of poo to clear up and a cough from the dusty insulation for several days after.

But change is good. Keep going.

Spring cleaning. Clearing out bags and bags of old paperwork and seeing space. Lovely.

Clearing out cupboards of things I haven’t thought about for years and forgot were there.

Clearing out things we kept just in case but that never got used.

Letting go of books was harder. So many memories and emotions in books. But I can cook! I don’t need recipe books and if I do there’s always the internet.

The charity shop were thrilled and Ahh… more space.

Hmm…. I’m not a gardener so why so many gardening books? A phase. Another time when it felt right. They can go too.

A poster of British trees in tip top condition safely stowed away and forgotten but I know exactly the little person to send it to. I love the warm glow that giving things away gives me.

The wrench of change

And the garden. Never clipped and restrained too much but now cherished roses battle it out with grasses that the meadow ants are helping to spread. Meadow ants are rare my son tells me, so that makes it even harder for me to even think about destroying their habitat.

The tansy I planted in the herb garden has completely taken over. It’s now in danger of strangling the bay shrub and is pushing up through the path.

Today the bottom of a mole was seen wiggling around, head down as it burrowed back into the earth at the corner of one of the raised beds. It’s welcome.

And raised beds once full of raspberries, pumpkins and beans are now suffocating with hazels where the squirrels had buried their forgotten winter supply of nuts and comfrey that topples over the lawn.

Lawn is a bit of an exaggeration. The grass and weeds and moss are a kind of mini ecosystem. If my son doesn’t get around to mowing for a few weeks, some weeds quickly sprout skywards, flower and go to seed. Like an old meadow would in days gone by.

I love that bumble bees still burrow into the hill at the back of the house and the spinney is still a haven for wildlife, when so many places are sterile from pesticides and chemicals.

This will be the biggest wrench. Leaving the garden to whomever comes here and knowing they might force it into submission, sending wildlife away to try to survive elsewhere. But where?

With change come losses as well as gains.

From the courtyard door, I watch the birds coming to the birdfeeders. The lesser spotted woodpecker has been a regular visitor this year. Perhaps raising a second brood.

Cheeky sparrows queue up on the bird cherry and winter jasmine with great tits, blue tits and siskins, squeezing through the squirrel proof cage around the feeders.

Magpies swoop into the courtyard to mop up cat food that we leave for the feral cats who have done a great job of keeping the rat and mouse numbers under control but have now decided this is their retirement home.

Safe in the knowledge that the cats have grown lazy, dunnocks and pigeons peck at the floor.

Paths have been cleared so that legs don’t get brushed from overhanging branches when it rains (which it’s done a lot this year) and grass removed and bagged so feet can also stay dry.

Our old volvo estate, back seats laid down flat so it’s like driving a van, has carried sacks and sacks of garden waste and all the other just in case things from the shed (much of which has been there for the twenty six years we’ve lived here) to the recycling centre.

I’m glad most of it can be recycled but it makes me sad to see that not everyone sorts their rubbish like we do and a lot still goes to landfill.

Change helps me grow and evolve as a person.

When bad things happen that enlivens me too. Not because I want bad things to happen but because I can see clearly what needs to happen, where I can help and what I can do.

I evolve through change, learning more about myself, life and the world.

When bad things happen I don't want to admit it, but it excites me.

It excited me when my son died. Yes I was sad too. Devastated and grief stricken.

And… I knew what to do. How to support my family. What to write in his eulogy. How to express what I was feeling and how I felt about him. How to be a grieving mother. HOW TO FEEL.

But I stopped myself feeling all the feels because that didn't look right on the outside.

I shut down instead. Stifled my energy. Stopped expressing myself through writing to friends and family and got on with the monotony of life.

Keeping safe or so I thought.

I killed myself. Killed my spirit and lived a half life. Not feeling. Like a robot.

But I am not a robot.

Shit happens. That’s life sometimes.

Now a 'bad' thing is happening again. I know what to do. I know who I am in this situation. Who I want to be. How I can support.

And also, these days, what my limits are.

Change isn't good for everyone. And change for its own sake can be a mistake.

But change happens anyway and holding onto the past is crippling.

Keep what's working for you.

But if you're someone who thrives on change, like me, you may need to switch things up a little.

It doesn’t have to mean burning all your bridges, moving house, changing jobs, getting a divorce or getting married, travelling the world…

Small changes can help to bring that vigour back into your life.

Declutter. Move the furniture or pictures and ornaments around. Drive somewhere different for a walk or take a different route to work.

Listen to completely different music for a week. Learn how to cook hungarian food. Go and shop in a local deli or wholefood shop instead of the supermarket. Or learn how to forage food for free.

Go for a long walk like Raynor Winn and her husband did when they lost everything, became homeless and he was diagnosed with a terminal illness and see how it can change your life.

Stand at a window and watch birds or lie on your belly and watch ants.

Paint a wall bright green. Use hot colours instead of neutrals or vice versa.

Try new things. A workshop. A talk. Read something completely different.

Or do that thing you have secretly been thinking about doing for ages.

With change comes an opportunity to experience life differently or to allow yourself to do change differently, to find aspects of yourself you didn’t know existed or hone those that have been a bit stale and dormant.

And let me know what you think. Leave a comment, share or subscribe to reply to this email letter or give it a like. 👇👇👇

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MEDICAL DISCLAIMER

Any information or guidance we provide is not a substitute for the consultation, diagnosis, and/or medical treatment of your doctor or healthcare provider.

You must not rely on any information or guidance we provide you with as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or healthcare provider and we expressly disclaim all responsibility, and shall have no liability, for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffered by you or any third party as a result of your reliance on any information or guidance we provide you with.

Dear Lovely You,

I walked into my brother's house and it was very quiet for a house with four children. Stepping into the living room I see my nephew and niece cwtched up side by side on the sofa, devices on their laps, but when they see me their faces light up. Devices go down. It's time to connect.

I spent a whole morning listening to them, watching them, immersing myself in their playful, innocent energy. What a relief and joy after weeks of stress.

For the first time, my five year old neice takes my hand of her own accord, to lead me around the garden. She shows me flowers her mum has planted, veg they have all planted and how she can climb the pear tree. I am enchanted and I don't want to leave. I want to stay in this innocent, playful energy and forget about what's going on in my life.

No matter how many mountains I have to climb in this lifetime I will keep going

I was writing to you weekly for over a year. I was really enjoying it. Writing has become my job. But I would be a hypocrit to keep pushing myself with everything we have on our plate right now. I can't write about it yet, but when I do there's going to be so much richness in the learnings and realisations to come.

I am still passionate about writing and sharing all I know. But for now I am having to apply and embody all I know for myself with the ferocity of a mother bear protecting her cub.

I have to be practical and realistic about my capacity. I have to prioritise where I put my time and energy for myself and for my family.

I am having to lean on my closest friends even though they also have a lot on their plates. I am having to take care of myself and I have finally surrendered to embracing that side of myself fully.

The self-ish, self-caring, self-compassionate, patient me that’s present to my own needs as much as anyone else’s.

Ahh… Long breath out…..

Using my Resources

I am taking many long walks, often at dawn and I have been running. Yes! Running!

Getting back to sleep when I wake at night is mostly impossible. Remembering what life has brought me swirls uninvited in my mind.

My way of dealing with a crisis is to take my imagination to the worst case scenario. Then I can work out how I can deal with it practically and realistically. What's in my control and what's not. Knowing how I can deal with the worst case scenario shows me that I can cope. I have strategies, resources and common sense approach to dealing with it. And if I can deal with the worst case scenario, I can deal with anything less.

Who do you lean on for support when there's no-one to lean on?

Leave a comment

Being a caring person I am naturally attracted to other caring types.

Probably, like you, most of my life I have been the one that people have turned to for support and I have been happy to give it.

In recent years I have learned to be brave and allow others to support me too but I have still found it hard to actually ask for it. (I squirm a little even thinking about it).

And when the very people I trust are also dealing with their own stuff it's doubly hard.

And yet, when I found the courage to reach out, I found we can still support each other. It's a two way process. More equal. More fair. Very productive. Each seeing each other's blind spots and reminding each other of our strengths and resources.

Not having to fix anything but just knowing there is someone who will listen.

How do you process difficult times?

Leave a comment

I process challenging experiences (well all things really) by speaking out loud. As I hear myself I can decipher what's truth, what's helpful, what needs more time to process, gaps in my understanding and the questions I need to ask.

I can hear my Inner Child, sense her fear and more easily access a a part of myself that can connect with and soothe her.

I am being gentle, kind and most of all patient with myself and I feel strong for it.

Healing at last in spite of the chaos

It's been a productive and healing time too. I discovered something called Energy Enhancement Systems. Basically you relax in a room with computers that produce some­thing called scalar energy.

Scalar energy is energy that is four times faster then the speed of light and creates an environment in which the body - down to a cellular and even DNA level- can heal itself.

It's complicated. It's physics which is not my forte. It sounds too good to be true and many will poo poo it but when you’ve lived with chronic health issues for years almost anything is worth trying.

You can get the simplified version of the science of scalar energy and Energy Enhancement System HERE. And no I am not an affiliate.

The important thing is that after almost nineteen years of living with, managing and trying all sorts of things to overcome chronic health issues I seem to be healing and I am thrilled.

And healing in the midst of a crisis, how can that be?

In the last few weeks I have more than doubled the number of foods I can eat from six to fourteen! Eating foods that I haven't been able to eat for years feels like heaven. Yum!

I have more energy and physical, mental and emotional strength and resilience.

I have spent hours decluttering the house and had the energy and strength for renovating the garden. I have taken car loads of recycling to the charity shop and recycling centre. I have vacuumed the house at six in the morning and thrown out bags full of old admin.

I am much more present, appreciating all the little things in life and being much more assertive.

I am feeling the feeling of love again and being more connected to my loved ones.

There's a lot happening but I feel strong enough to deal with it.

If you would like to find a centre near you or find out more, follow this link to Unifyd Healing.

Nervous System Health

The fight/flight energy is being put to good use and I have learned that I seem to have overcome a lifelong habit of suppressing and shutting down my emotions that has contributed to my health issues.

It does mean that I now feel a LOT more stuff including the icky stuff but that’s a (now) small price to pay for feeling, feeling, feeling and being in flow…

YES!

We mostly don't have any control over what happens in our lives but our nervous systems like to have the illusion that we do. When shit happens it triggers all the old unresolved wounds of our Inner Child and can make us defensive or shut down.

I have finally learned not to shut down. Hurray! All the hard work, inner work, processing are finally paying off.

And as uncomfortable as it is, at the moment, to feel all the unpleasant feels it is also liberating.

I no longer fear the fear. I am human. I have emotions. That's what makes me human. And I will get through this by being pragmatic, practical, realistic and allowing myself the grace to be vulnerable and be supported.

In essence by being my True Self.

I cannot control what life throws at me but I can be discerning in my response to it.

And like my neice, be present to the moment.

Georgia, my neice I mentioned at the start of this letter, told me she’s a big girl now but next birthday she’s going to be six. I said, enjoy being five first. 😘

Honouring Your True Self is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

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MEDICAL DISCLAIMER

Any information or guidance we provide is not a substitute for the consultation, diagnosis, and/or medical treatment of your doctor or healthcare provider.

You must not rely on any information or guidance we provide you with as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or healthcare provider and we expressly disclaim all responsibility, and shall have no liability, for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffered by you or any third party as a result of your reliance on any information or guidance we provide you with.

Dear Lovely You,

over the last four weeks as I have navigated caring for a loved one who has been very ill, I have had to let go of a lot of things while I continue to take care of myself.

I let go of things having to be done. I let go of perfectionism. I let go of some deep seated emotions. I let go of having to be the one that knows.

I let go of writing this letter to you even though my head told me I should. I followed my heart and I did what was right for me and my family.

I let go of always having to be right. I let go of dignity. I let go of the feeling that nobody cares about me.

I eventually let go of a lot of fear.

PAUSE while you ponder… What do you need to let go of?

Leave a comment

During that time I have felt a pleasure and comfort in ordinary things like washing up, bathing, planting a few bean plants, weeding and my beloved walks in the woods.

You can join me in the peaceful woods with my neighbour’s dogs Ruby & Bella for a few minutes here:

Going through this difficult time I found myself dropping into an old pattern of catastrophising

Without wishing to be dramatic, I was also thinking about what I would do if I had a serious disease diagnosis. I saw myself taking off alone on a car camping holiday and spending time on cool British beaches while I got my head straight. Then clearing my mind and taking the actions that I choose and deem appropriate for myself without the fear and pressure of loved ones and the medical establishment.

Does that seem selfish?

Being diagnosed with a serious illness can be (though often isn't) a catalyst for a person to suddenly realise the truth of who they are and what they want in life.

It's not even that we don't know before such an occurence who we want to be. But we hide behind fear and let the status quo remain, protecting others from our wants, needs and desires lest it upset, irritate or offend them. And really we are protecting ourselves from hearing or seeing the disappointment from others that’s aimed at us.

As a caring person do you find yourself bending over backwards to please people or make them feel comfortable even when their behaviour is inappropriate?

One of the receptionists at our Doctor's surgery has a very unfortunate manner or should I say attitude?

As a family we find it difficult to ask for help but when we do, we really need it. So to hear her tutting and sighing while we explain why we need to speak to a doctor or nurse is excruciatingly painful.

Here I want to make excuses for her. I don't know what has gone on in her life to make her close her heart and be so cold. Or maybe it’s a personality trait and she’s simply in the wrong job.

But, I am not responsible for that and when I or my family need CARE we expect to find compassion at the end of the phone, not impatience, contempt and being made to feel like we are a bloody nuisance.

Do you make excuses for other people's bad behaviour?

Leave a comment

I also know, having worked in a doctor’s surgery, that this kind of attitude breeds through the team as patients are discussed and judged behind closed doors and a toxic culture ensues.

Even as I write this, I can feel my body trying to contract and recoil into safety and trying to stop me saying anything.

And thoughts tumbling around my head as I try to avoid conflict. What are they saying about me/us? They don't like me/us? Are we being unreason­able? Demanding?

Even though I know we had a right to medical care and were being obstructed from that, I still want to keep the peace to maintain future relationships there.

Wanting and expecting everyone to be kind like me

We are patient, kind, caring people. We have a habit of avoiding conflict at all costs which is not always a healthy response. We bend over backwards to ensure others feel comfortable and we rarely ask for help.

So when the chips are down and we really are in need, we hope and expect that we will get some compassion, understanding and help.

After the conversation was finished and we hung up the phone, in the privacy of our own home, I found myself smashing the palms of my hands into the kitchen table. They stung so much I was tempted to stop but there was some pleasure in allowing such powerful emotions to be expressed and some queer bliss in the pain, so I continued.

I totally exploded with rage at the attitude we were being expected to take without compliant (they record calls for training purposes) and it took me by surprise.

Weeks of stress, holding everything together and suppressing my fear were catapulted out and everything I had been thinking poured from my mouth LOUD, unguarded and unedited.

My two adult sons came racing downstairs, thinking someone must have died.

Without hesitation, as I sobbed, they wrapped their arms around me and held me for a long time.

The trigger for this outburst was a feeling that no-one cares. All the dots from past experiences where I felt no-one cared and couldn’t express how I felt joined up together in one huge volcanic explosion.

The perception that no-one cares had been sitting unconscious, unresolved and still being held within me by my Inner Child.

But as I was held by my sons, I was reminded that I am very much cared about and loved, by family and friends.

The people that count really do care about me. The people that don't count don't know me and have their own shit going on and that's not my responsibility.

I apologised to my family and we talked it through. They all understood.

We finally turned a corner after waiting for two weeks to get to see the doctor and then getting an urgent referral but too late. By this time I had already booked a private consultation with a specialist.

(Note: here in the UK, in theory, everyone is entitled to free health care. The reality is that the NHS has been broken for many years as successive governments quietly dismantle and privatise what was an amazing public service a couple of decades ago.)

We finally got hold of the medication that was needed. We have finally had some tests with more to come and can see an end to this current escapade.

It’s highly likely that there is nothing serious going on and once my loved one has had the treatment they need in a few weeks time, life will carry on as normal.

Anger as medicine

In the world of self and spiritual development so called ‘negative emotions’ are often demonised if not discouraged.

You may be surprised to hear that it’s healthy to express anger as long as we do it without harm to ourself or others.

The important thing is to feel it fully and let it pass through us but again since most of us were discouraged from showing anger as children it takes practice to know the difference between acting anger out, which can also be detrimental to our health as well as relationships and really having firm boudaries when it’s time to say NO or ENOUGH!

Check out this video with my Nervous System Regulation teacher:

Coaching Myself Out Of Catastrophising

I decided to do some journalling. It is a great, scientifically proven, way to get everything out and gain a new perspective. I use it as a tool to coach myself.

I was highly stressed and imagining the worst. An old pattern. Having a vivid imagination is a double edged sword. 😆

I have many skills, knowledge and resources to help myself but all this was being over ridden by a deep fear within me that was trying to gain some control.

Some questions that were on my mind were:

Why do I imagine the worst when I know it just makes me more stressed?

Do I want to be a victim?

Is there a part of me that likes being a victim or needs it?

I then free flow wrote out my thoughts.

Note: I have lightly edited them to make sense here as when I write it often comes out all jumbled up rather than in a linear fashion.

There were Unconscious Beliefs that were holding this tendency to catastrophise in place

If I am a victim I still need someone to look after me and I need someone to look after me.

Hearing myself say this I know this is not true and I am quite capable of looking after myself. I can let that one go but… it will take repetition and practise to shift that inner feeling completely.

It helps me prepare for the worst case scenario.

If I imagine the worst case scenario I can work out how I am going to deal with it which gives me the illusion of having some control.

But…

It also causes a lot of stress for me and especially for others if I don't keep my thoughts to myself. But I can’t keep my thoughts to myself because I am too stressed. I need to talk it through with an appropriate person.

The purpose of catastrophising is to stay in the drama, to stay alert and keep unhelpful people at bay. And a protection mechanism to keep others alert to the fact I might need help and support but I don’t want to appear needy.

I wondered, where did this tendency to catastrophise come from?

It’s a habit I learned from one or two adults while I was growing up. And it’s a need in me to feel supported with an underlying feeling of shame that I even need help.

I hate to feel needy. It’s something I have fought against since I was a young woman feeling (or I should say believing) it made me seem weak and vulnerable. It’s okay for others but not okay for me. I have to stay strong for everyone else. Yet another ingrained belief.

But we all need support sometimes.

It also gives me a sense of purpose to rescue others. It pushes the stress hormones up and makes me feel alive. It gives me energy to act and to cope.

But I know I would cope better if I was calmer.

Underneath all that drama is fear.

Fear of the unknown and being out of control.

One of my biggest fears is not having control over my own body or being able to protect my loved ones.

I can't control the outcome but I can control some aspects of what occurs in between. A need to gather information to protect us. To have the best possible outcome. To control things that are out of my control. And an attempt to control other people to keep us safe.

It prevents other people taking advantage.

To stake my claim on my right to help and protect my loved ones.

Is it helpful/healthy to catastrophise?

It feels horrible!

What would be a better healthier way of dealing with a crisis?

Get the facts bit by bit, step by step and allow time to digest them.

Be patient.

Journal about how I am feeling.

Accept how I am feeling. All of it. Fear, anxiety, upset, impatience and journal on this.

Be present.

Take care of myself and my needs.

Ask for help.

Keep relevant people informed.

Talk to trusted friends.

Talk to trusted friends.

Talk to trusted friends.

Or talk to a professional.

Let the person involved make their own decisions whilst offering my own wisdom and insights without any attachment to them taking my advice. In other words let go of control. Surrender to not knowing what I don’t know.

Let go of anything that's non-essential.

Rest. Meditate.

Go to nature. Ground.

Long breaths out.

Humming and rocking are also great ways to soothe.

Find healthy ways to express fear and anger.

Cry if it arises. You don’t have to always be the strong one.

Be present.

Go for more walks.

The Outcome

Most of the things on my list of resources I did do and they helped. But the overwhelming fear that’s been there for so long sabotaged my ability to resolve the issue until I went deeper and took the time to coach myself and listen to the underlying shame.

Since I went through this journalling process and continued to journal daily (a good habit I had let slip) I’ve had a much less stressful week. I have remained much calmer. I am sleeping well and getting on with everyday life.

I am enjoying the birdsong, smelling the earth and freshly mown grass.

I have had many ideas of how I might work again which excites me (while still maintaining essential daily self-care as I manage chronic health issues).

I have been able to add in a few new foods to my diet. Bananas, peaches and egg white. Yum! When you haven’t had certain foods for a long time they taste like pure nectar.

I am more accepting of myself and my limitations.

I am dealing with the facts rather than my imagination.

I am a little more patient with waiting now some of the things are in place to get things rolling.

I have dipped my toe into coaching with a client again and it feels good and nourishing to be of service once again.

When the Universe throws us a curve ball and we have unresolved trauma in our systems, what seems like the right way to respond can be out of reach as primitive coping mechanisms take over.

It’s important to remember that our Inner Child can only respond in the way it knows how and to hold it (and yourself) gently and with compassion as it works things through.

Having the awareness and observation techniques to untangle what is going on, whether you do that on your own or with a trusted friend or practitioner is powerful in relieving unhelpful symptoms and behaviour and takes a lot of patience and practise.

With twenty years of coaching experience and a wealth of self awareness, I am able to do this for myself now most of the time but I choose to still work with other practitioners because there is always something to learn and we all have blind spots.

Next time the cards you are dealt are less than perfect remember to ask for help if you need it. 💜

Honouring Your True Self is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Subscribe now

MEDICAL DISCLAIMER

Any information or guidance we provide is not a substitute for the consultation, diagnosis, and/or medical treatment of your doctor or healthcare provider.

You must not rely on any information or guidance we provide you with as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or healthcare provider and we expressly disclaim all responsibility, and shall have no liability, for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffered by you or any third party as a result of your reliance on any information or guidance we provide you with.

Dear Lovely You,

the meaning of life, to me, is about being a fully expressed human in whatever way feels right to you.

Fetching my neighbours dogs to go for a walk I notice how uninhibited they are by me. They’re not interested in food even though they haven’t eaten since yesterday because I am the walking lady. They bounce up and down unaware and uncaring of how daft they look until we get to the field. They try to contain their excitement while I put on their leads.

As we cross the fields they sniff the air, tails swinging. Picking up another scent, noses to the ground they pick up messages from other animals. They are totally in the now.

Up in the woods where I can let them off the leads they trot beside me or launch themselves among the trees. They spot a rabbit, squirrel or sometimes a deer and tank off determined to catch their prey. They miss the rabbits and squirrels most of the time and have no chance with the deer but it doesn’t stop them following their nature. They run off unperturbed by failure.

I am amused and in awe.

One or more passions?

Like me you may not have one passion. You may be enthusiastic about several or many things. You may have a talent for life that's lay dormant under years of responsibility and allowing your mind to run the show instead of your heart which patiently waits in the wings for you to remember.

We're programmed to believe that life is about work (any work even if you don't like it) and pay your bills and if you're lucky and you're alive and healthy after that to enjoy a bit of your retirement doing the things you love to do.

In other words, put off living the life of a fully expressed creative human being until - for many- it's too late.

Life wants to come through you.

Life force energy wants to be expressed through you in your own unique way.

The problem is, you’re so busy surviving and under pressure to do what society expects of you, you don’t pause to feel it. To know it. To take action on it.

But Karen, I have to be practical!

Yes I know we all have bills to pay. Many of us are or have been responsible for bringing up others or taking care of others.

And... to feel a vibrant enthusiasm for life we need to honour our nature.

For most of us, it doesn’t have to be either/or it can be both. Little changes can make a big difference.

It’s time to pause, reflect and start to prioritise…

Harnessing Your Essence

True Expression isn't necessarily big and successful. It's not necessarily becoming a CEO, having the latest car, saving a rain forest or inventing a machine that can clean up our oceans.

It can be that but it doesn't have to be.

It can be bringing up the most happy, balanced children on the planet.

It can be moving your body every day in a way that's just right for you.

It can be running a home while having just the right systems that make life easier.

It can be making discerning, conscious, sustainable and/or ethical choices about what you buy and consume.

It can be tending your garden.

It can be putting your heart into making delicious meals from scratch for your family.

It can be living a minimalist life and/or off grid.

In can even be caring for others (if that’s where your true passion is) while having the grace to care for yourself with as much intention and attention.

It can be [add your ideas here]

It can be whatever you want it to be.

Listen to your heart more and ask you head to step aside for a while.

My Simple Life.

My days look much the same. I need time on my own to recharge and I need to connect with others to feel alive and for feedback to know I'm on path.

I need balance.

I walk in nature most days or at least wander in our garden, touching leaves, feeling my feet on the ground.

Nature is where I find solace and flow. Nature is where I can completely be myself. Nature never judges, rejects or scolds. It gets me moving. It gets ideas moving. It helps me find solutions. It lifts me up and makes me feel alive. Nature is healing and never lies.

Nature, like the mad dogs, is not trying to be anything other than what it is. An oak tree is an oak tree. A sparrow a sparrow. A hare a hare.

Sometimes I still get stuck in old patterns

I love to express my enthusiasm for life but old conditioning has been stopping me from fully expressing. I have been holding back, resisting.

Why?

Fear. Fear of looking wierd. Fear of being judged.

Fear that I’m not doing this right.

Fear that I’m not on the right path.

Making up stories in my head about what you really want or need.

I’ve been here before but it took me a while to recognise it this time.

I was making excuses. Maybe this writing lark isn’t for me. I don’t know what to write. What do they want/need?

But the only things that matter are that I am being fully expressed sharing what I know with the passion I feel for my topic of living a vibrant life that honours your True Self.

A life where people stop pretending and getting exhausted and really start to take care of themselves.

The more I express what I know, the more I learn. The deeper my own understanding, the more I have to share.

I have a very successful life. You might not see that if you compare my life to people livinging in big swanky houses with a car each and investments and savings. People who look, on the surface, like they have it all. Maybe they have or maybe it's an illusion spread by advertising, news corporations and big business. My life is not like that at all.

Finding satisfaction is the key

I know people, quite poor financially, who are very very happy and satisfied in their lives.

My successful life is simple and I try to make it as easy as possible by being organised.

My life is rich because of the fantastic relationships I have with my husband, sons, step children, parents, step parents, extended family and friends.

I cherish my relationships more than anything.

I feel confident that we are living an honest life and doing what we can to limit our footprint on earth.

My life is enriched by my hobbies of amateur gardening, painting and sewing.

My life is enriched by little adventures to the sea, walks with friends, visiting minor art exhibitions, colour and making my home beautiful.

I love to learn especially about self development, overcoming trauma and neuroplasticity and I love to immerse myself in a good self-help book.

I meditate daily which helps me feel present.

When I feel present I feel like light is beaming from my eyes I want to connect. I feel vibrant, light and alive.

Sometimes I don't want to do anything at all. I am quite happy lying in the sun or in our living room with the woodburner warming my bones.

The old farmhouse we live in needs some TLC but it’s perfectly functional.

The garden is a mess after years of neglect but attracts lots of wildlife. We face south looking out towards mountains and get lots of weather. The views change almost every moment and through the seasons.

We can hop over our fence at the back where we have a small spinney straight onto a public footpath. Walking up the hill across fields we can enjoy acres of public woodland.

And we have created this. We have chosen over and over to make a life that works for us.

And I love it!

Once you're clear about what's important to you, you can start making those choices too. Not the same choices as us but the ones that light you up and make you come alive.

Tell me about your longings and passions for a more harmonious, simple, ordinary life AND truly authentic life in the comments.

Leave a comment

Know what you really want and be honest with yourself

I am a multi-passionate woman with a lot of different interests to share.

Trying to write in the same way every week does’t work for me.

I don't have the energy for it.

The energy comes when I am being my truest self. Then it flows.

I love sharing my life experiences and stories of how things go wrong and then get reshaped into some kind of rightness.

I love sharing my alternative life and views.

Sometimes I might love to share how I cook every meal from scratch.

Sometimes I would like to share how I declutter and reorganise a room.

I would love to share more of how I revel in nature, the birds singing, photos of the mountains and how moving my body there fills me up and keeps me in flow.

I have views and opinions about the world and how societal pressure affects our choices and can make us ill and how we can change that.

And I do love sharing my knowledge of what makes humans tick from twenty years of coaching and hundreds, if not thousands, of hours of work on myself.

I want it all. Not one passion. Not one right way. Not breaking off pieces of myself and leaving them behind or shutting them down. Dulling the edges and core of me.

I want to express it all in the hope that it will inspire you to express all that you are too in your own unique way!

Is it selfish to be so self-obsorbed?

You need to know yourself, really know yourself, to be able to feel better and take aligned action that helps you live a more authentic life and engage with your True Self.

I am not just one thing. I don't have just one passion. And trying to fit myself into that one box is inauthentic.

I want to write with joy and passion. I want to bring all of me to the table.

I want to stop trying to be all things to all people and be what I need for me so that you can learn from me how to do that for yourself too.

I want to bring out the fun, creativity and multi-coloured humour of function and disfunction.

I want to be real.

I want to be My True Self right here on this page.

Always.

AND…

I want for you to start tapping into your True Authentic Self so you can start to feel freer and more alive too.

My Hopes for You

I want you to feel happy in your own skin.

I want you to wear your Self-Worth on your sleeve.

I want you to be able to say no and mean it, without guilt, when there’s stuff you don’t really want to do.

My hope is that something I say will touch you in such a way that you find clarity and can take some small or BIG steps towards being your True Self.

My hope for you is that you’ll come home to yourself.

My hope for you is that you’ll remember your deservedness, not because you did something special or made a huge successful career or a lot of money, with a big house and a big car (although that’s all okay too if that’s your desire) but simply by being the You you’re meant to be.

My hope is you’ll find you can dance through life with the ups and downs and always know you will get through.

My hope for you is that you can reach out (to me, to your friend, your partner, your adult child, to others) and ask for help and support when you need it.

My hope for you is that you will learn to accept yourself exactly as you are.

My biggest hope for you (and me) is that you can play the game of life that only you can play moment by moment by moment.

Honouring Your True Self is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

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MEDICAL DISCLAIMER

Any information or guidance we provide is not a substitute for the consultation, diagnosis, and/or medical treatment of your doctor or healthcare provider.

You must not rely on any information or guidance we provide you with as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or healthcare provider and we expressly disclaim all responsibility, and shall have no liability, for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffered by you or any third party as a result of your reliance on any information or guidance we provide you with.

Dear Lovely You,

I couldn't write last week because I was unable to sit or stand. Even if I had been able to sit or stand it was taking all my energy to manage the acute searing pain in my left buttock and thigh as my muscles went into spasm.

My mind wanted to know why this was happening now. I was happy. I felt like we were in flow.

My husband and I had finally come to the decision at the same time that it is time for us to move house. To downsize and simplify. I had been waiting for fifteen years for my husband to catch up with me on this.

We had viewed a property the previous week. It ticked almost all of the boxes on our list. Smaller but big enough for family to visit and for my husband to still work. Low maintenance house AND garden. Workspace completely separate from our home. This is a non-negotiable for me having lived with people coming in and out of our home space for twenty-five years, never quite being able to relax and switch off. Always feeling like I might have to perform at any moment. And to top it all, the house was surrounded by wide open countryside and the ability to roam freely on walks straight from our door step. It seemed perfect.

I'd been looking consistently for a year and this was the very first property I had found that I thought might work and showed my husband.

When he said yes to viewing it I wondered if he had had a brain transplant as well as back surgery last year. How come he was suddenly ready to start clearing out the shed, tidying the garden and making trips to the recycling centre? Where had my husband gone? Where were all the excuses and arguments against moving? Where was the resistance?

Moving in before moving in

I was excited but also remaining a little detached from it happening. We had a lot to do to get our place ready to go on the market. I felt compelled to start clearing the house. In my element I sorted one room in one day. But the day before our second visit to view the new home that, in my head, I had already moved into, allocated who was going to have which bedrooms, where I would place our furniture and what I would do with the garden the pain began. Slow down, it seemed to be saying. You still need to take care of yourself.

Doubts started to tumble into my fractious mind. Maybe this isn't the right property for you. Maybe you don’t have the energy or strength for a house move. Maybe it’s not the right location for Ashley to run his business from. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe….

But we could both see ourselves living there and it made me feel intensely happy thinking about it.

When the Universe speaks, listen

We walked around each room imagining where our furniture would fit. We admired the wooden floors. We enjoyed the views from the upstairs windows towards hills and mountains. We walked through the garden that was bordered by a brook running rapidly around the perimeter but never flooded. My nervous system relaxed. We worked out how to make the annexe work for my husband to treat patients. And when we finally spoke to the neighbours who share the drive we found they were profoundly unhappy about our plans to work there and said it was written in their deeds that no-one could!

Bonk!

I felt a tear well up but I had half expected it. The woman wasn't exactly friendly either, perhaps feeling defensive. We don't want to upset anyone and we don't want bad feelings with the neighbours.

In our next home we're planning to live out our lives there, gradually slowing down into our autumn years in peace and tranquility.

Meditating and resting

Letting go, I laid up for a few days. I calmed down.

I felt sure and happy with our decision to walk away.

This time we're not settling. The Universe was slowing me down for a reason.

Write a list and stick to it

I’ve made enough mistakes in my life not to want to make any more. Of course there are no guarantees but we can limit them by being ruthlessly honest about what we do and don’t want and not allowing ourselves to be swayed

Manifesting the things we want takes time and clarity. Getting clear about priorities and not kidding yourself is essential. Not pushing and trying to make something work that clearly doesn’t just because you’re afraid you’ll miss an opportunity. There will always be more opportunities.

Years ago, before I had even heard of Personal Development, I wrote a list for my dream partner and manifested my husband. There were nine things on that list and he ticked all nine boxes.

If you write a list it gives you something to refer back to when you start to wobble.

Make a list of all the essentials you want to have.

What’s non-negotiable for you?

Prioritise them with the most essential at the top.

If you like, add a few things that would be the icing on the cake but not necessaily essential.

Want what you want with all your heart AND complete detachment from having it.

If it’s not right something better will come along. Be patient and listen to the whispers, nudges and bonks on the head that are warning signs that something is not quite right.

Building trust in your own decision making, discernent and intuition is a skill you can hone and one well worth developing as you learn to manifest your dream home, job, relationship or anything else you choose.

Honouring Your True Self is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

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MEDICAL DISCLAIMER

Any information or guidance we provide is not a substitute for the consultation, diagnosis, and/or medical treatment of your doctor or healthcare provider.

You must not rely on any information or guidance we provide you with as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or healthcare provider and we expressly disclaim all responsibility, and shall have no liability, for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffered by you or any third party as a result of your reliance on any information or guidance we provide you with.

Dear Lovely You,

I have had a break from coaching for about eighteen months to give me space to apply and embody what I know and come back to myself, instead of lurching from one thing to another with a sense of desperation which can lead me in the wrong direction.

I got to a point I didn't feel I had much more to learn about myself. Over and over I was finding a lack of self-worth at the root of my issues. But why?

Had it always been that way? It seemed, at least on the surface, it hadn't.

As a young woman I had been able to make decisions for myself. Blustering through. Pushing and striving for a better life. But while I was pushing I was ignoring my needs. Pretending they didn't matter. More than that, not even realising I had any needs beyond loking after others.

My mind over-riding any hint of perceived weakness from my body. Everyone keeps going, so I have to too.

I am not allowed to struggle. Who says?

Just one more thing to do (which invariably leads to others), one more person to help.

No! Don’t stop they’ll think you’re lazy, weak, selfish, a failure…

Where did that idea come from?

How did it become a belief that unconsciously was running the show?

Rushing around trying to ensure everyone else was ok. But feeling it must be a weakness if I ask for help or admit I’m crumbling?

The answer is, it started somewhere before I was seven years old and was reinforced by many other similar situations, at least to my mind, that backed up and gave me evidence I was right.

I’m not worthy unless I keep beating myself up to do and be more.

Does personal development cause low self-worth?

I have lived within the personal development world for over twenty years and it does become addictive. I am so fascinated by the mind and people and what makes us tick and have seen it as the way in to getting to the root cause of our human condition. What could be wrong with that?

Don't we all want to feel and function better?

Well no, some people are perfectly happy with the way they are, if not with the way life is.

But if we're not happy with the way our lives are, the only thing that is within our control to change it is ourselves.

However, over the last two decades personal development has become a huge industry with thousands of self help books, online courses, retreats and even TV Channels telling us what we must do to be better humans and more successful.

And in the pursuit of self improvement we can lose track of all that we have already gained and have.

And herein lies the rub. In my race to resolve health issues, to be happier, to be more successful, I realised I have been silently telling myself you're not good enough, again and again and again.

Not noticing (or too stubborn to stop because I HAVE to DO something) that what I was doing wasn’t working.

Ironically my striving to heal myself and failing had developed into another big stick to beat myself up.

It must be me. I must be doing something wrong. I haven't found the right thing yet. I have to keep trying.

Trying instead of being.

Ahh.. relaxing and enjoying what I have. Allowing myself to rest, recover, recharge.

Desperation for a cure was the very thing that propels me to keep going. A dogged determination not to give up.

In the belief that: I'll just carry on doing more of this, spending money on that, do another course, read another book, learn another technique and eventually I'll find the magic key that's going to heal me.

Don't get me wrong, I don't regret a single minute or a single pound I have spent on my training and coaching. I love it and I knew right from the start I had to do it without knowing where it was going to lead. And I love that there is now growing research and evidence that what used to be thought of as woo woo, pie in the sky muppet magic, does in fact help to rewire the brain so we can start manifesting the lives we truly want.

Stepping back and taking inventory

Self awareness does involve effort though.

And it does involve building a real sense of self-worth as we get to know and honour our true selves.

I have a clever mind and it ALWAYS wants to be in control of everything.

Finding practitioners who can get beyond the bluff is difficult. I would work out what they were doing and pre-empt them. I would find myself expanding on their thoughts and explanations before they did because I have to appear to know best. This was my unconscious protection mechanism.

But how to get beyond that? How to actually find my blind spots?

You see, I was good at sounding and looking like I had myself all worked out (and in many ways I did) but I didn't know how or what to change to FEEL better.

It turns out it’s really quite simple.

STOP.

STAND BACK.

OBSERVE.

NOTICE WHAT YOU’RE DOING.

NOTICE IF WHAT YOU ARE DOING IS ACTUALLY HELPING YOU.

NOTICE (AND BE HONEST) IF YOU ARE JUST GOING AROUND IN CIRCLES.

NOTICE HOW IT MAKES YOU FEEL WHEN YOU ARE.

REALLY NOTICE HOW DESPERATE STRIVING FEELS IN YOUR BODY.

NOTICE THAT, OH I HAVE BEEN HERE BEFORE. I STOP. I OBSERVE AND AND TRY TO DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT ONLY TO FIND MYSELF REPEATING THE SAME PATTERN.

DECIDE TO STOP THE UNHELPFUL PATTERN BUT FAIL MULTIPLE MORE TIMES BECAUSE IT’S SO WIRED IN.

YOU CAN GET SO FAR ON YOUR OWN THROUGH FREE WILL BUT THERE ARE SOME STUBBORN LITTLE WHATSITS THAT JUST WON’T BUDGE.

HAVING HAD A PROPER BREAK THOUGH YOU CAN SEE WHAT’S NOT WORKING ANY MORE.

EXPLORE NEW OPTIONS AND POSSIBILITIES TO REWIRE YOUR BRAIN SO YOU CAN TAKE CONSISTENTLY ALIGNED AND CONGRUENT ACTION.

REMEMBER THAT STRIVING WON’T HELP AND DO THE NEW THINGS WITH PATIENCE.

NOTICE NEW RESULTS AND REMEMBER TO BE PATIENT, COMPASSIONATE AND OBSERVANT.

LET SUCCESSFUL STEPPING STONES BE ORDINARY SO YOU DON’T GET OVER EXCITED AND OVER-STRETCH YOURSELF AGAIN.

Choosing a bit of Woo Woo

Having had a break from working with any practitioners I felt ready for a next step. Over the year I had collected a list of practitioners, therapists, body workers, yoga teachers and others including some I had already worked with.

I went for a few massages. That should have worked I thought, as my Love Language is physical touch and massage is known to help release oxytocin. It seemed like an obvious choice. But after three sessions with a really experienced body worker who actually listens I felt worse. I listened to my body and stopped.

I tentatively reconnected with a teacher and practitioner I thought might help me but there were hiccups with her communication three times and I knew in my bones I was going in the wrong direction. STOP.

It was time for a new approach.

I then saw a comment in a thread on social media that peaked my interest. The author of the message was saying they had tried all sorts of approaches to heal chronic health issues to no avail and was asking for help. But one person said they were having success with something completely different and to DM her. Her offer wasn't to me but I messaged her anyway. She happily described the progress she was making with Body Code, Emotion Code and Belief Code (which is a kind of energy healing) clearing a lot of emotional blocks and limiting beliefs. After years of feeling stuck with an auto-immune condition was finally making progress.

I had to try it. But I still wasn't sure so I wrote down all the practitioners and modalities on little slips of paper. Folded them then tossed them around before dowsing. Yes I am one of those people who has a dowser which I use from time to time. This left me with three things to try.

Body Code, Groove (which is a fun dance class I sometimes go to) and some fancy pants yoga I had heard of locally.

I plumped for Body Code because… well I haven’t tried anything like that before so why not? Body Code works with the subconscious mind instead of trying to change the conscious mind which always thinks it knows best.

The subconscious mind is where real sustainable change happens and rewires the brain. You have to work with it and learn too but it really is shifting a LOT of stuff and I felt the benefit from the very first session.

It’s such a relief to get a little uplift and feel some hope again. I am feeling more present, more compassionate and umm… parts of my personality that I have repressed are leaking out from time to time and what comes out of my mouth sometimes surprises me.

This is scarey. In the past when it happened, I would be too concerned about how it was affecting my relationships and contract, repress my authentic self and revert back to people pleasing. This time I have been able, from a place of love, to explain to my family what is going on, apologise and ask them to be patient as I learn how to manage this newfound bubble of energy.

Instead of suppressing those parts that I would rather other people didn’t see, I am embracing them. The critical, self-righteous, know it all needs space to breathe and I am looking forward to the positive fruits of it’s energy.

As I relax into myself a little more things are beginning to shift. I catch myself beginning the old pattern of striving -in my head- and pause more. I'm listening to my impulses more and acting less from a place of fear or lack.

PS. If you would like to collaborate with me and share your journey of recovering your True Self ( a journey that can take a lifetime so maybe incomplete) you can contact me by DM if you have the substack app or reply to this email if you are a subscriber. I would love to hear your story.

Honouring Your True Self is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Subscribe now

MEDICAL DISCLAIMER

Any information or guidance we provide is not a substitute for the consultation, diagnosis, and/or medical treatment of your doctor or healthcare provider.

You must not rely on any information or guidance we provide you with as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or healthcare provider and we expressly disclaim all responsibility, and shall have no liability, for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffered by you or any third party as a result of your reliance on any information or guidance we provide you with.

Dear Lovely You,

it is a fact that we need to see to believe that what we want is possible for us by finding role models and examples of expanders who have gone before us. People who have had the same struggles but come out triumphant the other side.

I am excited to introduce Amber Horrox who I met a few months ago on a poetry workshop. I immediately loved her energy and how we connected.

I felt, this is a women in her power. This is a woman who has had the courage to completely change her life and go against societal norms to heal herself of chronic illness and live authentically.

Amber writes: Warrior Within where she empowers people with chronic illnesses to heal themselves.

I asked Amber about what it means to be her True Self, what obstacles she faces and what she does when she gets stuck to get herself out of a rut.

Amber’s generous response.

One of the biggest realisations I’ve had this year so far is that I have never been as true to myself as I am now. I have also never been as well as I am now and I wonder at the correlation between the two?

In a deep healing treatment the other year I came across one of my deepest fears; the fear of being me. I fear the repercussion. Will I be beaten up? Will I be burned at the stake? Will I be shunned by my community?

Caring and empowered in relationship

It is in my nature to be caring and in many ways I have always been caring. However, I have also been hurt and carry a lot of trauma. So in many ways my fear of getting hurt has not always meant I have been as caring as I would like. I have been on a deep healing journey for 6 years now and so I have healed a lot in the way of past trauma and my fears around getting hurt. My boyfriend often compliments how caring I am but there is a big difference to how I show up in this relationship versus ones of the past.

Sacrifices made from being a people pleaser

Yes, I would describe myself as a recovering people pleaser. I learnt from a very young age to be a good girl. My Dad nicknamed me Good Girl. I was very good in school and got good grades. I gave so much of myself to my job that in retrospect, I sacrificed myself like a lamb to slaughter. In sacrificing all my needs in order to please, I lived a life of fatigue for many years, eventually leading to burnout, mental health breakdown and chronic illness.

Total breakdown before being able to put myself first

It took for complete disability by illness for me to prioritise my needs and put myself first. Up until that point, I didn’t even know what my needs were or that I had any that weren’t being met.

Now I live my life as my true self, I feel a sense of freedom I have never known. I see life through an entirely different lens than the one I did before. I hear a different voice in my head. One that tells me “I can” and not that “I can’t”. A voice that encourages me and knows that its not about what “I should” be doing, its about asking myself the question “what do I want?”.

Back in my corporate days at work, I was told I wasn’t good enough. That I had to do what I was told. What I was being told to do went against everything that I knew to be true.  Being told I wasn’t good enough was a reflection of my own inner belief system.

Being my true self in a romantic relationship

I feel the most like my true self in my life now. I am 18 months into a romantic relationship. One of my priorities in the first year was a) adjusting to life in a relationship after 2.5 years being single and being completely transformed as a person due to all I’d been through combined with b) not losing myself in anyway this time round. Trickier than you might think.

Making this a priority has paid off big time. There have been times when it felt easy to get swept away, however, I continue to do what I want, love what I do and live everyday like I’m on holiday. And now I have the most amazing partner by my side who compliments me and supports me all the way.

Trusting my intuition

I make decisions about what’s right for me based on signs, synchronicities, messages, dreams, feelings and ‘knowings’ combined. I call this alignment and when all these factors are in alignment with what it is I truly want, need and desire. There is no right or wrong, it just is.

How I get unstuck & useful practices for balance

When I’m not feeling like myself, I know that I am out of balance in some way. What lifts me out of it is bringing back the balance. I do this through meditation, walks in nature, breathing deeply, drinking freshly made ginger tea, journalling and movement in the form of yoga.

A couple of years ago I turned this into a day retreat I call “Bring Back the Balance” and I now hold space for and guide others to come back to themselves in the same way I practice this too.

Connecting with my inner child and healing practices

Self-love is a practice I’ve undertaken in the last 5 years. I started with buying a body moisturiser called Body Love which costs more than I would have ever previously spent on myself. In doing so I realised that I never moisturised my tummy region and made this part of my self-love practice. It’s evolved from here slowly over time. I have a go to “self-love and acceptance” You Tube meditation I do which helped connect to my inner child.

I was shocked to discover that she didn’t even have a tiny scrap of self-worth. She felt completely worthless. With practice and patience, I went on to fully integrate my inner child. She now feels loved, cared for and wanted in a way she never has before.

Unusual self-care practice

An unusual self-care practice has been to connect to the belief that, “I matter. My health matters”.

This appeared to act as a catalyst to the life-changing transformation I embarked upon in 2018 when I learnt to drown out the noise of everyone around me, tune into my own inner knowing, unleash this warrior within that I never before knew existed and took back the reigns of creation for my own life, health and healing. This belief was so empowering that it acted as an unwavering and unshakable foundation and sees me as well as I am today. It appears to be the complete opposite of the way we treat ourselves and the value we place on health, collectively speaking and within the society as we experience it today. I hope to be the catalyst for this change in so much as this has been a catalyst for me.

Boundaries I have put in place

Ooofff, boundaries. I had to bring in boundaries as part of aligning my menstrual cycle with the seasons. Boundaries came into play in my most challenged time healthwise (once I broke the chronic pain and chronic fatigue cycle and recovered from the first of the 3 health relapses that I’ve experienced in the past 6 years). Specifically, saying no. Closing down my work diary. And rest, rest and more rest.

I reached a point in 2022 where it was easier to be bedbound in severe/agonising pain than it was to say no and do what it took just to avoid severe/agonising pain (the pain remaining to a very high level and very slowly and steadily reducing in duration). I upset a friend who was not used to me saying no. I had never said no to anything in my life. Now I have to say no as many times as 4 or 5 each week especially when I am in the window where I am most challenged each month.

Self belief

You know what you are doing, keep doing it. I am here with you. You are not alone. We are together. Together we are in this. I am your best friend. I am here to cheer lead you on. Listen to those whispers. They are guiding you. Showing you the way. Don’t let anybody else tell you what is true for them is true for you. This is true for them, this may not true for you.

It took me until I was 42 to realise that I was accountable for taking care of myself. That I could effectively take care of myself. That I could trust myself. This came about when unexpectedly finding myself alone on holiday in Tenerife.

As part of my inner child work, I decided to let my inner child run riot that week. I decided to let her run the show. I gave her the go ahead to do what she wanted, eat what she wanted, spend what she wanted.

I ate ice cream a couple of times, tried the desserts in the all inclusive (didn’t like them), drank a couple of cocktails, booked a spa day and a massage, bought a gorgeous summer dress (something I hadn’t allowed myself to do for a long time) and went parasailing (I had no idea I had to jump off a mountain to do that! I just knew that I was going to regret it if I went home without doing it).

The outcome? I discovered that my inner child knew how to look after herself all along.  She was safe. She could be trusted. She knew what she was doing.

My thanks to Amber Horrox from Warrior Within for this heartfelt collaboration. Click on this link to find out more.

With Love

from our True Self to Yours

Amber & Karen xx

PS. If you would like to collaborate with me and share your journey of recovering your True Self ( a journey that can take a lifetime so maybe incomplete) you can contact me by DM if you have the substack app or reply to this email if you are a subscriber. I would love to hear your story.

Honouring Your True Self is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.

Subscribe now

MEDICAL DISCLAIMER

Any information or guidance we provide is not a substitute for the consultation, diagnosis, and/or medical treatment of your doctor or healthcare provider.

You must not rely on any information or guidance we provide you with as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or healthcare provider and we expressly disclaim all responsibility, and shall have no liability, for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffered by you or any third party as a result of your reliance on any information or guidance we provide you with.

Dear Lovely You,

all in all I had a pretty good childhood.

We knew we were loved. We had a home to live in and we always had a garden to play in. We had food and clothes. And we had a strong family community around. A bunch of related people who had each others backs.

My mum, the eldest of eight, had too much responsibility too soon but when she fell pregnant with me (also a tad too soon 😁) and birthed me into this world, she did the very best she could for me. My brothers followed in quick succession so there were three babies in two years. I am in awe of how she managed to run a home (before we had a fridge or washing machine) and always, she, the house and we looked immaculate. I can only imagine the drudgery of hand washing nappies for the three of us.

I watched her torn between caring for us and trying to work. Worrying that we were being looked after properly and having enough money. Her jobs never lasted long. Something always went wrong.

In later years she berates herself for not having had a proper career but I can only be grateful for the mother I had. How she tried to encourage us but lacked confidence herself. How she wanted more for us and would emphasise what teachers told her about our abilities to try to boost our confidence after she attended Parent's Evenings.

In celebration of male feminists

I watched my parents push and pull. My dad appeared to me to have all the power as he always worked and was the main earner. I wanted to be like him. I wanted to have my own money. But I also wanted to be beautiful, attractive and feminine like my mum.

My dad couldn’t be described as a feminist and always worked but he also helped out around the house. I remember him hoovering while mum put us to bed. He always grew a bit of veg and usually seemed to be in charge of cooking the Sunday roast with gravy and roast potatoes. My Mum, washing the cabbage from the garden would squeal when she found a slug in it. My dad would laugh and throw it all in salt water where the poor slugs shrivelled up and perished.

I think my dad just wanted her to be happy but she found it impossible to split herself in half and never found an equilibrium.

Celebrating Grandmothers

So many great female role models surrounded me growing up. Kind, practical, efficient women. My grannies were no exception. My heart swells for them.

I heard stories about how Granny Davies, my maternal Gran, would buy a whole roll of the same fabric and make dresses for all seven of her girls. She got by with very little by being frugal and was a terrible hoarder and somehow held everything together.

I don't remember ever seeing my grandad sober and I know there were arguments about this but my Gran was always there for her children as much as she could be.

Not perfect, no, but her life was hard. Going out and doing cleaning and cooking jobs that fitted in with raising a large family to make ends meet. Washing the local football team kit at weekends. Eugh, the smell! And getting electricuted by the warn out twin tub.

When she retired she took herself off to learn how to oil paint. She was also an accidental gardener. She could put a stick in the ground and it would grow.

Granny Waring was a different kettle of fish altogether. A talented knitter who could also sew, she worked in a light manufacturing factory for decades. She had helped bring up her own siblings after her father died quite young but only had two children of her own, two boys, which was unusual in those days. It was at her house where I stayed for weekends sometimes I started to learn how to bake. She let me lick out the bowl after mixing the ingredients. Does that count?

I lived with her for six months when I was seventeen and had my first proper job. She had a passion for good simple quality food and I would get home in the evening to smells wafting from the kitchen. Same things every week. Oven baked curry Wednesdays. Plaice in breadcrumbs Thursdays. Roast dinner Sundays. Tinned ham or salmon sandwiches followed by trifle, victoria sponge, and peaches in Ideal milk washed down by a cup of sweet tea for Sunday tea.

She was organised and ran a tight ship. Certain things happened at certain times (washing - Saturday mornings, shopping - Saturday afternoons, hoovering, polishing and baking - Sunday mornings). Rituals consistently carried out week after week. I never heard her complain about it and there was no clutter to be seen.

Once I saved up enough Green Sheild Stamps to get her an electric can opener. I never saw it again. It was obviously superfluous to her needs. She seemed to have an unspoken rule that if you could do something simply why make it more complicated?

The thing I am most grateful for from these women is that they cared, they never made me feel like a nuisance and showed their love in such simple ways.

The expectations I let go of to honour my own needs

I strove for a long time to be more like my dad and have my own income but the reality is, it's hard to be a good employee and a good mother. I now believe children - especially in the early years - need that parental attach­ment to feel safe and grow into healthy happy humans. Dr Gabor Mate agrees and has research to prove it.

It was a big decision to leave my nursing career and the financial independence that that gave me but it was the right thing to do. I have never regretted it. However, I do have a supportive, loving, respectful and exceedingly domesticated husband. Letting go of my career meant letting go of my independent income, building a pension and a sense of doing something meaningful in the world. At least that was my perception.

But isn’t raising a child THE most meaningful thing a person could do if they’ve chosen to have children? A healthy, resilient, well balanced, kind and considerate child. A child who can contribute and make the world a better place.

What I really let go of was fear. I let go of not being able to trust that someone else would provide for me. I let go of needing to be in control of everything. I let go of a stressful career with which I was not aligned. I let go of the jaded feeling that I had to do it. I let go of being pulled in all directions and never doing anything well.

It's not ideal and leaves me vulnerable of course. What happens if something happens to my husband? But with regards to bringing up a family and ensuring everyone gets their needs met as much as possible, to me, it was a no brainer.

My confusion at being a woman in a man’s world

So I am all for equal rights as long as it doesn’t mean women have to be like men and can bring their feminine energy to the table and be just as valid.

I am all for equal pay. Same job. Same pay.

I am all for having my opinions heard, considered and taken seriously.

I am all for women having control over their own bodies. Absolutely!

I am all for workplaces that allow women to work flexibly to make the most of their time around childcare and their monthly cycles.

I am all for men having flexible working conditions so they too can take part in the important role of raising children.

I am all for women having as much choice as men over how they live their lives, dress, express and have places of power in society.

I am all for women (and men) staying at home and making their children their priority if that’s what they choose.

And… I can see there’s huge potential for women to lead the way by changing how we live, love and work.

But I can also see how societal priorities are skewed to ensure economic growth over health, happiness and wellbeing.

And these questions come to mind…

Women work harder, academically achieve more but do they believe they deserve it?

Do they really believe they deserve to be successful?

Do they believe they deserve to earn lots of money?

Do they believe they deserve to have as much power as men?

And they’re held back by an invisible force that has infused society for decades. The Patriarchy.

And it’s not even the ordinary man’s fault because they are as much blindfolded by it as women. So let’s stop bloke bashing please.

Where are the female role models who aren’t afraid to use their feminine power?

I am trying to think if I know any female role models who are successful in a balanced way. I mean not trying to be like a man but honouring their feminine side as well. Allowing the feminine parts of their persona to shine through proudly and authentically.

Do you know any?

I would love to know who yours are.

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The dilemma of being a modern woman

I have worked and raised four children and two step children, run a household and supported my husband in his business working from home whilst juggling, at one time, the commute to two different schools and nursery as well as trips to extra curricular activites. This could be the definition of insanity!

For the last twenty years I have been part-time self-employed on and off, focused on our children and supporting my husband in his busy practice as an osteopath. I’ve had flexibilty and have eventually learned to stop pushing (mostly).

I have lived through periods of time where women got angry and burned their bras while men were striking at coal pits.

My generation of women were told we could 'have it all' and mostly just ended up burnt out, ill and doing it all.

I've seen women fighting for the same pay as men for decades and yet there is still inequality.

And I have seen career women struggle to continue to work through peri-menopause having worked really hard to gain the same status as men and then have to quit at the height of their careers due to inflexibilty in the workplace leading to the loss of valuable, experienced talent from the workforce.

I know women who have comfortable lives often because their partners have well paid jobs. Some are happy, some not so, missing using their grey matter.

And I know women (often single parents) who have worked really hard all their lives and have very little to show for it. No home of their own. A measly pension to look forward to and having to scrape by week to week.

What does it mean to be an empowered woman in 2024?

Is it yet possible to work in a fulfilling job, run a home, have a loving relation­ship and nurture healthy, happy children and flourish and thrive ourselves?

I won't pretend to have the answers but I know some shifts in perception can help.

Questioning what is actually normal rather than following the same old tired narrative.

In his book, The Myth of Normal, Dr Gabor Mate explores this very topic in detail. It’s good to educate ourselves on such matters.

Prioritising wellbeing above material gain and money, obviously once all basic needs for food and shelter are fulfilled.

Coming back to our nature and nurturing the young ones, not on our own, but alongside the men and in community.

And trusting our intuition. If only I had been able to do that as a young woman!

Privilege & Reality

As a white western woman I know I have a lot of privilege even to be able to express my thoughts and opinions.

I know I can make choices that many others can’t but also I have dragged myself up economically, I guess because I made an unconscious choice to do so at some point.

Things are changing slowly. It really doesn’t have to be that slow but while society continues to strive to stay the same, controlled by a few numpties at the top who want all the power and money and none of the responsibility, that’s how it will be.

And I’m tired. I am tired of fighting for what should be a no brainer.

Happy, healthy women means happy, healthy relationships and happy, healthy children and happy, healthy workers and business owners. And all this adds up to happy, healthy societies. Communities who work together for the good of all.

Change is happening as women take back their power and do things more their way

Women empowered to make their own decisions (perhaps running their own businesses) about how to spend their precious hours on earth are creating happy, healthy collaborative communities.

Women are empowering women by writing truthfully about motherhood, all its pains and pleasures. Women are supporting each other in a quiet revolution to make their lives work better for them rather than working more and harder for external validation.

Women are growing their self-worth and quietly and consistently standing up for themselves.

Like the women that prompted this post. Claire Venus, Lauren Barber and others and you can read more about this Daisy Chain HERE.

Celebrating all the women in my life

I can’t leave this letter without showing my gratitude for my mum. She gave me life and did the very best she could with what was available to her. With little support or education about sex, contraception or being encouraged to find a better life for herself, she found herself with three children by the age of twenty. And she did a grand job, even if I do say so myself. Ha ha…

I am grateful for my Grannies and my aunties who showed me how to be kind and caring. I am grateful for my step mum who always has my back. It’s quite something to have not one but two supportive mother figures. And I am so so grateful to have wonderful friends in my life that accept me just as I am.

The men play a big part in this

And I am grateful for my husband and the men I see who are respectful, kind, caring and supportive of their partners in a world that is just as confusing to them as it is to women.

As the mother of three remaining sons, I believe we have shown them what it means to have respectful relationships. But more than that, I think they are way beyond us in this respect when listening to their conversations with friends and the conversations we have with each other. Our generations have had to learn about equality and respect, to them it’s second nature.

I want to be heard, respected, empowered, healthy and wealthy.

I want a balanced life that nurtures my relationships, is connected to nature and allows me to express my wholehearted self.

I want to work in a way that supports and honours my energy.

And I suspect we each have to find this in ourselves by getting back in touch with our sense of self-worth and deservedness.

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Dear Lovely You,

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MEDICAL DISCLAIMER

Any information or guidance we provide is not a substitute for the consultation, diagnosis, and/or medical treatment of your doctor or healthcare provider.

You must not rely on any information or guidance we provide you with as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or healthcare provider and we expressly disclaim all responsibility, and shall have no liability, for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffered by you or any third party as a result of your reliance on any information or guidance we provide you with.

Dear Lovely You,

this week I have been thinking about the choices we make and where they lead us.

How we accept the mistakes we have made or beat ourselves up about them. Carrying shame and guilt in the dark recesses of our being. Often unaware of what we’re doing.

How our choices are often a result of what others think is best or normal or right rather than what we intuitively know is right for us. How we ignore our own compass to please, to fit in.

How people pleasing is really about us not them. How we do it to keep ourselves safe. To avoid rejection and judgement, or even worse, abandonement. How it’s understandable to want to be liked, loved, needed, useful. And how we abandon ourselves to achieve those things.

I wonder what it would be like to love ouselves enough to honour our own needs fully and consistently?

And as adults how we have much more choice even if it doesn’t necessarily feel like it. Even though it often still doesn’t feel safe to make the choices we would like to make, assuming of course we know what we really want.

But every single choice we make leads us in one direction or another. Even refusing to make a decision is a decision.

I came across this poem I wrote some years ago and it speaks to me.

This week I have chosen peace and quiet and more time in nature.

I have gardened even though there’s too much to do and I know I will never get on top of it all on my own, I can hear the birds, I can breathe fresh air. I can smell the soil and that grounds me. I know I will not get everything done that needs to get done before spring takes off and weeds and plants mingle together in complete chaotic harmony. Messy to the human eye but in perfect relatoinship to each other.

Plants communicate with each other above and below ground. Some plants can’t grow near others, so I know the ones that are thriving like each other and collaborate to ensure they survive, whethere they are weeds or chosen specimens.

I am avoiding the oughts and shoulds and following my impulses. Nurturing my nature.

There is a change happening and I don’t know where it’s going but that feels okay for once. Maybe it’s just an hiatus. A rest. A pause.

What would you do differently if you could choose you?

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MEDICAL DISCLAIMER

Any information or guidance we provide is not a substitute for the consultation, diagnosis, and/or medical treatment of your doctor or healthcare provider.

You must not rely on any information or guidance we provide you with as an alternative to medical advice from your doctor or healthcare provider and we expressly disclaim all responsibility, and shall have no liability, for any damages, loss, injury, or liability whatsoever suffered by you or any third party as a result of your reliance on any information or guidance we provide you with.